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What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day?

Her fucking tongue

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Why can't vegans moan whilst having sex?

They can't accept the fact that a peace of meat could bring them joy

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

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Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

why will you never hear a vegan moan in bed ?

she'll never admit she's enjoying a piece of meat...

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

What does a vegan zombie moan?

graaaiins...

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Why don’t vegans/vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t wanna show that they’re loving the meat inside them

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

What's long, hard and makes a woman moan when erect?

An ironing board.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Whats tiny and makes priests moan?

Church attendance levels.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished...

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Why do vegans never moan when they are having an orgasm?

Cause they can't believe that a piece of meat is pleasing them.

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3 Boys were lost in the forest,

They were walking through the dark forest and they see a cabin, they walk uo to the small shack and bang on the door.

An old man answered and let them in and sat them down, he said they could sleep there for a night, but the only if none of them went near his daughter, they all agreed and wen...

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

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Why do deaf girls always masturbate with two hands?

They need one hand to get the job done and the other to moan with :D

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3 boys and a farmer

3 boys are on a long journey and need a place to sleep for the night

They come across an old farm and ask the farmer to help them on their journey and let them sleep there.

The farmer agrees but says this “You may sleep at my house but if you sleep with my daughter the there will be s...

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Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 min...

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

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One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

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A man is having sex with a woman

When he moans, “I love your pussy”

She responds, “thanks. My parents made it”

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Little Johnny sells a duck

One day a farmer decides to sell 3 of his ducks. He gives one to each of his sons, Billy, Bobby and Johnny and tells them to go to market and see what they can get for the ducks.

So Billy goes to market and comes back, and he says to his dad “hey dad!! I got ten bucks for that duck!” “Very go...

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

What was the name of that thing that really attracted ancient Egyptian women?

Pharaoh moans.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you k...

Quit While You’re Ahead

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son was old...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

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A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

A warning to other Men.

A pair of thieves is operating outside of Home Depot. Two young blonde hair, blue-eyed 20 year-olds have been pretending that their car has broken down, and need a ride home. Once the mark has let them into the vehicle, they begin to kiss and caress each other. They moan and grind against each other...

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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.

The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hi...

100 zombies walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll it be?”

The nearest zombies moan, “Braaaaiins.”

“Sorry folks, if I had any of those I’d have locked the place down when I first heard of the outbreak.”

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

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Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

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Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan and scream at you really!

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and has a seat.

The bartender asks, "What're ya having?" but before the man can answer, the monkey jumps on the bar and scatters food and drinks everywhere before hopping over to the pool table and swallowing a cue ball whole.

"Sorry man, he hasn't ...

A man walks out of a bar

stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man rep...

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[NSFW] A man goes to see the doctor

He approaches the receptionist and asks her:

"Is your work covered by my insurance"

The receptionist checks the paperwork and tells him:
"Oh yea sir. Your insurance will cover this. No problem"

He is seated in the waiting room and waits until the receptionist asks him to co...

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What's the difference between an American and a Finn when they cum?

one makes a finish moan, the other makes a Finnish moan.

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A young Italian couple get married,

(actually, Italian-American, second generation) named Maria and Luigi. They can only afford to spend their honeymoon night at Maria's Mama's house. Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband.
Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her ...

A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the kangaroo, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now t...

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Doctor vs. Bee - (NSFW)

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to th...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

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A man's wife falls into a coma.

For the next ten days, he stays by her bedside, red-eyed and desperate. He reads to her and talks to her the entire time. Then, late one night, without knowing why, he reaches out and grabs her breast. She moans. It's the first sign she's given the entire time.

Excited, the husband runs out i...

My dad's religious

Anytime he sees my mom's cooking, he looks up at the sky and moans "Oh my god, not again!"

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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