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Airlines Jokes

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Which airline has the smelliest plains?

Incontinental Airlines

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

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Flying Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked , ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The mother, who could...

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

I sued Delta Airlines for misplacing my luggage

But I lost my case.

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said "Window or Aisle" ?

I replied "Window or you'll what ?"

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

American Airlines

I'm like the American Airlines of dating, we understand you had other options of relationships and we're sorry you chose us.

Delta Airlines is changing their name

To Omicron

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

Rushing up to the Southwest Airlines ticket counter…

a man gasped, “Ma’am, please help me. I have to get to Los Angeles in the worst way!” The clerk calmly pointed to her right and said, “Sir, that would be Frontier.”

Last time I flew Malaysia Airlines, I didn't shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on the shore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines?

One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.

If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry

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I'll never fly Virgin Airlines.....

Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

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Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cringe Airlines

What happens when you combine Fox News, CNN, and a Fleshlight.

You get a plane

The right wing, the left wing, and the cockpit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of ca...

I am looking for a name for my airline exclusively for bald people

How about "Receding Airlines"?

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If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's t...

Here's a pun: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

I'm sorry, that joke probably didn't land.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

So many failed United Airlines jokes...

They just don't get off the ground.

Why won't airlines hire Peter Pan?

Because he'll never never land.

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Did you guys hear Djokovic started an airline for the unvaccinated?

It's called Novaks Airlines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called Virgin Airlines?

Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.

American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race...

United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.

Singapore Airlines are planning to start flights to nowhere

But I'm pretty sure Malaysia Airlines beat them to it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

Was going to do United Airlines joke

But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

I’m the Southwest Airlines of men.

Baggage is included.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, ...

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

United Airlines

United Airlines, now offering Chinese take-out........

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

Soon commercial airlines will have pilotless flights with only 1 man and a dog on the flight deck

The man is there to feed the dog.

The dog is there to make sure the Man doesn’t touch anything.

Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he simply vanished into Finnair

Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine

Chinese Takeout

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

United Airlines new motto:

"Our prices can't be beat, but you can."

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks?

On the rocks

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, ...

If United Airlines are ever underbooked

will they force people to get on?

What's the deal with Arab Airlines food...

Emirate?

United Airlines just dropped a new song...

It's a big hit!

Welcome aboard Singapore Airlines flight SQ 635, this is your captain speaking

#**AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!!**

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat?

You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

Malaysia Airlines may get lost

but at least you'll never lose your seat.

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets.

Because they come pre-beaten.

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