This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

Weatherman are like that over aggressive guy at the bar...

...always telling us how many inches we are going to get and always failing to deliver.

I recently came fourth in the National Weatherman Awards

I won a trophy for precipitation.

Why did the weatherman blush?

He saw the climate change

The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

What do a weatherman and Tinder date have in common?

They say to expect eight inches, but you only get four.

I was once a weatherman

But all my forecasts were cold days in hell

Husband yells into the phone "How the hell would I know. I'm not a weatherman."

Wife asks him "What's that all about?"

He says "Some guy keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear."

My wife divorced me because I'm a weatherman.

That wasn't what I predicted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with a weatherman must suck.

Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.

How many pets does a weatherman have?

Four Cats

A TV weatherman broke both his legs and arms in an accident...

...he had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

Donkey weatherman

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
...

My umbrella broke in half today, which sucks

But it's OK, because the weatherman said there's only a 50% chance of rain.

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

A hillbilly and a weatherman are talking about the weather.

Hillbilly: We don't need you here. We have the best way to tell the weather.

Weatherman: What is that?

Hillbilly: We have a bucket.

Weatherman: What if it rains?

Hillybilly: The bucket is full of water

Weatherman: What if it snows?

Hillybilly: It has snow ...

A weatherman walks into 1bar...

... and comes under some pressure.

The devil asked his resident weatherman what the forecast was for the week ahead...

"Hail, Satan"

What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

Just heard the TV weatherman say, “high in the thirties”.

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

The weatherman is always telling me things like "it's 70 degrees out, but feels like 59."

So I told my wife, "oh honey I swear it's 8 inches, but it just feels like 4."

Why was the weatherman’s date disappointed?

She was promised 10 inches but got only 2

What did the ancient Roman weatherman say when his emperor asked for a forecast?

"Hail, Caesar"

The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

What do you call a weatherman who really likes steak?

A meateaterologist.

What wasthe white supremacist weatherman's forecast?

Heavy reign, with a chance of heil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women who live in New England can never trust a weatherman...

If they say their dick size is 6 - 8 inches, that means it’s more like 1 - 3

The Native American Weatherman

A director is shooting a movie in a desert near an Indian reservation. One day, a native american comes up to him and says "Rain today."

The director doesn't pay much attention, but towards the middle of the day, it rains. The director is now impressed, and instantly hires the native american...

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank th...

I'm no weatherman

But you can expect a few inches tonight

Why did the weatherman sue the clouds?

They wouldn't let him see his sun!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

Weatherman forecasted the worst storm in over a hundred years, but it didn't hit us.

It was very anticlimatic

They call me the Weatherman when I'm playing basketball

Because I'm never accurate.

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon.

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon. It's sinking fast. They need to throw something out that they have a lot of or they will crash into the houses below. The Scottish man throws out a haggis. English man throws out a cup of tea. The American throws out a bomb. They ...

Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman?

They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.

Is my mom fat?

Your mama's so fat
she heard the weatherman say it was chili outside she grabbed a bowl and spoon and ran out the door

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

Why is sleeping with a weatherman always disappointing?

Because he always promises 10-12 inches, but you only ever get 2-3.

What did the thirsty weatherman say to his intern?

I need my thermos, stat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

Automation is taking over more industries than you'd realise.

They've already replaced the BBC weatherman with a recording of someone saying 'Rain'.

Fool me once,

Shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me a thousand times, shame on the weatherman.

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

The snowstorm

This couple was watching the news and the weather report said there was going to be a snowstorm so if everyone can park their cars on the left side of road so the snowplow can come through the next morning so the wife did just that.

Then the next week the couple was watching the news during ...

How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

An Indian tribal chief

decided to call his local National Weather Service office to see what kind of winter was expected. The forecaster replied, "Well, it looks like it will be cold." So the chief gathered his tribe together and warned them that the winter would be cold, so they needed to start collecting fire wood.
<...

I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

Which is why I left my job as the UK weatherman.

Preparing for Winter

One year, a young Indian boy was given the task of ensuring the entire village had enough wood for winter. This was the first time he had been given such an honor and he wanted to do it right. Before he went to work he decided to call the weatherman to ask what kind of a winter was to be expected. T...

A Russian man was making small talk with his wife about the weather...

"Looks like rain today doesn't it?" but his wife insisted...

"Rudy, my love, the weatherman says it will clear up before lunch."

"No, zayka, I feel it in my bones. It is going to rain."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Oh, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim stays home from work

Jim stays home from work one day and asks his wife if she wouldn't mind going to the store.

As Jim's wife is returning through the front door, groceries in hand, she hears Jim exclaim "How in the fuck would I know?!". And slam the phone onto the receiver.

Jim's wife looking confused wa...

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past...

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.