UPJOKE
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007 Jokes

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?

Bond. Gold Bond.

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art wat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

They call me 007 at work

0 motivation

0 skills

7 coffee breaks

Your Best 007 Impression

I had to shoot an assassin with a harpoon last week.

I think he - got the point.

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

I wish Benedict Cumberbatch played Q in 007

Then I could call him Benedict "Q" Cumberbatch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Look closely now, 007

*This may seem like a regular suitcase, but if you press this button, a handle will come out and you can roll it.*

13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.

The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years...

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

007 is both James Bonds number and Russias country code, a coincidence...?

...yes, that's a coincidence.

M calls 007 into her office.

She says, "Your next assignment is to go to the Chrstmas ball and meet new people. Bond, James, bond!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just bought some 007 Viagra

It makes you rodger more

A man walks out of a bar...

He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

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I was recently clearing out my drug cabinet...

I came across a packet of James Bond 007 branded Viagra.

Apparently they make you Roger Moore!

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

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An English man, An Irish man and a Scotish man.

An English man, An Irish man, and a Scotish man are sick to death for working on the same building site for years now.
The English man Says "Here look at this" pointing at a newspaper ad "Join the Secret service today."
"not very Secret then," says the Irish man.
"no ya goon it's like a Sec...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

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