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Weeping Jokes

Why was the Weeping Willow sad?

She watched a sappy movie.

There was a young man weeping

The man was sitting at a library table

A young lady approached him and asked what was wrong

He replied “It’s complicated”

And showed his calculus homework

What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?

Mourning Wood

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, “what’s wrong?” The old man responds..

I’m married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed...

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A drunken man was weeping outside of a bar, covered in vomit

A stranger approached him and asked him what was wrong. The drunken, vomit covered man said "my wife said if I ever come home drunk again she would take the children and leave. They're everything to me!" The stranger said "Here's what you do. Take a $20 bill and put it in your pocket. When your ...

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Mary walks into her church weeping and goes to the Priest and bawls "Father. My husband has died"...

The priest says "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss. I knew Peter, he was a good man. Did he have any last wishes before he died?"

Mary said "Yes Father. He said 'Mary can you please put down the fucking gun'"

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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An elderly priest was found in the Vatican library weeping inconsolably...

He had ancient manuscripts spread out in front of him. Some curators walked up to him and said "What is the matter, Father?"

Between sobs, he replied: "Some bastard dropped the 'R'. It was supposed to say CELEBRATE!"

My family and I went to a funeral today. Everyone was weeping and crying except my little brother.

He was dead silent.

Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?"

"He climbed out three times - but only to pee."

An old man goes to see the doctor.

An old man goes to see the doctor.


Upon getting there, the doctor sighs and looks at him with pity.


"Peter, I have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"



"Give me the worse news now doctor, so that the less bad news don't matter much anymore."<...

Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he noticed the girl is weeping.

Being a nice wooden boy, he asks what’s wrong.

« Oh, Pinocchio », she sobs, « You’re a wonderful lover, but every time we make love I have s...

Three women die enter hell, and Satan greets them at the doorway.

"Welcome, sinners!" he says with a grin. "In heaven, your rank would be based on your purity, but not down here! Your mode of transportation will be decided by the number of MEN you have hooked up with." He turned to face the first woman. "How many men have you hooked up with?"

"Around five I...

The first blonde GUY joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage.
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

Why did you die?

So a man named John is in the cemetery, just like every Sunday, visiting his wife.

But this day was different than the others. Today a man was on his hands and knees weeping and shouting, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

Well John feels sorry for the guy so he heads over and asks th...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

I will not live to see that day :(

Three old men went to see God.

The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession. "100 years," God said.
The American started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"

Second man, a Russian asked God "When will my country become pros...

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

“Sir, is everything alright?” stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, “How many is ...

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

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A man working in the city gets a letter,

It says "Come right away, your wife died". He takes some time off his job and goes back to his rural hometown.

All the people in the village are in his house, weeping and crying. He walks into his wife's room, holds her motionless body and starts crying, when suddenly she opens her eyes and ...

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There is a woman, she is dying in her bed in her home.

Her husband is by her side, weeping.

“You know what I would like, before dying? She asks. I’d like to make love to you one last time”.

The husband agrees.

They start slow, gentle, but taken by their passion it becomes more frenetic. He start taking her in several positions, then...

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A man died and was on his way to heaven

When he reached heaven, he saw Jesus standing in front of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to have some small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when people bend over in front of m...

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender asks how he’d like to pay. “You know that I’m running a tab. Sometimes it feels so long, written on the inner edges of my spirit, an itemized list of each moral failing, each successive regression.” The bartender snickers, “You mean your bill?” The duck refrains from weeping.

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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The new monk.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.



So, the new monk goes to the head ab...

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A woman visits her hypnotherapist

A weeping woman visits her hypnotherapist and laments, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and slept with another man... The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

To which the hypnotherapist replies, "Jesus Ch...

Death is coming to take a lawyer away

The lawyer is weeping, "why now? I am only fourty!"

Death replies, "not according to the hours you billed your clients".

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

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Nsfw long what's wrong with your dick?

A guy goes into a public restroom and sees a man gently weeping in front of a urinal. He asks him what's wrong, and realises the man has no arms.
"Well... I recently lost my arms in an accident and I'm having a hard time coping with it. It's my first day out of the hospital and I can't figure out...

3 men on construction site

3 men are on a construction site of a highrise during lunch

1st guy opens up his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He says "ham ham ham that's all I get. If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping off this building and killing myself."

2nd guy opens up his lunch box and sees a turkey ...

Becky was on her deathbed...

Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love,"...

Did you hear about the depressed man going on a cross country road trip?

He's weeping the nation.

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A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

A man who bed-wets went to see a psychiatrist.

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting? Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon Appeared to me in my sleep and says, "o good man let us urinate". Then, I woke up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIAT...

Daughter to a father had not seen her father for 25 years...

And now he lies in his deathbed. The girl stood, weeping at the side of the bed, guilty she had not visited him in the 25 year gap.

"Dad, I'm sorry..." She said, tears trailing down from the corner of her eyes.

"Hi Sorry, I'm Dead."

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

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3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

An electrical engineer is at his grandpa's funeral

His parents never told him how his grandpa had passed, so he walks around the funeral party asking for clues.
"He was at the gym" said one friend, but grandpa had a strong body and heart thought the grandson.
"It was in the bathroom," said a cousin quietly, but he would say no more.
"It was...

I knew a guy who married a tree...

My neighbor fell in love with this oak tree on his property. He ended up having a wedding ceremony and everything (don't ask how he consummated it...). All things considered it was one of the most stable marriages I had ever seen, lasting nearly 20 years. Then a lightning strike split the tree in ha...

A woman shows up at the doctor with bruises all over her face...

The doctor asks 'What happened to you?'

Weeping, she says 'Well when my husband shows up at home after a night of drinking, he starts beating me!'

'There's a solution for that ma'am' says the doctor, 'Buy some milk caramels and when your husband comes home drunk, place 5 of these caram...

An American on holiday wished to tour rural Ireland.

While in a pub he witnessed an old man at a table by a window weeping quietly with his pint untouched. Moved by the sight of the old man the American approached him and asked if he may sit with him. Without taking his gaze away from the window the old man absently gestures for him to have a seat. Th...

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American businessman heads to Japan for some business. Knowing he's a good golfer and wanting to beat him, the Japanese business man gets him drunk and hires a woman for the night thinking he will not play a good game the next day.

The American and the Japanese girl go back to his room where they proceed to make passionate love.

As he starts to thrust, the girl starts moaning 'machigao...'

Taking this as a sign she likes it, he starts pumping even harder, the girl continues to push back at his hips saying 'machig...

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The CIA was looking for new operatives

For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.

So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:

"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situatio...

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

Patty and Billy...

...drink whiskey together on a regular basis and become the closest of friends. They make a vow that the one who outlives the other will open a bottle of the finest whiskey and pour on the grave site of the other on the day of the funeral. Sadly, Patty dies and Billy is left to proceed with the ri...

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