UPJOKE
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A guy asks his friend " have you ever used a telescope ?"

" No, is it fun ?" Answers the latter
" yeah you should look into it "

Somebody whacked my head with a telescope today

I was seeing stars

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

My friend sent me a link to download the images from the James Webb Telescope.

I told him I would download them, but I don’t have space on my phone.

Do you know how to use a telescope?

You should look into it.

Telescopes use mirrors

Therefore we could be looking at space vampires and we'd never know it.

Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

They say the James Webb Telescope is so powerful that it can see back in time

But can it see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

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Why did the pervert take a telescope into the bathroom?

Because he wanted to see Uranus.

Telescope

I telescope showed up in the lost in found at my job today...

I don’t know who’s telescope it is but I’m looking into it

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

What's the difference between a microscope and a telescope?

The government rarely shows up at your door when you see signs of life through a microscope.

What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy?

Don’t forget to do the dishes.

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

What is a telescope's favorite language?

Farsi

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The town pervert has started watching me and my wife have sex through his telescope.

After a few instances of this I was starting to get angry and decided the best thing to do was to set a trap for him.

Bastard saw me coming from a mile away.

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Did you knew that astronomy and proctology are similar?

\-Yeah? How?



\-Well, i used a telescope and saw Uranus

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks ou...

Wife: Did you know the library has a telescope that you can borrow?

Me: Huh, we should look into that.

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's balls

I've never owned a telescope...

But it's something I'm thinking of looking into

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

I’m doing market research for a telescope manufacturer,

I run the focus group.

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

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Why did the astronomer put his dick in the telescope?

To line it up with Uranus

Your mama's so fat

Her back up camera is the Hubble space telescope.

You guys ever heard of a horoscope?

It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

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I tried to stick a telescope up my ass but it got stuck

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight...

"Welcome to the Voyeurs With Telescopes society...."

"... Where we'll see you coming a mile away!"

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

4 inches is small, 6 inches will just about get the job done, 8 inches is where the sweet spot is, and 11 inches is just too big to handle.

Let me know if you have any more questions about what size telescope you should buy.

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

What did the male telescope say to the hot female telescope?

HUBBLE HUBBLE!

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

My estranged father bought me a telescope for Christmas

We're a lot closer now.

A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

Atleast with pimples, you can sketch out constellations

Its like having a break out telescope

I got second place in a star gazing competition once.

The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

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Why did the astronomer get arrested?

He tried to look at Uranus with a telescope.

A geek dies and goes to heaven.

After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about somethi...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

The New York Times recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Two Brothers In Grandmas House

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, ...

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy

So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

Where are all the women in amateur astronomy?

At the other end of the telescope.

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