"Why have you got those marks on your knees?"

her friend asked.

"Oh, it's making love, doggie style."

"Well, why don't you change positions?"

"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

What has two knees and swims?

A two-knee fish.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

My knees are getting really worn down..

They’re on their last legs

My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...

for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The head nurse.

Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

Do you know Chinese people have very bad knees?

When they meet each other, they often ask: "knee how?"

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

Men have 3 knees.

A right knee, a left knee, and a weenie.

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."

Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

The Old Man and the Burdensome Load

An old man was tasked with carrying a bundle of sticks from his home to the next town over, and it was a terrible task. The bundle was very heavy, and the journey was many miles through harsh terrain. After many days, he could bear it no longer. His feet were blistered, his throat was dry, and he wa...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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A man pays 25 dollars for a lady of the night…

They go to a motel room and the man starts to undress. First he peels of his socks.
“What’s wrong with your toes” the prostitute asks after seeing his mangled, disgusting feet.
“When I was a kid I got toelio”
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, toelio”
The man continues to undress and then t...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

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A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.

The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”

Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.

30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really nee...

A couple sees a man sobbing on his knees at a cemetery.

The man is yelling out "why did you have to die?", "I cannot live like this!"

The couple come over to console him, and notice the tombstone is of someone of similar age as the distraught man.
"Sir, who was this?" Asks the woman, "was it your brother? Your friend?"

The man looks up...

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How do you bring a Republican to their knees?

Paint your dick orange.

2 refugees cross the border.

2 refugees cross the border. They wander in the desert, lost and running low on supplies. They continue on until a week later. Now out of supplies and really struggling, one of them stops and says, "Hey, Jose, you smell that"?

Jose sniffs the air and replies, " No, I don't smell anything"....

A lady calls into a doctors office frantically to get an appointment, to talk about her son.

Mom: "Hi, I was trying to get my son in to be seen today."

Nurse: "Ok, what seems to be the problem?"

Mom: "Yeah, he is complaining that his palms are sweaty and his knees are weak and his arms are heavy."

Nurse: "ok"

Mom: " And poor guy just puked. So now there's vomit o...

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Working for Her Majesty

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

She says to them "Because my footmen ...

What do you call it when someone complains about living on their knees?

Genu-whine.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.

The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?" The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a ...

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What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

I'm not old. I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: Crrrrrraaaaaaccccckkkk!

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'm crispy!

What kind of business involves boiling knees, elbows and shoulders in vats of water?

A joint stock company

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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My cousin was on his first leave since he went to boot camp to become a paratrooper.

We had a big gettogether at my aunt's house. My cousin had always dreamed of being a paratrooper, but there was one big problem: he was deathly afraid of heights. None of us ever thought he would go through with it, so when he came home for a break, we were all dying to know how it went. We gathe...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no aga...

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

What's something you can say in church but also in bed

On your knees

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

I told my son I have his knees

I told him he will get his kidneys when he’s older.

What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

What's it called when you forget you have knees?

Amnesia

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What does sucking dick and cycling have in common?

If you make a lifestyle out of it; it can be hard on the knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

When you turn 18 your body stops using your kidneys.

And they start using their adult knees.

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

What do you call a tailor that's got sharp knees?

A kneedler.

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

To celebrate my cake day, here’s a joke that gave me a giggle

An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.

Dentist: ‘Miss, I believe you’re in the wrong room’.

Woman: ‘You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I’m here to have them removed’.

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks...

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

Sometimes I crouch, put my arms around my knees and leaning forward.

Some people may not like it.

But that’s how I roll.

A man is out with his friends at a bar. He says “last night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees...”

His friends say “wow, man! Way to go! then that happened?!”
The man finishes his drink, sheepishly looks down and says “she said ‘come out from under the bed and fight like a man!’ “

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

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