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Wore Jokes

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I wore my kilt for my first meeting with my psychiatrist

She told me I was mentally ill just moments after I sat down.

She said ‘I can clearly see your nuts’
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I wore glasses to my job interview

Because getting a good job is all about optics.
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I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!

Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.

If only Steve Irwin wore sunglasses

They might have protected him from harmful rays
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I asked my friend why he only wore a mask when he was in church.

He said his doctor advised him to wear them religiously.
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Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

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I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning



*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.
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Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.
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My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.
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An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...
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I wore a harp costume to a Halloween party.....

I wore a harp costume to a Halloween party, but my girlfriend thought it was too small. She called me a Lyre.
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Why is the hipster sweating?

Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
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Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...
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Ghandi never wore shoes...

...so he had thick skin on his feet. He was quite a weak man, though spiritual. And because of his poor diet, he often had bad breath.

You could say he was a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.
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Did you hear about the guy who wore sunglasses at night and fell into a hole in the ground?

He couldn't see that well.
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I found out the real reason Johnny Cash only wore black.

So they wouldn't call him Johnny Clash.
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Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes...

Gandhi never wore shoes, and so his feet were always covered in loads of callouses and blisters. And because he never ate food, he was always very frail. Furthermore his fasting caused him to have horrible breath. So...

I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by ha...
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I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold.

Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.
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What did DMX say when he first wore a crew neck sweater?

Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?!
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My friend asked me if she wore too much make up.

I said it depends on whether or not you're trying to kill Batman.
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I wore neon green to a funeral.

It was a hue mistake.
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Ever wondered why Ayo & Teo always wore masks?

They knew in advance that Coronavirus would come
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In the Garden of Eden, Eve wore a fig leaf. Do you know what Adam wore?

A hole in it.
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American wife: Look, i haven't wore this in ten years and it still fits!

Husband: For God's sake. It's a scarf...
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When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.
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So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

I wore an antennae to my sister’s wedding the other day

The reception was much better
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Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)
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Do you know why the Little Mermaid wore seashells?

Because she was too small for D shells.
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I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.

He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
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Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

Hitler wore brown pants

I asked a nun why she wore the same costume everyday.

She said, "It's a habit."

Sorry
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She told him to open up to her, so he wore his heart upon his sleeve.

He was dead within 2 minutes.
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Today I wore regular pants for the first time in two weeks...

but only because I'm washing my sweatpants
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So yesterday I wore a costume....

I am a male and I wore a see through shirt and pants. I completed my ensemble with a stuffed bra, long haired wig and lipstick. I pushed a baby doll around all night in a stroller holding the baby bottle....

I was a transparent transparent.
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Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.
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If Al Abama wore Miss Issippi's new jersey to the party, what will Mary Land wear?

I dunno, Al ask a.
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Fun fact: The actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and never wore aftershave.

That's right, Yul never wore cologne.
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The CW's Batwoman wore a red wig as a part of her costume, but that was just a misdirect...

A red "hairring", if you will
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I wore my golf socks today

There's a hole in one
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When I wore the condom for the first time.

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, t...

The missus wore a right slinky number last night!

Looked amazing coming down the stairs!
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I decided to put a bunch of 1 dollar bis around a string then wore it like a belt.

My mother called it a waist of money
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Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!"

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

“Yes, I admit it, I wore blackface a few times. But cut me some slack.”

“I was going through a dark period in my life”
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I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.
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When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring...

When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.

When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead...
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I wore a pedometer for a week.

Good news -- I'm not a pedo.
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A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
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I wore a pink t-shirt out the other night and my girlfriend said I looked like a Flamingo..

So I had to put my foot down.
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
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All the markings on my measuring cup wore off after a wash. Now all I'm left with is a cup...

Or is it?
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I told my girlfriend she cant be pregnant because I wore a condom

But she poked a hole in that theory
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It was mine and my wife's 25th wedding anniversary the other day and she said to me "Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me"...

I said "Its a scarf"...
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I had a best friend who wore a gorilla suit everywhere...

he was my prime-mate.
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A friend of mine came up to me earlier and asked if I wore deodorant

I told him it was a *Secret*
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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

My girlfriend said she liked the jewelry my grandmother wore

so I bought her a life alert necklace
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Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Engli...

Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today...

Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager.
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By accident, I wore my son's shirt to work today. It was a bit tight under the arms.

Guess I should have taken his arms out of it before I put it on.
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3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief...
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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong sock today.

While I'm up here on the moral highground, let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.

Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and...

My dad wore my mom's clothes and vice-versa. Really didn't want to see them like that.

To me, they were trans-parent
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A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty whities...

I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."
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Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...
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I didn't feel like putting a lot of effort into a costume this year. I wore the bottom half of a donkey costume.

I decided to half ass it this halloween

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...
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Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)

The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without...
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A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ...
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Birth control in an African Village

The great white doctor comes to an impoverished African village where he sees several young mothers either pregnant or with several small kids in tow, all showing signs of malnourishment. On inquiry through an interpreter, he learned that the chief was a rather amorous character and all the ladies a...
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Mary had a little skirt It was slit right up the sides... And every time she wore that skirt.... The boys could see her thighs.... Mary had another skirt It was slit right up the front....

But she never wore that one.
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Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....
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After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.
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Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on ...
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I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...
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Bert’s new boots

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home:

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”

Frustrated, ...
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Four college friends, teammates on the school's Rowing team, take a trip to Patagonia on Spring Break and get lost for a couple weeks.

Having brought food enough for only five days, they were soon forced to butcher and eat their alpaca, who they'd used to carry some of their gear.

That gave them enough food for a while, but even that eventually wore thin, until they were down to just the pack-animal's tongue, lips, and face...
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An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out an item, turns to her husband of forty years and says “Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and i can’t believe it still fits.”

The husband replies “Yes honey, you’ve always liked that scarf.”
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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.
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Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced th...
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Piano man has had enough

Son can you play me a melody?

I'm not really sure how it goes

But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man's clothes



The most basic requirement of song requests

Is to know what tune you have heard

Do you also go to the...
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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

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A couple was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary.

When the night fell, the wife approached her husband wearing the same shear negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked coquettishly at her husband and asked, “Do you remember this?”

“Yes, dear, I do.” He said, “This is the same negligee that you wore on our wedding night.”
...

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