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Applauding Jokes

My kids asked why I was applauding last night.

I told them it was their mom applauding me for the terrific job I did.

It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights...

...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again

Zoo gorilla

A gorilla, one of the local zoo's most popular animals, suddenly dies one day. The zoo owner is afraid of what this might do to ticket sales, so he devises a plan: He hires a man to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be the late ape.

So it's the new recruit's first day on the job and he's ...

When i was little, we had the best cleaning lady

Because one time, my dad took her upstairs to clean his bedroom. And she must have done a great job because i could hear him applauding her for almost 10 minutes!

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I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

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It's the biggest pussy annual competition...

Here comes the candidate from England. There's an apple on the table: bing-bang the apple is gone, the girl is unconscious, the audience is applauding. Next is the candidate from Russia. There's a pineapple on the table: bing-bang the pineapple is gone, the girl is unconscious, the audience is appla...

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

My wife asked me...

"Why do you always rest your hands on top of my head when I go down on you?"
I told her- "Because if I didn't, I'd probably end up applauding."

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A man is opening up a new piano bar...

...and is auditioning pianists. It's been a long day, and he's heard dozens of of pianists play, but none of them have had that special something he's looking for. The last audition of the day comes in, sits at the piano, and starts playing the audition piece.

In short it's perfect. The piano...

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Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.

So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigat...

'Long' A man goes to a circus

A man goes to a circus. There is a lion there and a very busty lady. The lady puts her breast without any fear into the lions mouth. The whole audience starts applauding and the lady asks if there is anyone else who would like to do this. The whole crowd was too scared to answer, so the lady decided...

There are 11 blondes...

hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.

After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice ...

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A man is on a business trip in Japan

On his first night, he decides he wants to hire a prostitute, so he goes out and finds the best he can, with his limited Japanese.

He brings her back to his hotel room, and the entire time the two of them are going at it, she is screaming "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!" He, of course, couldn'...

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Horse in a bar.

A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.

The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'

The...

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