This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ugliest man on Earth

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

The fellow accepted and then accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Surely you know th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sex position creates the ugliest babies?

I dont know. You should ask your mom.

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

Face only a mother could love

A lady walks into a restaurant with her child. The waiter, showing her to her seat, says "Ma'am, that has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Upset and shaken, the woman turns to the group at the table beside her and asks what they would do after being so insulted. The gentleman speaks up an...

When my little brother was born, he was named Ugliest Baby In The Hospital

I don't know why my parents would name him that. We call him Ubith for short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Hundred Bucks

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies a...

What's the ugliest dinosaur?

The Eyesaur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks in to a brothel and puts $1000 down on the table. He then says to the madame "I want your ugliest girl and macaroni and cheese."

The madame replies "for that kind of money, you can have one of our finest girls and a three course gourmet meal." The guy replies "Sorry honey, I'm not horny, just home sick."

One Morning

One morning, a guy rolled over, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a $20 bill on the nightstand and started to tiptoe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his p...

What was the ugliest Car of the '70s?

Ric Ocasek.

I made fun of a girl for dating the ugliest boy in our school.

We broke up short after.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd.

He's a FaceBookie.

Which raisins are the ugliest and dumbest?

The in-bread ones.

Ugliest baby in the world

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver looks at the baby and exclaims "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!".

All upset the woman walks to the very back of the bus and takes a seat.

A man sitting on the seat across from the walkway notices the upset look on her fa...

How is it that I'm the ugliest person here?

I'm home alone for christ's sake.

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women - beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes - just about everything. ...

I tried to enter the "the ugliest face" contest

The judges told me, "sorry, no professionals".

What's the ugliest shape?

An eyesoresceles triangle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of questio...

I sold the ugly suit!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again.

I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the ange...

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spt the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, ‟Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me.”

I loked her over on...

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

A new bus driver starts his first day of work...

A new bus driver starts his first day of work...

......he kisses his wife goodbye. He’s nervous about the new job and not sure if it’s for him.

He’s assigned his bus, and as he walks up to it, he notices that it has a big promotional for Sesame Street on the side. “Great,” he thinks, ...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

The ugly baby

A woman is getting on the bus with her baby in her arms. She's fumbling through her purse looking for the fare when the bus driver looks across and says "Gees lady, that's The Ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
She throws the fare at him and stumbles to the back of the bus in a huff.
"What happe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.

A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, ...

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."

The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker walks into a hotel...

... and says to the receptionist... “ I’ve been on the road for a couple of days. Give me your dirtiest, messiest room, some overcooked spaghetti with burnt sauce and the ugliest hooker in town!”

The receptionist said: “ Well, we have a reputation to uphold at our establishment! We’ll give yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old old folks home.

A man and woman are in a nursing home and they start into a bottle of whiskey that the man has. He eventually talks her into taking her top off. Further down in the bottle of whiskey he is trying to talk her into taking her pants off. "Oh, i don't know. I have acute angina. " "Well I hope so! Those ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married truck driver goes into a brothel

He says to the madam "I'll give you $500 for your ugliest girl and baked beans on burnt toast."

The madam replies "For $500 I'll give you my best looking girl and a 3 course meal."

The truck driver replies "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.

After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.

“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The wh...

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Women Die And Go To Heaven

Welcome to Heaven," Saint Peter greets them at the gate. "We only have one rule here, and that is, under no circumstances, can you step on any of our holy flowers. If you do, you will be punished for all eternity."

The women are confused, but walk through the pearly gates and find that heaven...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck driver, who's been on the road for two months, walks into a brothel

He slams a thousand dollar note on the receptionist's table and says "Give a cheese sandwich and one of your ugliest women"

The receptionist, quite taken aback, says "Why sir, for that money I could give you a seven course meal and two of our best women"

The truck driver says "Look lad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.

"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"

"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"

"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have ...

There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.

“Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?”

“I don’t want first place.”

Ugly baby

A woman gets on a train with her baby. After the train leaves the station a drunk comes staggering down the aisle, takes one look at the baby and stops dead n his tracks, “Lady,”he says “that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, that is one UGLY baby” and he staggers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy finds a genie.

Guy tells genie his wife is a bitch.

Says, 'I want to see her get fucked by the ugliest man in the world.'

Genie installs a mirror in their bedroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

american vs Russian in strong man competition.

In a world series of strong men, an American and a Russian made it to the finals. In the final they had to go in to 3 different rooms and fulfil 3 tasks

1. Drink 3 bottles of the strongest alcohol and come out on your feet

2. Break and bring back 2 teeth of a Lion

3. Fuck th...

Three men die and go to heaven (long)

An angel tells them that before they go through the pearly gates, they must sit outside on a stone slab for three days. "One rule," the angel says, "you must *never* sit on the pink puffy cloud." The three men agree, since they obviously want to go to heaven.

On the first day, one of the me...

There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.

The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing h...

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her wha...

Two ladies are fighting on a bus for the last seat...

The driver went up to the ladies and said the following: "let the ugliest of the 2 have the seat." After which both of the ladies stood for the rest of the ride, never fighting again.

A loud rich man asks a monk how he meditates so well...

The monk, who was just meditating, opens his eyes and sighs,

"The task is simple" he says, "To meditate well, you must find yourself. Personally, all I do is enter a room and look for the ugliest man there. Since that is always me, I never have trouble finding myself"

The man replies...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.