Bernie Jokes

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

Mom & Dad

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs scream... read more

He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

One of them is once again asking for your financial support, while the other one just Madoff with everyone's money.

One day, they were on a park bench and Joe says, "Man, when I was married, I would bang my wife every chance I got." Bernie says, "Yeah, me, too." Joe: "You never had a wife!" Bernie: "Oh, I thought we were talking about yours."

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y... read more

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun... read more

They couldn't afford it.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be... read more

...You are not a loan!"

Because only the top 1% can stay above water.

Probably not, the /r/politics mods deleted it before anyone saw.

Heard his headstone is going to be a giant pyramid.

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand... read more

Inter-mitten fasting.

the guy in Among us who finds the imposter but no one listens to him.

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

America.

Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump secretly have regular Zoom conversations.

Bernie: “I dreamed last night that God spoke to me. He said that he wanted me to be president.”

Joe: “That’s funny. I had the exact same dream.”

Donald: “I don’t remember talking to either of y... read more

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it pass... read more

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

He doesn’t have 2020.

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

Because he made-off with all of their money!

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they ... read more

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ... read more

Free drinks for everyone!
Now who's buying?

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

Remove only the top 1% please.

The last time a Clinton was in office it left a bad taste in her mouth.

And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.