UPJOKE
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What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

In the midst of the pandemic, passengers flying with United Airlines are shocked to see that the middle seats on their flights are booked.

Meanwhile, passengers flying with Frontier Airlines are shocked to see that any seats on their flights are booked.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines?

One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Was going to do United Airlines joke

But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

So many failed United Airlines jokes...

They just don't get off the ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat?

You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets.

Because they come pre-beaten.

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor...

But it got carried away

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.

Why doesn't Doctor Who travel with United Airlines?

Because the tardis is faster.

Yeah, you were expecting a joke about that doctor who got kicked off the United Airlines flight, but you were wrong.

WRONG!!!

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

United Airlines just dropped a new song...

It's a big hit!

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

In order for United Airlines to keep their business...

They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided...

if someone had offered a Pepsi.

If United Airlines are ever underbooked

will they force people to get on?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...

...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

I tried posting about UNITED AIRLINES in a sub-reddit. The post was removed.

The sub-reddit was "Uplifting News".

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines?

Because they allow 1 free carrion

United airlines- arrive as a doctor

Leave as a patient.

Did you hear that United Airlines just updated their motto?

"United Airlines: Beating our competition, AND our passengers, since 1926!"

So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar...

United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"

Delta glances around, spies baby....

Delta: "Hold my beer..."

What does United Airlines and The United Center have in common?

The cheap seat are nosebleed seats.

The CEOs of United Airlines and Cincinnati Zoo want to sit down in a bar with the bar owner.

They can't find a seat but there is a booth on a wall with 3 gentleman in it.

The CEO of United Airlines says "watch this", clicks his fingers and a couple of goons come in, and roughly pull the first gentleman out of the seat.

The CEO of Cincinnati Zoo says "that's nothing", clicks hi...

American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race...

United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.

What did the dog say about the United Airlines Employee?

Ruff

The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...

the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

C'mon guys...The United Airlines jokes are too much.

Please, leave them in Chicago.

Near death experience with united airlines

Well it was more of a fight or flight moment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the bar at the airport before his plane departs when a beautiful young woman sits at the bar beside him..

She is wearing a uniform and he reckons she's obviously an air steward.. He nods at her and says the Qantas slogan "you're the reason we fly" and winks at her.. She ignores him ... "hmm, not Qantas" he thinks, so he tries "Fly the friendly skies"? .. no reaction "OK, it's not United Airlines either"...

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, ...

Yo momma's so fat...

United airlines employees said " let the goddamn computer choose someone else. I ain't movin that!"

What do you call it when one plane crashes into another?

United airlines.

Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.


Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.


Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: T...

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...

I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

My girlfriend has a new fetish...

To be treated like a United Airlines customer

UA at it again

If you can't beat them, join them.

-English saying

If you can't join them, beat them.

-United Airlines over booking policy

The past few days summed up

Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.

"Its ok to hit a man with glasses."

- United Airlines

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century.

Fox News: Hold my beer.

United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?

Pepsi: For reals?

Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

Q: A plane crashed and every single person died except four, Why?

A: Because they were flying United Airlines

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