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Obsessed Jokes

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
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Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?
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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

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A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

I'm obsessed with buying beatles albums

I need help!
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What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

Halving the time of your life.
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As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase
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My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

My partner broke up with me for being obsessed with Linkin Park..

but in the end it doesn’t even matter.
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Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
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I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.
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I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.
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My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

When I was in school, I was obsessed with using fractions.

Finally I realized …decimals have a point.
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My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.
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My wife says I'm obsessed with my games console

I personally think that's a load of PS.
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I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums!

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sales, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!

I NEED ...
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My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.
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A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...
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What do you call a person obsessed with the powerhouse of the cell?

Mitochondriac
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Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.
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A farmer is obsessed with Tractors

His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
...
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My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with astronomy

What planet is she on?
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I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...
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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
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My wife has claimed I’m too obsessed with eighties music

I said to her “Don’t, don’t you want me?”
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My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.
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To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.
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Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…

St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed wit...

I think my dad is obsessed with air circulation.

I looked on his search history and it was all for "only fans." Weird.
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Hey guys I’m not obsessed with tidiness…

I just wanted to clear that up, have a nice day
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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

Psychiatrist…..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. ...
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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

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Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase
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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

Why is the Pope obsessed with cats?

He's a cat-holic.
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My friend is an obsessed acarologist.

I'm so tired of his unsolicited tick pics.
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I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.

I am going to call it Boba Fetish.
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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes
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Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles
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There was this little boy who was obsessed with tractors...

...he grew up around tractors, his mother and father were both farmers, and the family lived on a farm. Every day he would get driven to school on a tractor, and his dad would always pick him up on a tractor. Whenever christmas came around, he would always wish for tractor toys, miniatures, and pret...
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Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer
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A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...
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i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said
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My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.
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This guy was obsessed with the Brigitte Bardot...

The French actress was a sex symbol in the 50s and 60s and was often referred to, just by her initials – B.B.

His wife thought he would indulge her husband’s obsession and decided to get a tattoo of the initials “B B”, with one letter on each of her butt cheeks. When she got home that night,...

A Man Is Obsessed With Tractors

A man named John is obsessed with tractors. So obsessed that he has posters of tractors on his wall, tractor toys and even tractor bedsheets.

One day, John meets a woman and they start dating. But the woman is tired of all the tractor related items in Johns home.

Girl: John I really ...
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Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US
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I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.
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I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

My religious girlfriend is obsessed with cats.

She's a Catholic catholic.
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My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.
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Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.
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Know why Trump supporters are so obsessed with "cuck"?

Because they can't wait to watch him fuck their families.

My friend is obsessed with naval destroyers.

He warships them.
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Why is America obsessed with money?

It was founded on checks and balances.
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My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.
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Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

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Southerners are weirdly obsessed with ending hunger among Jews

Any time I visit my relatives down South, the first thing they ask is *Jew eat yet?*

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.
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I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.

What can I say, I have issues.
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I'm obsessed with watching cornstalks being pollinated by the wind

I obviously have a cornography addiction
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I used to be obsessed with origami

But one day I ran out of paper and my life unfolded before me
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If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif
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What do you call a geometry teacher who’s obsessed with anime?

Daddy 10π
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There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.
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What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome
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Which Star Wars character is obsessed with cheese?

Boba Feta.
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I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.
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