UPJOKE
evilgamblingfrailtyhabitmoralitydeputychairmanpresidentsecretaryevilnessassistantrepresentativeexecutivechiefprostitution

Vices Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

A patient goes to see his doctor

“Do you think I’ll live another 50 years, Doc?” asked a patient.



“How old are you now?”



“Forty.”



“Do you drink, gamble or chase women?”



“No,” the man answered. “I don’t drink, I never gamble, and I detest women. In fact, I don’t have an...

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

I've had a severe addiction to taking inventory at the blacksmithing shop.

We all have our vices.

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Neverm...

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

A. Because he couldn't lie.

Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?

A. Presidentures!

Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?

A. Really, really, really old!

Abraham Lincoln...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek, a Jew, and an Irishman are accidentally killed by a bus.

An angel descends and tells them "Actually, there's been a mistake. It wasn't your time to die. We will let you come back to life, but you must promise to renounce your vices."

To the Irishman, the angel said, "Your vice is drinking too much. You can come back to life as long as you stop drin...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.