UPJOKE
white houseronald reagankeyphonewest wingdeskrichard nixonfax machinejimmy carteryour deskchairjohn adamsheadtelephoneofficetelephonic

Oval Office Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chief of staff enters the oval office and turns around with a shocked look to the president behind him...

"What's wrong?" asks the president.
"There's someone in there with a female intern" comes the reply.
"Is he Kissinger?" asks the president.
"No, he's fucking her"

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

In the Oval Office

Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani are in the Oval Office and are arguing about the weather. Trump says it's snowing, while Guiliani says it's drizzling. Melania enters the room, and sees the argument in full display. Finallly she interjects by saying, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear," and leaves the ...

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many ...

Why couldn’t Trump get into the Oval Office?

It was for Biden.

I call my toilet the oval office..

It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.

What do you do if you are quarantine and stuck in the oval office?

Netflix and Bill

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

I hate playing cards in the Oval Office.

The president always has a trump card.

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is giving a tour of the Oval Office

He points the various cool things out to the guests: the desk, the presidential seal on the carpet.

One of the guests points to the various phones on the desk and asks, "what are those for?"

"Well," says the President, "this one is a direct line to the president of China. I can call hi...

The White House Foreign Affairs Officer walks into the oval office and says...

The White House Foreign Affairs Officer walks into the oval office and says "Mr. President, eight Brazilian soldiers were killed in Mexico today!"

The President is real quiet.

"Mr. President, did you hear me?"

"How many is a Brazilian?" the president asks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret service found a dildo in the Oval Office

Signing off on another executive order.

Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Did you know the oval office is full of money?

There's a wad of bill's under the desk

Hillary says it's time to have a woman in the Oval Office.

Bill says - been there, done that ...

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office...

..... when his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand. He says, "Four Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq." Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands. The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these...

Bill: I hope Hillary will have better interns in the Oval Office than I did.

All of mine sucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald trump just got caught grabbing a intern's ass in the oval office.

When Clinton heard he said close but no cigar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump looked out the Oval Office window one winter morning -- and called in the FBI

The President was *furious* because someone had written "Fuck Trump" in yellow snow. "I want to know what loser did that, pronto!"

A few hours later, the FBI presented the results of their investigation. "Mr. President, the urine is Steve Bannon's, -- and the hand-writing is Melania's."
<...

An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries.

The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say “ President Biden I do not like the way you’re governing our country”

The Russian says: i can do that.

The American says: what how?

The Russian says: i can go st...

When trouble brews, why do members of the White House staff rush the president to the Oval Office?

Because he can never be cornered there.

How many people from Donald Trump's team would it take to change a lightbulb in the Oval office?

11.
Donald, on his desk, holding the lightbulb in place. 10 morons rotating the desk

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton is showing a new female intern around the White House

They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her, "Want to go into the oval office and see the presidential clock?"

The intern, hesitating, says, "Well, Mr. President, seeing all the stuff that has been happening with you, I don't know if that is a good idea or not."

B...

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

There's 「lie」 in 「believe」

There's 「try」 in 「chemistry」

There's 「anal」 in 「analysis 」

But there's no 「Trump」 in 「oval office」

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

President Trump decided to play Mario Kart with his cabinet

He thought that this would be be a good bonding exercise with his staff so he bought a Wii and ordered his whole office to come into the oval office

Once everyone arrived there was a huge argument on who would play as what character, because everyone wanted to be Mario. Trump decided that thi...

A Chinese citizen and an American citizen are arguing which country is better

The American citizen states "My country is the greatest country in the world; as an American I can go to Washington D.C., go to the White House, walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like how you are running this country!'"

The Chinese citizen la...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How Bill Clinton tricked Monica Lewinsky...

Clinton asked Lewinsky if she wanted to see the presidential clock and she replied yes.

So she followed him into the Oval Office and he turned around with his dick out and she said “Bill you nasty thing, that’s not a clock!”

Bill replied “It will be when you put two hands and a face on...

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “whe...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

The scariest punchline to a long-running joke:

"Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

Trump solves an edumacation problem

The Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, comes running into the oval office and says, "Mr president! Mr president! I just found out fully HALF the population is below average intelligence. What can we do about it?" Trump thinks for a moment and tells her "See what you can do to increase the lower hal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is this election historic?

It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President George W. Bush Gets Some Bad News...

Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, where he finds President Bush busy playing with his Garbage Pail Kids collection.

"Mr. President," Cheney says, "I have some disconcerting news about the War in Iraq."

Bush glances up from his busywork and says, "Give it to me straight, Dick".
...

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president..

there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

Brazilian Soldiers

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorbachev visits Washington

Gorbachev visits Washington. He is in the Oval office with Reagan. He noticed a red button on the president’s desk. So Gorbachev sits down on Reagan's desk and presses the button out of curiosity. A trapdoor opens above his head, and a bucket of shit empties on his head. Reagan is rolling on the flo...

abortion bill

President Bush is sitting in the oval office when a secretary comes in and hands him a slip of paper. Bush asks what it is, and the secretary replies "it's the abortion bill. What do you want to do with it?" "Just go ahead and pay it".

Everyone knows Bob.

Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day.
"Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing.
"Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed.
After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something.
"You sure seem to know a lot of people ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the win...

A phone call to G-d

One cheery day, a Texas billionaire was visiting Moscow on business. Russian president Putin was giving him the grand tour, Ukraine, St. Petersburg and finally the Kremlin.

The tall Texan saw on Putin's desk 3 different color telephones, a red one a blue one and a white one. The Texan quest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this st...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ollie and the pope

Everyday ollie would brag about how he knew everyone in the world to his boss. Until one day his boss got fed up and said "all right ollie you don't know tom cruise we're going to fly to holly wood knock on his door and see if he knows you!". So they flew out to Hollywood found tom cruises house and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.