What Are You Doing Jokes - 56 Hilarious What Are You Doing Jokes

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Man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks “what are you doing?”…

She says, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes can make $500 for doing what I do with you for free”.

As the wife is getting to leave, she walks by the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Excuse me, what are you doing??”

Husband replies - “Coming to New York, I...

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to ...

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

"What are you doing today, Bob?"

"This afternoon, me and wife are going to the optometrist to buy eyeglasses."

"And after that?"

"We'll see."

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

what are you doing after this?

A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."

As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge.

However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shi...

I walked into the dentist’s and whispered, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist shrugged, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.” I continued, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” Puzzled, he asked, “What are you doing here then?” I explained...

“The light was on.”

My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard...

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

What are you doing when you wear a phydsicist's headphones?

Putting Higg's Bose on.

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A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing Father?"

"It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon", replies the priest.

"Why Father?"

"Because my wrist is killing me."

A- What are you doing tomorrow?

B- I'm getting new glasses because mine broke
A- And after?
B- I will see

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Cousin: "What are you doing in the bathroom?"

Me: "I'm losing my ass in a game of craps!"

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Mum: Er.. Sally, what are you doing with the cat, why are you putting it in your school bag?

Sally: I’m taking it to school because I heard dad tell you that when I go to school he is ‘going to eat that pussy’

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

A man saw his wife wearing nothing. “What are you doing?” he said. “It’s the emperor’s new cloth.” she replied.

“You should iron it first.”

Husband: "What are you doing?"

Wife: "Nothing."

Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date

Husband: it’s not there I checked the day after the wedding

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During sex I suddenly stopped moving? My wife said what are you doing....

I said. “Hush bitch, I saw this on pornhub. It’s called buffering”

A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Urn," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat
that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."
"I don't know what good it's going to do,"
the boy replied. ''The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"

Everyone asks "What are you doing, step-bro?"

No one asks "How are you doing, step bro?"

A stagecoach stops in the forest. The driver says to the guy blocking the road "What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm Robbin!"

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”

He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

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My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

My wife said "What are you doing today?"

I told her "Nothing"

She said you did that yesterday.

I told her, "I did not finish"

"What are you doing?" a man asked his osteopath

A man goes to visit his osteopath to ask about a pain he's feeling in his knee. He gets on the table and the osteopath sets to work massaging and stretching his muscles.

"That feels nice," the man says. "What are you doing?"

"Well," the osteopath says, "I'm working through all the tens...

Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?

Loki: nothing, just hanging out

Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...

Loki: no

Thor: low key

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

What are you doing on Friday night?

I go out for a beer.
\-And then?
It's Monday.

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"What are you doing?" asked my wife.

"Putting plastic mice on the lawn to keep away elephants."

"There's no fucking elephants out there," she snarled.

"Of course not," I replied, "I've put the plastic mice out."

What are you doing when, drunk at the bar, you're making theories about stuff you have no clue about ?

Counter intelligence

I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"

She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"

"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."

Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squi...

A blind man is swinging his dog around on its leash like a helicopter. A shocked onlooker asks "What are you doing?"

The blind man replies "Oh, just looking around."

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-Dad what are you doing?

-Its called masturbation and you'll be doing it soon
-Me? Why?
-Because my hand is getting tired

What are you doing in 2 weeks?

I've got blankets and couches. Lets make it a fort-night

"What are you doing?" asked my wife as she walked in on me and our children sitting around the table.

"I'm just showing them these old photos from when I used to be a Boxer" I said, showing off.

"If you turn them sideways kids, it looks like your Dad's standing up"

"Grandpa what are you doing?"

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doi...

Two friends are talking , "So what are you doing for summer vacation?"

The other one replies " I want to go to Italy again , like last year"---
"Wow you went to Italy last year?"-----------
" No, but I did want to go "

"What are you doing today?"

"What are you doing today?"

"Nothing."

"That's what you did yesterday."

"I'm not done yet."

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A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?"

A cowboy rides in the desert and comes upon a Native American lying naked with a hard-on. He asks, "What are you doing?"

The naked man replies, "I'm finding out the time -- it is 12:15."

The cowboy looks at his watch and thinks, "Wow, it really is 12:15."

The cowboy continues an...

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woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?"

The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

What are you doing when you Sentence almost a Dozen Surfers to death by the Gallows?

You're Hanging Ten, Dudes!

"What are you doing?" the patient asked his dentist...

...as he was about to numb him for the procedure. "Little prick with a needle," the dentist replied. The patient says, "No, I asked what you were doing, not who you were."

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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