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Telescope Jokes

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

A guy asks his friend " have you ever used a telescope ?"

" No, is it fun ?" Answers the latter
" yeah you should look into it "

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

Telescope

I telescope showed up in the lost in found at my job today...

I don’t know who’s telescope it is but I’m looking into it

TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...

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What do the James Webb Telescope and Only Fans have in common?

They both have a great picture of Uranus

Daddy, can I look through your telescope?

I’m sorry dear, not without supervision.

But Dad, if I had that I wouldn’t need your telescope.

I think my neighbour is stalking me. I caught her Googling my name. At least I think she was...

The focus on my telescope is a little shaky.

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth

What does a cow see with a telescope?

Mooooooooon.

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Why did the pervert take a telescope into the bathroom?

Because he wanted to see Uranus.

Do you know how to use a telescope?

You should look into it.

What do you call a purple boat with a trebuchet and a telescope?

A one-eyed, one-armed floating purple people yeeter

Telescopes use mirrors

Therefore we could be looking at space vampires and we'd never know it.

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

My friend sent me a link to download the images from the James Webb Telescope.

I told him I would download them, but I don’t have space on my phone.

What's the difference between a microscope and a telescope?

The government rarely shows up at your door when you see signs of life through a microscope.

What is a telescope's favorite language?

Farsi

Did you know

the telescope was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh..

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks ou...

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The town pervert has started watching me and my wife have sex through his telescope.

After a few instances of this I was starting to get angry and decided the best thing to do was to set a trap for him.

Bastard saw me coming from a mile away.

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy?

Don’t forget to do the dishes.

They say the James Webb Telescope is so powerful that it can see back in time

But can it see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's balls

I've never owned a telescope...

But it's something I'm thinking of looking into

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

I’m doing market research for a telescope manufacturer,

I run the focus group.

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope?

HUBBLE HUBBLE!

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Why did the astronomer put his dick in the telescope?

To line it up with Uranus

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

Your mama's so fat

Her back up camera is the Hubble space telescope.

You guys ever heard of a horoscope?

It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.

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Did you knew that astronomy and proctology are similar?

\-Yeah? How?



\-Well, i used a telescope and saw Uranus

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

I got second place in a star gazing competition once.

The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.

4 inches is small, 6 inches will just about get the job done, 8 inches is where the sweet spot is, and 11 inches is just too big to handle.

Let me know if you have any more questions about what size telescope you should buy.

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

My estranged father bought me a telescope for Christmas

We're a lot closer now.

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

Two Brothers In Grandmas House

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, ...

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

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Why did the astronomer get arrested?

He tried to look at Uranus with a telescope.

A geek dies and goes to heaven.

After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about somethi...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

Where are all the women in amateur astronomy?

At the other end of the telescope.

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

Famous people and their mothers

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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