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Capitol Jokes

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

Why did the Capitol police decide to use teargas?

They knew nobody was wearing a mask!

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

What's the difference between a toddler and a Capitol Rioter?

Toddlers have more teeth, smell better, and have thrown tantrums for more justified reasons.

The Capitol is like my old, broken radio...

...neither have a working speaker.

What’s the difference between the Capitol building and a clown car?

A clown car is smaller and has wheels.

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol...

security comes to him and says "you can't park your bike here. Don't you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?"

the guy says "oh don't worry, I've chained my bike!"

What does an American do after going to the Capitol?

25 to life

Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building!

Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

Whats the difference between Capitol and Area 51 raid?

People were not stupid enough to actually go inside of Area 51.

The Capitol rioters could soon become angels

If only Trump manages to persuade them to storm the Pentagon next

I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard'

Makes Sense....
They caused lots of destruction,
Was full of snowflakes,
And a whole lot of White.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Why were the capitol police late?

They did not beat the crowd...

Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone

So, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is a police-free area surrounded by police.

Does that make it a doughnut hole?

Two Traitors Heading for the Capitol Building

Passenger asks "That bomb in the trunk was made by amateurs right?"

The driver responds "yup."

Passenger asks, a bit nervously, "Well what happens if that bomb just goes off?"

The driver responds with great confidence, "No problem at all".

"We have another one under the b...

Why were there so few capitol police during Jan 6th riots?

Well you can’t make them work when they already booked the day off to attend the protest!

Does anyone recall the guy in the superhero outfit at the Capitol on January 6th?

He was on the far right.

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

What's the difference between Floyd's Summer of Love and the Jan 6 Capitol tour?

About $2 billion, give or take

A capitol wioter almost got awested and beaten by the cops today but don't worry

He's all white

Did you hear about the woman who got shot at the protest at the Capitol building?

She flew to DC in Delta and came back in Spirit.

Why didn't the police respond quickly to the Capitol incident?

They thought everything was all white

A bunch of chickens stormed the Capitol building yesterday

It was a chicken coup

Why didn't the Capitol-storming Trump supporters bring anything to quench their thirst?

Because before they got there they had already drank the 'Q'-laid.

If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States

You might be a redneck

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Capitol Police not fire any shots?

They didn't know where to aim because there were no black people.

Could anyone be so dumb as to brag about the capitol riots online, for all the world to see?

Jenny Cudd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the the Head of the Washington D.C. Financial Ethics Board?

>!They would be the Capitol Capital Principle Principal!<

Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.

came from my uncle: Why is the capitol of Ireland growing so fast?

because the population is always Dublin.

How do you get a trump supporter to wear a mask?

Convince them to storm the capitol building

Robber and walker

Late one night in the capitol city an Army deserter wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a Member of Parliament!"

"In that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night, I dreamt I was a black man who stormed the capitol

And I still got shot at.

In Seattle, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is looking for a musician/philanthropist to support the cause

i.e. a CHAZ Bono

Everyone in 2020: this is the worst year ever, I can’t wait for 2021

January 2021: U.S. Capitol building attacked, Hank Aaron dead, Larry King dead

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition?

Capitol Punishment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of life’s questions can be answered with “Depends”

Specifically for whoever smeared shit inside the capitol

"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!"

"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Senators* leaving the *Capitol*"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Who Loves His Wife... [NSFW]

A man who loves his wife decides one day to get a tattoo to commemorate their love.

He decided to get a tattoo on his penis of his wife's name, Wendy. So he goes down to the tattoo parlor and gets a big WENDY in all capitol letters down the length of his shaft. He goes home, and his wife love...

Some protestors are breaking into congress

I hear it is a capitol offense

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play tonight.

She could be the Capitol building, and I’d be a Trump protester.

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

Blond calls IT

IT guy shows up and asks for her password. She says "New York Atlanta Washington Sacramento Madison Goofy"
It guy fixes her computer, then asks her " Why the long password?
She says it was your rule five capitols and a character

A woman gets called into her office HR department

They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"

She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just fo...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

Map jokes

How do you get around in Italy? You Rome.
Why does everyone love Thailand? They Bangkok.
I Congo to Africa, Kenya?
Why do the French take there time? They hate to Russia
What's the unhappiest state? Misery
Who are the unhappiest Europeans? The Hungary ones.
Why are the so many Subw...

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

On a recent evening a man came up to me at the front desk of my library. He was carrying a large plank of plywood.

On the plywood were copious amounts of what appeared to be a flour and water mix. He might have put yeast in it to make it airier and lighter. He had shaped the mixture into a kind of giant map. There was something I took to be divisions for states, or provinces. He'd created a facsimile of a capito...

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