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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

they would eventually find me attractive.

If I had £1 for every woman who found me unattractive

I'd still be ugly, but I'd be richer.

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Adblock makes you unattractive to women...

I just installed it and now all the horny single women in my area have lost interest in me.

My sister is very unattractive.

About two days ago, a peeping tom reached in and pulled down her window shade.

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

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My ex-girlfriend said I’m unattractive, when I look the same as when we dated.

I’ve determined that this could be due to one of three possibilities.
1. She’s lying to bum me out.
2. She willingly dates people she doesn’t find attractive.
3. She got a new optometrist.

Is there something I'm doing that makes me unattractive to communists?

They always leave me on red.

I’m so unattractive

Even the ads on tinder swipe left.

A hero named "Super Cal" suffers from a slight weakness that curses his own body. However, he does have a certain strength. It's, unfortunately, his bad breath that makes him fairly unattractive.

So, basically..."Super Cal is fragile-ish except for Halitosis"

Woman often think I'm unattractive; until they see my bank account...

Then they think I'm poor and unattractive.

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

People always call me unattractive until they see my wallet...

then they call me poor too.

Wife: I feel horrible; I look old, fat and completely unattractive. I really need you to pay me a compliment.

Husband: Your eyesight and opinion is damn right.

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I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park.

The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis.

....

So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.

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My wife just asked me...

if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently, "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for...

Sure, they're popular, but I don't like Russian dolls.

They're always so full of themselves, which I think is a pretty unattractive trait.

Three angles compete to be Goldilocks' husband

The first is obtuse and unattractive; Goldilocks says no.

The second is a-cute one but is unintelligent; again, Goldilocks says no.

But the third, ah yes, the third, is just right.

I had a blind date last night

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you igno...

Three friends die and go to heaven

*Edited for spelling*

[The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor]

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to ente...

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

Mix-up in Heaven

A bus full of people, all of whom were incredibly unattractive, crashes over a cliff. Everyone dies. They all ascend to Heaven. While waiting at the gates, God himself comes to greet them. "Hey, sorry about that. I know you weren't expecting to go that way. But you, know... divine plan." He proceeds...

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A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the ta...

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A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

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If a Woman says you're "unfuckable"...

...she means "you're unattractive". If a Man says you're "unfuckable" it means "you're a Mermaid"

A woman is suicidally depressed

She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a pistol and resolves to end her own life.

Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.

"It's right under the left breast", he replies.

So she hangs up, takes...

There are things worse than death

A young, single, and very handsome test pilot is forced to eject from his jet. His parachute fails to open, and as he plummets to the ground he prays that somehow he will be saved.

He hears voice say, I will save you, but in return you must make the next woman you see happy for the rest of y...

There's only one rule in heaven

Three friends, Ted, Ned, and Fred, get killed in a car crash. They arrive all three together at the pearly gates and are excited that they will be let in, but St. Peter warns them, "There is only one rule in heaven, you must NOT step on the ducks, or you will suffer for eternity." The three friends ...

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot

and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to rece...

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One I've never heard outside family reunions.

Three men are in a fiery car crash and all are killed instantly. They go to heaven. At the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter. "There's my favorite dead guys," he says. "Look, there's only one rule here. Don't step on a duck." The gates open to reveal every inch apparently covered in ducks.
...

I had a dream.

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that Hugh Hefner, publisher of Playboy died and went to Hell. He was trapped in a small room with no doors or windows with an unattractive, hateful woman. A voice boomed out from nowhere and said: "Hugh Hefner, for your sins in life you shall spend eternity wit...

Heaven and hell

A man dies and goes to see Saint Peter knocks on the pearly gates. Saint Peter greets the man and goes through his papers. “Huh, he says, that’s interesting. It turns out that you have had just as many virtues as vices in your life, so I guess I will leave it up to you, whether you want to go to hea...

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