If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump are all on a sinking ship. Who gets saved?

America.

What did Bernie Sanders running for president and me arguing with my wife have in common?

We never stood a chance but we just wanted to get our ideas out there.

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

Bernie, Joe and Donald are on a Zoom call.

Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump secretly have regular Zoom conversations.

Bernie: “I dreamed last night that God spoke to me. He said that he wanted me to be president.”

Joe: “That’s funny. I had the exact same dream.”

Donald: “I don’t remember talking to either of y...

I never should have invested with that Bernie guy.

Now he's Madoff with the cash.

Bernie Madoff died today...

Heard his headstone is going to be a giant pyramid.

Bernie Sanders: "If you are a student in debt...

...You are not a loan!"

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim?

Inter-mitten fasting.

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

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Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton: "This is the worst game of fuck, marry, kill I've ever played."

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Waving a Nazi flag at a Bernie rally

Is like waving a diploma at a Trump rally.

Why doesn't Bernie Sanders like low-fat milk?

It's the one percent.

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

Why does Bernie Sanders hate Purell?

Because it kills 99.99% of germs, and he doesn't like the fact that it protects the top 0.01%

What do they call the Bernie Bros now that hes lost the nomination?

Back to being plain ol' BernOuts

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

It's not going to be easy for Joe Biden to earn the votes of Bernie's supporters.

Not even Bernie himself could do it.

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they ...

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells:

Free drinks for everyone!
Now who's buying?

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

Why is Bernie always mad at his phone at the end of the day?

It's a 1 percenter.

Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah.

He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.

Why does Bernie need glasses?

He doesn’t have 2020.

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

Did you hear the one about Bernie Sanders?

Probably not, the /r/politics mods deleted it before anyone saw.

Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and kid from the make a wish foundation are on a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes bursting from the cabin with what appears to be a parachute on.
“The engine is gone and we’re minutes from crashing so grab a chute and follow me.
The captain opens the door and takes a leap from the plane. Bernie runs across the plane to grab a parachute but sees t...

Bernie Sanders is a true socialist

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Bernie Madoff would have sex with his wife every time he bought a stock?

He was inside-her trading.

Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary?

They couldn't afford it.

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator?

Bernie's Handers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my penis Bernie Sanders...

...because it leans far left and stands up for everyone.

What do you call a socialist wearing flip-flops?

Bernie Sandals.

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Sanders to ban Oral sex if he becomes president....

"It's the only way I can get reddit to stop sucking my dick" - he said.

Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

To solve world hunger we need to eat the rich and erect a giant statue of Bernie Sanders. Why do we need the statue?

Well, I’m glad that the first step didn’t raise any questions.

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

Bernie Sanders and Google Fiber walk into a bar.

And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

Monica Lewinsky is going to vote for Bernie

The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.

I went to buy a book about Bernie Sanders

...but it was sold out.

I emailed Hillary that to secure a win, she had to pick Bernie as VP.

I guess she deleted it.

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs scream...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bernie Mac

I’m at a bar minding my business, cooling out, just being cool like I am, chillin’. Woman come to me, this is actually the goddamn thing she wanted to do.

She said, “Mac.”
I said, “Yeah, that’s my name.”
She said, “can I ask you a question?”
I said, “yeah.”
She said, “Does p...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances...

The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and a young girl all board a small plane...

Midway through the flight, the pilot has a stroke and the plane starts to go down. There are only three parachutes on board and the four passengers quickly discuss who of them will take them.

Immediately the Donald says, "I'm the first human orange to be nominated for president, I should be g...

Hillary Clinton and Bernie sanders are having dinner together!

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were having dinner when Hillary said to Bernie "Let me get you a knife"
Bernie said "I'll just use this one you put in my back"

If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.

Colonel sounds right to me.

To me Bernie Sanders is more like God

It is not the guy I have problem with but the fan club freaks me out.

My son is taking part in a political social experiment...

He has to wear a Bernie 2020 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's be spit on, punched and had a wine bottle thrown at him!



I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

They all "Feel The Burn!"

Bernie Sanders looks and sounds like the High Sparrow from GoT, but that's an unfair comparison.

By next season, Reddit will still remember the High Sparrow.

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

I told my Dad I was voting for Bernie Sanders...

He responded, "So you want to see America be destroyed?"

I said, "No, I want to watch it Bern."

Trump has named Bernie Madoff as Head of Treasury Department

Madoffs response when he learned of the appointment:
"Pardon Me?"

Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . .

Socialist Media.

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

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