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Naw Jokes

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the b...

Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention

The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.

How do you tell a police horse from a regular horse?

The police horse goes "Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw".

A joke just for Scots.

A woman walks into a butchers in Glasgow on a cold winter day. The butcher is standing with his hands behind his back, warming them on a heater.

“Is that you’re Ayrshire bacon?” says the woman.

The butcher replies “Naw hen, ma hauns are cold.”

An Aussie in the trenches

An Australian soldier is sent to the front lines in France during World War 1 and the gruff American general meets him saying “alright private this is the roughest spot in Europe now. Did you come here to die?! The Aussie says “Naw mate I came yes to die”

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"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

How does a Swan eat backwards?

It nawS.

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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk s...

My friends’s car had a puddle of oil dripping from its differential

I said, “looks like you blew a seal”. He wiped his mouth and said, “Naw, it’s just mayonnaise from my sandwich “

What did the hillbilly yoga instructor say to his mom who was about to leave?

Naw ma, stay!

Two mechanics are starting a long work day at the shop. [Long]

Mike: "I ain't feeling like working today."

Sam: "Yeah, me neither."

Mike: "Think I'm gonna head on home."

Sam: "Yeah and get fired."

Mike: "Naw man. Watch this."

Mike: *Proceeds to climb up the tire rack, up to rafters where he hangs upside down by his legs, wit...

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So I was getting a handjob by a blind girl when she said,

"you have the biggest cock I've ever felt" and I said, "naw, you're just pulling my leg".

A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"

Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

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Best read in an Irish brogue

I see yer new in th'area, boyz, so ai'll give ya some free advice. Be careful wat yer known far, as da locals can be a bit stickish.

Lookit me 'uouse, wouldja. I built it wit me own two 'ands, drew da plans up, too. But do dey call me "Billy da 'uouse-builder?" Naw.

That bridge, over a...

A grizzled veteran notices a new recruit in the warzone and walks up to him.

"Did you come here to die?"


"Naw mate, Ai came here yesterdai!"

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

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Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, ...

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The wheelie bin man

So the rubbish bin man is making his daily rounds and notices that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside.

He rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, the sound of a toilet flushing and some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese gentleman step...

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So this guy is driving down the street and sees a woman with some big ol titties!

He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"

He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...

She replied, "what! You're gross get away"

He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your n...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

I've been craving KFC for weeks...

But due to a COVID lockdown, I couldn't get it delivered.

When the lockdown was finally lifted, I made my usual order of an 8-piece bucket--extra crispy, with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy.

I waited by the door for 5 minutes...10 minutes...15 minutes... After 20 minutes, I ...

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Common! Just have one drink, she won't mind.

These two coworkers are talking and the one invites the other for a drink. "No, I can't. I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore." says the one. "Just come along and have one drink, one drink." says the other and the one finally agrees.

They get to the bar and have a drink and shoot a game o...

Parents: "You better go home."

Post Malone: "Naw."

Parents: "HOME, MALONE!"

Post Malone: "Yeah aight..."

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

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Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the ...

A snail goes to a car meet.

A snail goes to a car meet.
Another snail goes up to him and says
"Sweet ride, is this yours?"
1st snail responds
"naw, it was my friend's. He passed away last year."
2nd snail says.
"Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. "
1st snail then says
"yeah, escargots 0...

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A man gets his wife's name tattooed...

...on his penis. So when he his erect it spells her name Wendy. When flaccid it says Wy. One day hes taking a piss and a black guy walks in. He dosent mean to but notices the black guys dick also has a wy. So he asks the man hey is your girl named wendy? Guy looks at him and is like what? The guy ex...

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A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.



A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.




"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?

"Aw *hail* naw!"

A cowboy rides into a small town, hunting a notorious outlaw.

In an effort to figure out where the outlaw might be taking shelter for the night, the cowboy asks the opinion of the local saloon keeper.


The saloon keep says:

"Well, if he's riding northwest I'd put my money on him passing by Gutstab Gulch and-"


"Hold on now, Gut Stab ...

A guy walks into a bar..

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks all night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for an hour. So you wanna try?" The guy replies...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

My Brother in law had a chat with a game warden once.

My brother in law was stopped by the game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water; leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my ...

That's some strong detergent

A little boy goes into the only grocery store in his small rural town. He asks the clerk for a box of laundry soap. The old man at the counter asked what kind to which the little boy replied "It don't matter, I'm just usin' it ta give my dog a bath anyway." The clerk warned him "That stuff is pretty...

A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over…

…He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting a old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any gators around here?” “naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!” Feeling safe, the tour...

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3 guys talking at the bar about sex with their girlfriends.

Guy 1 "my girl loves it doggy style."

Guy 2 "well my old lady loves to do it 69 style."

They look at the 3rd guy. Guy 1 asks "why so quiet?"

Guy 3 seems reluctant and they encourage him.

Guy 2 "hey we told you about our girls so spill the beans"

Guy 3 "well if I ...

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

Do you guys wanna hear a joke about a pizza?

Naw i dont wanna tell it cause it kind of cheesy....sorry dadjokes

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

Mad Cow Disease

So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says "hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?" The second cow says "Naw bro, I'm a helicopter."

Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here ...

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A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane.

The engine dies and they know they're screwed.
Looking around the cabin they find only two parachutes.

The Englishman says "I'm the richest so I should get one of them. My money can do the most for the world"

The scotsman says "my families the biggest so I should get one, there'd be...

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A redneck calls emergency services

...and he tells the operator "Hey there, Ah just ran into a pig with my pickup truck and he's all kicking around and squealing and shit".

And the operator says "All right, do you have a gun in your truck?" and the redneck says "Ah sure do" and the operator says "In that case I think you oug...

A cheetah and a lion are racing in Africa

After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".

A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."

"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"

"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."

"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"

"Naw, but I do have a John...

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A man from Tennessee takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doctor his daughter need birth control.

The doctor asks, "How old is she?"

He replies, "15."

"And she's sexually active," the doctor asks.

The man replies, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."

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A man walks into a bar

Orders 4 shots of tequila and drinks one after another. The bartender asks "Are you celebrating?"

"Something like that."

"What are you celebrating?"

"My first blow job."

"Hey, congrats! Let me buy you another."

"Naw, if 4 won't wash away the taste, nothing will....

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Two guys were leaving the strip club...

Jim and John were out of one dollar bills, and it was very late.

"Oh no", John say's - "the wife is gonna kill me. When I'm out too late, I park a block away, take me shoes off in the drive way, use my oiled key in the lock, take off my clothes in the living room, tip-toe upstairs, hold my ...

I was at a bar in Dublin yesterday

And this Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I ask him, "Hey, do you know any of those fancy martial arts like Kung Fu, etc?" "No" he says, "Are you asking that because I am Chinese? WTF?" "Naw" I replied, "It's cause you are drinking my beer ya wee lil prick"

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

Billy Bob carries his young bride into the hotel lobby

He's registering for a room when the manager says, "I guess you'll want the Bridal?"

Billy Bob looks at him for a moment and says, "Naw, I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

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This guy goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila.

The bartender asks "What's the occasion?" to which the fellow replies "My first blowjob."
The bartender smiles and sets up a fourth shot glass. "Congratulations. Have a fourth one on the house."
"Naw." Said the fellow. "If three don't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't help."

I saw your mother kicking a can down the street with one shoe. I asked her if she'd lost a shoe.

"Naw, found one"

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

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A blond reads that bathing in milk is good for her skin, so...

She goes down to her local grocery store and tells the clerk that she needs enough milk to be able to bathe in.
The clerk says "Alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
The blond says "Naw, just up to my boobs should do".

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher

recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
<...

2 little boys are arguing

About whose dad has a better job. First says "mines a Dr." second says " well mines a lawyer" first says in disbelief " honest? " second says " naw the usual kind"

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3 dogs at a vet

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.

Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?

Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I ...

God and the animals

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the o...

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Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob

Billy Bob & Jimmy Bob drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!"

They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.

Billy Bob gu...

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Argentinian joke

There's a competition about bravery in the military force.

* First goes the french. The general tells his soldier: "Soldier, i want you to go into open sea, fight a shark, kill it, and bring it." So does the soldier, and returns after 15 minutes with the dead shark. The general says: that's ...

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A city slicker moves to the countryside...

... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.

The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."

The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."

Rancher says, "Thoug...

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