UPJOKE

As Long As Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

"May ya live as long as ya want, and not want as long as ya live," is an Irish toast.

"Bread, eggs, cinnamon, and maple syrup," is a French toast.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.

He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.

But it didn't.

Then he tried learning German.

That didn't help either.

He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.

Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I lear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the old testament, homosexuality is fine as long as you're high.

Because it states that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you've been around as long as me… you'll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand-new, kitchen-table sex; Two – bedroom sex;

then number three – hallway sex… when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f**k you.’

As long as there are humans, there will always be two sides that disagree with each other.

That is something everyone can agree on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My attention span is as long as my dick.

What was I talking about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As long as it fits

So, one day, these elderly ladies are sneaking a cigarette behind the old folks home. It starts to rain so most of the women throw their cigarettes out. But one of them pulls out a condom, bites the end off, and rolls it down the cigarette and continues to smoke. All of the other ladies look on in a...

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

As long as it’s organic

The cannibal is dragging two coffins to home for his children. Kids see their dad and start screaming joyfully

Yaaay, daddy brought us canned food!!!

I’m keeping my cast on as long as I can.

The doctor said if I keep it on, I’ll get a trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For as long as anyone could remember ...

this indian chief was in charge of naming all the children that were born in the tribe.

One day, this one brave comes up to him and says " Chief, how do you name these children? How do you think of their names ?"

The chief says "Very simple, when a child is born and i see snow gently f...

Why do german cats live twice as long as normal cats?

Because when they die, they have nein lives left.

Talking to myself is alright as long as no one replies.

Right?

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

You are not drunk as long as you ...

Lay on the floor not having to hold onto anything.

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings...

Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered.

Trump wants the shutdown to go on for as long as possible.

He thinks that way we won't be able to hold another election.

I decided I could go outside as long as I stayed 6 feet away from everyone

So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery

A list as long as my arm..

I have a list as long as my arm of why I wish my mother never took thalidomide

For as long as I can remember...

...I have had memories

There was a young man who was obsessed with tractors as long as he could remember...

When the “World’s Biggest Tractor” was going to be displayed at the county fair, he knew he had to go. He saved up some money, drove to the event, and was first in line to see the tractor up close.

As he was examining the wheels, the tractor ended up lurching forward, pinning his legs as he t...

It only cost 5 cents to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

"As long as you append my name to a quote,...

people would buy into it and take it seriously."

- Winston Churchill

You know as long as you keep babies well fed they're usually pretty good...

But I like mine with a little BBQ sauce.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two things I learned today: 1) My dick isn’t as long as a footlong sub.

2) I’m banned from Quiznos.

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she doesn't mind what car she gets, as long as it gets her from A to B.

Which I fully support. Her boobs are far too small.

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

The great thing about Reddit and internet forums is that they're ageless. As long as teenagers act mature and adults act immature.

And if you don't agree you're stupid.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

Sometimes whenever I watch an underwater scene in a movie I try to hold my breath as long as the characters do to see if I'd survive in that situation.

I almost died watching Finding Nemo.

A teenager asks his parents to buy him a car, they agree to as long as he gets a job, a hair cut, and learns more about Jesus.

After a few weeks, he goes back to his parents and asks for a car again.
"Son, you hair is even longer now than it was before!" they said.
*Well, you see, I've been going to church lately and they're been encouraging me to be more like Jesus. Turns out he never cut his hair, he kept it lon...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.