White House Jokes - 96 Hilarious White House Jokes

How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?

A Washington.

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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

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Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev race around the White House

1972. In the spirit of Detente, Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev decide to run a friendly footrace around the White House. The event is reported by every news outlet in the world.

The younger, fitter Nixon easily beats the old, unfit Brezhnev. It's a humiliation, so the Soviet press team are...

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What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

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The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

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Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

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White House dinner.

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize h...

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Repainting the White House

There was an open call for repainting the White House and 3 businessmen applied. One was from China, one was from Germany and one was from Albania. The Chinese asked 3 million dollars to do the job, the German asked 7 million and the Albanian asked 9 million. During the selection phase they asked th...

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A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

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A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

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A reporter tries to interview Trump at the White House.

She knocks on the door, and there's no response. Again, she knocks on the door, and she hears Trump reply, "I'm not here!"

She laughs and says, "You idiot, I can tell you're there! I know that's you!"

Trump opens the door and groans. He sighs, "If Mike Pence said I wasn't here, you'd h...

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A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

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Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

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It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.

Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...

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When Trump visited the White House before his presidency...

He asked then president Obama how he managed to run two successful terms.

"Simple", Obama replied, "Just get an intelligent wife"

"How do I know my wife is intelligent?" Trump asked.

"Just ask her intelligent questions and if she answers correctly, then you know she is intellige...

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Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.

Trump ...

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What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

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Teacher : Why can’t Trump go to the white house anymore?

Student: Because it is FOR BIDEN

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Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

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So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

 

 

*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You'...

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Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

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Why did Obama have the cast of Hamilton preform at the White House?

Because presidents don’t do too well in theatres

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Trump marched into the white house

When trump became president obama was waiting for him at the white house.

Ob:Trump! You have to run around the entire white house while I time you, we have a little leaderboard said obama.

Dt:Ok, im fast, the fastest. When i run you cant even see me trust me! Replied trump, incidentall...

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In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

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Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

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Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

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Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

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Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

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One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

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Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton is showing a new female intern around the White House

They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her, "Want to go into the oval office and see the presidential clock?"

The intern, hesitating, says, "Well, Mr. President, seeing all the stuff that has been happening with you, I don't know if that is a good idea or not."

B...

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looking for good president jokes.

Please post jokes that can't be just copy-pasted from one administration to another.

Here, I'll start.

George Bush and Dick Cheney stopped in to a small diner for breakfast while touring through the country.

The waitress comes to take their orders. Cheney orders an omelette. Sh...

If the blue man lives in the blue house, the green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, then who lives in the white house?

The orange man

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If Donald Trump replaces Barack Obama in the White House

Does that mean that orange is the new black?

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Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

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The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”

He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 ...

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The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

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Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

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A blonde walks into the White House in 2021

White House security escorts the blonde out and says:

“Go home! You don’t live here anymore, Donald”

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Trump doesn’t want to leave the White House.

Unfortunately for him, once a baby comes to full-term it has to come out.

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I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House

He said, "So nothing new then"

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Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.

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Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

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Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

“Just think,” he said, “whe...

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Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

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The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

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White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

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Donald Trump’s latest strategy to win back the White House is...

...to change his name to Joe Biden

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A White House construction bid.

A drunk driver runs through the iron gates on Pennsylvania Ave and a White House official has been tasked with contracting the fix and getting a quote breakdown.

He calls a general contractor in Texas. "Yezzir, that'll be a $3k job. $2500 for me and $500 to my Mexican crew".

The offici...

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White house

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.

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Boy breaks into White House

He writes on the wall "trump is full of shit".

He gets caught and charged with two counts facing 45 years and 6 months of prison time.

6 months for vandalism and 45 years for unauthorized release of classified information.

Why did Mario storm to the White House?

Because someone wrongly told him that Trump was IN PEACH !!!

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A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

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What did Joe say to Donald on his way out of the White House today?

Bi-don

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Mom- "you should apply to work at the white house"

Me- "why? I'm not qualified."

Mom- "that's the point nobody in the current administration is."

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A guy is driving past the White House....

...and he sees that the road is blocked, but they are letting cars through one at a time. There are crowds on the sidewalk, shouting, but he can't hear what's being said.

Finally he gets to the roadblock, and rolls down his window. "What's going on?" he asks.

"Donald Trump has had ...

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A Jew and a Muslim walk into the White House...

hopefully on January 20, 2021.

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

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White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.

Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$

European guy quoted 7 million U$

Indian guy quoted 10 million U$

Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

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As The White House suggests the peak could be in sight.

Scientists warn that in reality, Trump has several levels of stupidity to go yet.

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It's so hard to remove Trump from the White House.

Because it's difficult to remove a mental health patient from government housing.

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You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

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The leaders of New Zealand, Taiwan and Vietnam walk into the White House..

Just kidding

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Donald Trump visited the White House doctor...

**Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!!

**Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look.

**Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?.

**Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep,...

There's a joke working its way around the White House recently...

...It eats cheeseburgers in bed and wants to build a wall.

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

When I visited the White House the other day

I was inspired to run for the office of President. Unfortunately, Secret Service tackled me before I got there.

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It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

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In Headlines Today: White House Sex Scandal

Evidence deemed “fake nudes.”

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

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White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

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White House call the Washington Police. "There's a crazy man in the White House and we don't know how he got here!"

The police operator responds, "yeah, we know; we've been wondering about that ourselves ever since the election."

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James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

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Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

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Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house...

the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.

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What would the White House be like for Trump if he loses the 2020 election?

For-Biden Entry

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What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House?

Receiving heads of state.

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What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

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Yellow Snow on the White House lawn

One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill Sucks" peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.

After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, ...

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Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

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There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he...

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Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

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The entire US Senate visited the White House today.

I wonder how many short buses that took.

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People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

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Another day at the White House

After returning from the White House after a forum on sex in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.

Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

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A man parks his bicycle outside the White House

A cop comes to him and ask to remove the bicycle immediately saying, "Haven't you any idea which place is this, this is where all the senators, President, Vice-President stay."

Man calms him down, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle."

____________________________________________...

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