Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

Why are telescopes pointed away from earth?

Because they search for intelligent life

If you’ve never used a telescope before...

You should look into it.

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The town pervert has started watching me and my wife have sex through his telescope.

After a few instances of this I was starting to get angry and decided the best thing to do was to set a trap for him.

Bastard saw me coming from a mile away.

What is a telescope's favorite language?

Farsi

A friend loaned me his telescope and asked if I wanted to buy it.

I told him I’m looking into it.

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

Atleast with pimples, you can sketch out constellations

Its like having a break out telescope

I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks ou...

Your mama's so fat

Her back up camera is the Hubble space telescope.

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

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I tried to stick a telescope up my ass but it got stuck

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight...

Because telescopes work using mirrors...

We'll never know if there are any space vampires.

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Why did the astronomer put his dick in the telescope?

To line it up with Uranus

What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope?

HUBBLE HUBBLE!

I’m doing market research for a telescope manufacturer,

I run the focus group.

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

You guys ever heard of a horoscope?

It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.

My estranged father bought me a telescope for Christmas

We're a lot closer now.

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Why did the astronomer get arrested?

He tried to look at Uranus with a telescope.

The New York Times recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

I got second place in a star gazing competition once.

The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.

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The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

A geek dies and goes to heaven.

After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about somethi...

Two Brothers In Grandmas House

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, ...

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

Where are all the women in amateur astronomy?

At the other end of the telescope.

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