How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?

A Washington.

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

Why can't Trump enter the white house anymore?

Because it's now forbiden.

What did Joe say to Donald on his way out of the White House today?

Bi-don

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House

He said, "So nothing new then"

I asked my friend why has he stopped making jokes and puns about Trump after he was sacked from the White House.

He said he's Biden his time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

Joe biden enters the white house. Donald trump says "you don't have the right to take the presidency from me!"

Joe Biden responds: "perhaps not, but I do have the left!"

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

What do you call a surrogate mother in the White House?

The secret cervix.

Donald Trump’s latest strategy to win back the White House is...

...to change his name to Joe Biden

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

If the green man lives in the green house, the yellow man lives in the Yellow house and the blue man lives in the blue house, who lives in the white house?

An orange man who doesn't want to leave

A blonde walks into the White House in 2021

White House security escorts the blonde out and says:

“Go home! You don’t live here anymore, Donald”

joe biden moving into the white house

and looking for the half a sandwich he left in the break room four years ago

The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

Trump is the first person in American history who is refusing to concede and leave the White House despite losing the election.

I think he really wants to be the precedent.

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

Trump doesn’t want to leave the White House.

Unfortunately for him, once a baby comes to full-term it has to come out.

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

The leaders of New Zealand, Taiwan and Vietnam walk into the White House..

Just kidding

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “whe...

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

A letter gets sent to the White House addressed to "The World's Greatest President"

President Biden refuses to open it, seeing as though he hasn't earned the title, so he forwards it to Obama. Obama won't touch it and sends it to the estate of George H. W. Bush, who promptly forwards it to George W. W won't look at it and sends it to Reagan's Presidential Library, where Trump hap...

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

Mom- "you should apply to work at the white house"

Me- "why? I'm not qualified."

Mom- "that's the point nobody in the current administration is."

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

A statesman, a humanitarian and a narcissist walk into the White House.

The narcissist is still there.

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]

What would the White House be like for Trump if he loses the 2020 election?

For-Biden Entry

A man calls the White House

Operator: How I can help you?

Man: I want to be the next president.

Operator: Are you an idiot?

Man: Is that compulsory?

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”

He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 ...

The president walks out the White House and one of his body guards spots a shooter.

Quickly, he shouts "MICKEY MOUSE" and charges the gunman. Confused, the shooter is managed to be apprehended and the body guard is a hero.

The next day his boss invites him into his office and asks why he shouted mickey mouse. Blushing, he replied " I was panicking and I meant to say, Donald ...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and a Muslim walk into the White House...

hopefully on January 20, 2021.

[Late]If there's a blue house on the left and the red house is on the right where's the white house?

Idk they turned the lights off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

As The White House suggests the peak could be in sight.

Scientists warn that in reality, Trump has several levels of stupidity to go yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians?

Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...

Why didn’t the Kansas City Chiefs go to meet the president at the White House?

They tried... Unfortunately, they went to the state of Washington...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

One snowy day, Donald Trump is leaving the White House.

He notices that in a nearby snowbank, someone has urinated a message into the snow: "DIE DONALD!" He grabs his head of security and says, "I demand to know who's responsible for this! Get the Secret Service on it immediately!"

A week later, the security chief enters the Oval Office. "Sir,"...

Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

A guy is driving past the White House....

...and he sees that the road is blocked, but they are letting cars through one at a time. There are crowds on the sidewalk, shouting, but he can't hear what's being said.

Finally he gets to the roadblock, and rolls down his window. "What's going on?" he asks.

"Donald Trump has had ...

It's so hard to remove Trump from the White House.

Because it's difficult to remove a mental health patient from government housing.

It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.



Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they ...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You'...

Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins were invited to the White House to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing...

Buzz got to enter the White House and meet with the president, but Mike had to spend the entire visit driving in circles around the White House.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up at the White House.

A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up in the white house. The reporter asked “What did you and George do for fun when things got boring?"

"Well we'd run 2 laps around the white house and see who had the best time. My best was 10:24".

"Wow," said the reporter, "t...

Why did Mario storm to the White House?

Because someone wrongly told him that Trump was IN PEACH !!!

When Trump visited the White House before his presidency...

He asked then president Obama how he managed to run two successful terms.

"Simple", Obama replied, "Just get an intelligent wife"

"How do I know my wife is intelligent?" Trump asked.

"Just ask her intelligent questions and if she answers correctly, then you know she is intellige...

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States

The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"

The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"

Repainting the White House

There was an open call for repainting the White House and 3 businessmen applied. One was from China, one was from Germany and one was from Albania. The Chinese asked 3 million dollars to do the job, the German asked 7 million and the Albanian asked 9 million. During the selection phase they asked th...

When I visited the White House the other day

I was inspired to run for the office of President. Unfortunately, Secret Service tackled me before I got there.

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning...

Trump said "Pardon me."

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

Trump marched into the white house

When trump became president obama was waiting for him at the white house.

Ob:Trump! You have to run around the entire white house while I time you, we have a little leaderboard said obama.

Dt:Ok, im fast, the fastest. When i run you cant even see me trust me! Replied trump, incidentall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton is showing a new female intern around the White House

They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her, "Want to go into the oval office and see the presidential clock?"

The intern, hesitating, says, "Well, Mr. President, seeing all the stuff that has been happening with you, I don't know if that is a good idea or not."

B...

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

How many white house staff members does it take to change the weather?

One, and all the rest have to agree with it.

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

What do you call it when a womanizing casino mogul is in the White House?

Two vice presidents.

Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.



“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.

There's a joke working its way around the White House recently...

...It eats cheeseburgers in bed and wants to build a wall.

If Donald Trump replaces Barack Obama in the White House

Does that mean that orange is the new black?

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Donald Trump had sex with a White House intern

would they call him Bill of rights?

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

A man calls the White House and says he wants to apply for the President's position.

"Are you an idiot", the White House staff says.

"Oh sorry Im not. Is that a criteria?", he replies.

A protester who shouted "Donald Trump is a moron!" in front of the White House was arrested by the secret service and given 25 years in prison.

“5 years for defamation,” the court had announced, “and an additional 20 years for leaking top-secret information.”

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump

Nope. Sorry. Just kidding.

One good thing about trump’s White House is how polite they are...

One walk down the hall and everyone says “Pardon me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump visited the White House doctor...

**Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!!

**Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look.

**Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?.

**Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep,...

What do you call a person in the White House who is honest, intelligent, and law-abiding?

A tourist.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is more to blame for all the controversy in the White House?

The blonde with the big tits or Stormy Daniels?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy breaks into White House

He writes on the wall "trump is full of shit".

He gets caught and charged with two counts facing 45 years and 6 months of prison time.

6 months for vandalism and 45 years for unauthorized release of classified information.

My nephew's friend Jose, who is only 8, wrote three letters to the White House

this past year requesting immigration policy reform.

But they haven't even written back or acknowledged that they've read them.

"It's almost like talking to a wall," he says.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's ass, I would've come in second".

Donald trump wants to paint the white house

Donald trump wants to paint the white house.. He calls for quotation.

Chinese guy quoted 3 million. European guy quoted 7 million.
Indian guy quoted 10 million.

Trump asked chinese guy.."..how did u quote 3 million..?" Chinese guy replied .. "1 million for paint 1 million for labour...

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house...

the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.

Did you hear they asked Aaron Hernandez if he wanted to watch the Patriots visit to The White House on the rec room TV?

He said, "No thanks I'll just hang in my cell"

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