A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?
"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."
"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"
A man is having issues with his wifi
As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.
“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...
After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!
In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"
I said, "What's wrong with you?!"
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A Jewish man owns a craft shop
The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."
The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...
Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.
ED SMITH'S SHOP.
It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.
No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...
A chicken walks into a library...
...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book.
Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book...
A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist
He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...
If the 2008 election was about Hope and Change, what is 2016?
Fear and Loathing.