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Belive Jokes

How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?

Because they're the ones that make the toys.

Let Your Kids belive in Santa

Because there are still grown adults that belive Michigan will beat Ohio State.

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

What do you call someone who doesn't belive it is June yet?

A May-Sayer

Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the c...

Heavy rain

A natural science professor goes to visit her friend, despite the thick downpour.

*buzzer* "Who's there?"

"Martha? It's me."

"Lucy?! *electric lock clacking* Come upstairs, quick, it's raining a lot!"

"Oh, Martha, you wouldn't belive it... It's raining outside too!"

A man and a leprechaun

Disclaimer: This is a Russian joke which I am translating after a few too many glasses of wine.

A man walks into a washroom. Lo and behold, he sees a leprechaun doing his business.
The guy is elated, he grabs the leprechaun  and exclaims "Aha! I got you! Now you have to grant me a wish". ...

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A man ended up in hospital and his wife visits him.

Wife: I barely got here. You wouldn't belive what happened.

Housband: What happened?

Wife: My car broke down. So I asked taxi to take me here. When I told him I don't have enough money, he said "You are either going to sing me a song, or you're going to suck my dick."

Housband: ...

I went to a fortune teller and she said to me "Do you believe in reincarnation?"....

I said "No and i didn't belive in it when i was a frog"...

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

I learned 10 jokes about clickbait today. But I won't tell them.

You wouldn't belive number 7 anyway.

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An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

If you read while sunbathing might get..

Well red.
I belive the door out was over here.

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In math class a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.

Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous how do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5' and I have it up till here with this."
Off course he gets kicked out. Sitting in the yard the Principal comes by and asks what's up.
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the school...

How many Hillary Clinton's does it take to screw in a light bulb?.

How many Hillary Clinton's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I belive GE is a corner stone of the American economy.

A dog is a man's best friend

A dog is a man's best friend. Don't belive me?
Put your wife in the trunk, put your dog in the trunk, wait a couple of hours. After open the trunk and looks who's happy to see you

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A group of priests stand by the road...

... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious bullshit! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The br...

This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house...

... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.

He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and in...

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The farmer's wife makes dinner.

The farmer's wife makes dinner. She cuts down a chicken from the coop, opens it and guts it out. Because there's no use of it, she takes the guts to the outhouse and throws it down the gutter.

Later that night, after finishing dinner together, the wife goes to sleep, while the farmer drinks s...

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A man is forced to go to his therapist

After a suicide attempt he made the day before. Once he was in the therapist's office, the therapist started of the conversation by asking about why he attempted to take his own life. "Well, earlier in the day my wife handed me divorce papers, that said she would take the dog, and that the kids woul...

A husband and wife were out in the forest mushroom picking

The husband thought he found a mushroom and picked it up. To his disappointment it was an ordinary rock. Enraged, he threw it. After he threw it, he heard something glass breaking.

The pair rushed over to see what it is, and found a shack in the forest. A man in very bright clothing came out....

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

A hobo, all rags and dirty face walks into a fine restaurant.

He approaches the waiter and politely asks: "Excuse me, Sir. I know I don't belong here, but may I ask you for a fork, please?"

The waiter, obviously relieved the hobo doesn't intent to stay, agrees and gives him a fork. The hobo thanks the waiter and leaves with his fork.

Only seconds...

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A man and Kate Upton are shipwrecked

A man and Kate Upton are shipwrecked on a lonly island.
They try to light up a fire for bypassing ships or planes, but without any result.
After a couple days they start to get along, find some food sources and build a shelter.He begins to flirt with her, so as time passes by they start havin...

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute.

In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word "Timbouktou".

The rabby is first. He starts: "I was a rabby ...

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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.

The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from wo...

Little Johnny nsfw

One day, the teacher asked her first grade class what part of the body did they think would go to heaven first when they died. Little Johnny's hand went up first but the teacher was afraid to pick him, because he was always embarassing her. She looked around and saw little Matt with his hand up.
...

An elderly man who just retired

Went out and purchased a Porshe. He decided that he would go take his brand new car for a ride and see what it could do.
As he was speeding around the country side he sped past a police car on the side of the road.

The officer noticing him going well above the speed limit gave chase. The...

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