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Vanished Jokes

There was a Mexican magician who was about to disappear on the count of three. He said "uno... dos-" and vanished.

He disappeared without a tres

The largest city in North Yorkshire has mysteriously vanished!

Police are desperately searching for Leeds.

Air Force One Vanished

The Air Force One vanishes somewhere over a remote farm. Quickly, a rescue party is sent to the last known location. Instead of the plane, they just find a farmer on a bulldozer.

Rescuer: "Have you seen the presidents plane anywhere?"
Farmer: "Yeah it crashed on my field about an hour ag...

Three men were stranded on a deserted island

when they discovered a magical golden fish swimming near the shore. The fish promised to grant each of them one wish.

The first man said, "I wish I were back home with my family." In an instant, he disappeared from the island and found himself surrounded by his loved ones.

...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

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Soon after my girlfriend got pregnant, I got scared. She then got angry and shouted! Then I got high and vanished.

Then we both got bored of Scrabble and had sex.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

\*Poof\*



He disappeared without a tres!

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

The pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician.

After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir.

A horse walks into a bar...

... the bartender said "You're in here a lot, I think you may be an alcoholic." The horse replied, "I don't think I am", and vanished.

See, this is a play on Descartes famous line "I think, therefore I am". I would have explained this before the joke, but that would have been putting Descarte...

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

Yo' mama is so dirty...

She did the Tide Pod challenge and vanished

Dinosaur Fact

Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home...

The smile on her face vanished when I took away her cardboard box.

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

The magic carpet

Three girlfriends (a blonde, a brunette and a redhead) go to a carpet store that was advertising magic carpets for sale.

They enter the store and the salesperson greets then and informs them that only one magic carpet remain, all the flying ones were sold and the one remaining was a truth te...

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do...

He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice.

"What do I have to do to become a great president?" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington.

"You must never tell a lie," Washington responded.

Trump scoffed. "No way! do you really expec...

Wanna hear a magical joke?

Sorry it's just vanished from my mind.

I think my dad is the Avatar

Because when I needed him the most he vanished

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

Three wishes

Three friends are stuck on an island. One day, one of the them found a bottle floating near land. It so happen to be a genie bottle! "Thankyou for freeing me! You may have three wishes!", the genie explains. The first person wished to go back home, and just like that, they vanished and went home! Ex...

The bermuda triangle used to be known as the bermuda rectangle,

until one of the sides mysteriously vanished.

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

People say that dynamo is one of the best magicians.

But my dad is my favorite magician. When i was 7 he vanished and still have not figure out where he went.

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Did he travel with Scandinavian Airlines?

No, he simply vanished into Finnair

Is Jon Stewart the Last Airbender?

Because just when the world needed him most, he vanished.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

I have had enough!!! I will never help anyone again...EVER!!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I rea...

Sing this - Spiderman Spiderman

Does whatever dust can.
Doesn't feel good
with Stark's plan.
Keep him away
from the fan.

Look out! You might breathe him in.

Falls down, outta breath.
What's that he senses? Total Death.
WATCH OUT
Vanished like a spider can.

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

Philip was a junior office assistant at a large company.

Keen to make a good impression on his boss, he often stayed up late working. One evening, he was just about to head home when he saw his boss standing in front of the shredder holding a document.

"Ah, Philip, I'm glad to see you're still here working hard at this time. Now, I was wondering i...

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

René Descartes walks into a bar....

The bartender asks if he'd like a beer.

"I think not."

and he promptly vanished from existence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a seven-foot tall grizzly bear charging right at him! He ran back up the path, with the bear close behind. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster. he looked over his shoulder as the ...

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A guy was sleeping with a girl other than his wife...

...he then hears his wife knocking on the door.so he wished that the other girl would disappear,then a fairy appeared and told him that she would grant him his wish but he would drown in 2 years.he accepted and the girl vanished.two years later his friend told him about a vacation on a cruise ship.o...

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

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