This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can never trust what your stomach is saying.

It's constantly making shit up.

How to kill worm in your stomach

Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why your stomach hurts when you're constipated?

No shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

"Why your stomach is so big"..."I had a baby"

... for lunch.

LPT: Easy way to soak up that extra alcohol in your stomach!

Throw up on a sponge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr.Watson has constipation

*watson returns home after a visit to th doctor*


Sherlock: " So was I right about your stomach issues."


Watson: " Yeah no shit Sherlock!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Woman go to Heaven

Three Women go to heaven and stand before St Peter. The first women walks up and has an "A" on her stomach. St. Peter notices this and asks the woman "Why do you have an A on your stomach?" "Well," the woman began, "every time my husband made love to me, he wore his Alabama Sweater!", St. Peter nods...

A woman tell her mother that she's pregnant

Her mother : ho is the father
The woman : if you eat too much sausage and your stomach hurt how do you know which sausage hurt you

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

I walked in on my wife on the scale.

She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"

She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"

I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"

A man was in a line of patients trying to get his release from a mental institution.

He watched as the others went in to meet with the doctor and heard the questions the doctor asked, which were:


"point to your right arm", "point to your stomach", point to your toes", point to your knee," and so on. He saw which answers were correct, and which answers were wrong.

...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Depression Era Prostitute NSFW

Three generations of prostitutes were hanging out on the street corner talking about their day.

The youngest complains “I just sucked that guy off and all I got was a lousy $50!”

The middle aged one says “$50?!?! Hell, when I was your age I would be thrilled with $10!”

The eldes...

How many eggs can you eat on an empty stomach?

Just one, because then your stomach won't be empty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my blonde, Hungarian girlfriend goes to the doctors office...

The doctor ask what’s wrong and my Hungarian girlfriend replies and says since she’s waken her stomach had been hurting.

The doctor then ask if shes eaten anything that she thinks might have upset her stomach.

My girlfriend says no, she hasn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary.
...

In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol ---dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The incredible human machine

* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

* One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

* The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Dog Chow

Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a giraffe?

Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on ...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

A man dies, and goes to heaven

When he arrives, God and his family come to greet him.

'Jerry' God says, 'you have been good all your life, but there is one sin you have committed - you have killed a deer, and had it stuffed. But before you did that, you and your family had the nerve to do indecent things to it before it's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Selected Female Pick-Up Lines

“Are my undies showing? [“No.”] “Would you like them to?”

“Hey, in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?”

Put a dollar bill on your head and when he asks what you did that for tell him “its all you can eat for under a dollar.”

If a guy asks ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.