My kids asked why I was applauding last night.

I told them it was their mom applauding me for the terrific job I did.

It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights...

...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

I bought a ceiling fan yesterday

Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

I was at a Starbucks and a woman asked me...

I was in Starbucks once...

So one time I was in Starbucks and a woman asked me if I knew how to make a fake story she could post on social media.

I smiled and said “first you have to keep it in a realistic setting, like a Starbucks or McDonald’s or somewhere realistic”

The robbe...

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

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I just told some guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up.

Everyone started applauding me, so I told them to shut the fuck up, too.

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An old man suddenly had a heart attack

He lays on the floor while bystanders gather around, some calling 911 for an ambulance.

One person shouts "Is anybody here a doctor or knows first aid?"

No one responded, only glancing at the ones around them hoping for a miracle.

Then a young man comes along, walks up to the ol...

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

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Businessman in Japan

So an American businessman had a trip to Japan where he was to have a meeting with Japanese company CEO.

So when he arrived to Tokyo, he decided to hire a local prostitute to blow some steam off the night before the meeting. As they were doing it, he noticed she constantly screamed ''Machigat...

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Stevie Wonder is playing in Japan for the first time ever...

Sitting at the piano in a concert hall, keen to please his new audience, Stevie shouts "Before I start, does anyone have any requests?"

Some little old Japanese man at the very back of the hall stands up and shouts back "Do a jazz chord!"

So Stevie obliges, playing an Eb Minor diminish...

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A man is opening up a new piano bar...

...and is auditioning pianists. It's been a long day, and he's heard dozens of of pianists play, but none of them have had that special something he's looking for. The last audition of the day comes in, sits at the piano, and starts playing the audition piece.

In short it's perfect. The piano...

'Long' A man goes to a circus

A man goes to a circus. There is a lion there and a very busty lady. The lady puts her breast without any fear into the lions mouth. The whole audience starts applauding and the lady asks if there is anyone else who would like to do this. The whole crowd was too scared to answer, so the lady decided...

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Unemployed musician walks into a bar...

...and asks if they need a house musician to entertain the patrons. The manager told him to go ahead and show what he's got at the piano onstage.
So the man proceeds to play one of the most wonderful original songs the folks there had ever heard. It took everyone by surprise and he got a hear...

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A man is on a business trip in Japan

On his first night, he decides he wants to hire a prostitute, so he goes out and finds the best he can, with his limited Japanese.

He brings her back to his hotel room, and the entire time the two of them are going at it, she is screaming "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!" He, of course, couldn'...

There are 11 blondes...

hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.

After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice ...

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Horse in a bar.

A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.

The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'

The...

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It's the biggest pussy annual competition...

Here comes the candidate from England. There's an apple on the table: bing-bang the apple is gone, the girl is unconscious, the audience is applauding. Next is the candidate from Russia. There's a pineapple on the table: bing-bang the pineapple is gone, the girl is unconscious, the audience is appla...

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