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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

If you can't tell the difference between "there", "their", and "they're"...

Your an idiot.

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

Why do the British say they're bri-ish?

Because they drank the all the T

"Mom, mom!! At the school they're calling me Mafioso!!"

"Don't worry my little son, tomorrow mom goes to the school to put an end to this"

"Thanks mom!!! But please make like it was an accident"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

They're having a real problem with unlicensed food vendors in Seattle.

There's one case where a middle eastern food truck was using organ meat instead of chickpeas!

Yeah, the unlawful falafel was awful offal.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped in the woods. Finally, the trio realize they are lost and decide to hunker down and make camp. They're hungry and decide to hunt.

The brunette goes first and comes back with a rabbit. The blonde and redhead are impressed.

"How'd you do that?" they ask.

"Simple," replies the brunette. "Found tracks, followed tracks, got a rabbit."

It's the redhead's turn next, and she ventures out and comes back with a moos...

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

Fuck me that's a big moustache.

I hear they're trying to make flying fridges

It's a cool concept but I don't think it's going to take off

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I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they're pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop

Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

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It pisses me off when people use the wrong there/their/they're.

Seriously is they're anything worse than that?

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

They're seems to be a lot of people getting there words mixed up

Their, I said it...

I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though.

What a re-leaf.

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

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The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off

Now jerks on the other hand...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

My first grader made this one up: What do you call the northern lights when they're not very interesting?

Aurora Boringalis

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

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A good psychological trick to find out if someone like you or not is by watching the direction of their feet when they're near you,

I'm still not sure if this guy that is kicking my ass like me or not.

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

What do accountants do when they're constipated?

They have to work it out with a pencil.

The mountains aren't just funny, they're

Hill areas

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.

I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.

Wondering if they're ticklish?

Test-tickles are a great place to start.

Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed?

Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

Husband whispers to wife as they're going to sleep

- "Good night, mother of six."
- "Good night, father of one" she replies.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

Guys. Please stop making communism jokes. They're not funny.

unless everyone gets them.

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired?

Dig deep.

The censorship is getting out of hand, they're banning everyone named Anna!

This is banannas!

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

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Everyone loves petting a dog when they're sad

But you ask one crying girl to scratch your ass for you and suddenly you're the bad guy.

I heard they're making a Tetris movie...

They can't get the script done. Every time they write a line, it disappears.

They're out of order.

What does a toilet cubicle and this joke have in common?

Scientists believe they're very close to curing Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately for the agoraphobics, its just around the corner.

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...

they've been found to copulate with corpses.

NeCROWphilia.

How do cannibals decide who they're going eat?

By a soylent majority.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

Where do people injured playing competitive peek-a-boo go when they're hurt?

The ICU

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A group of nuns are on the way to the beach when the bus they're in veers off the road and burns to smithereens.

They all wake up to see they are at the pearly gates of heaven with Saint Paul standing in front of them.

St. Paul goes the first nun and says, "sister have you ever had any contact with a penis? "

"Yes father, I once touched a penis with my finger. "

St. Paul says, "Please di...

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Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex?

Cotton balls.

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

I said to my teenage son "There are two words I'm hearing a lot, and they're starting to grate"

"I'd like you to stop using them so much, please. One of them is 'cringe' and the other is 'epic'. Do you think you could manage that?"

He said "Sure, Dad -- what are the two words?"

Republicans declared they're against mail-in voting.

So Democrats went postal.

How does a blind sky diver know when they're about to land?

The leash goes slack.

They're about to release a braille movie

They're about to release a braille movie, it's tipped to win the best "feel good" movie of the year.

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

What do English speakers yell when they're on a rollercoaster?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

What do Spanish speakers yell when they're on a roller coaster?

Nosotros!!!!!

Now they're saying that if you survived COVID the government wants your plasma.

No sir, they ain't taking my TV.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation β€” they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

I saw the headline "Trump Wades into Racial Tension with Kenosha Visit" and I can't help but think they're using deliberately misleading and inflammatory language.

It should be "Waddles".

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Person 1: I can’t believe they're still together after all that shit.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: My ass cheeks

People tell me there are lots of rivers in Africa. They're wrong, there's only one.

Denial.

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My friend draws beautiful nudes, starting from the feet, up. They're amazing art but he always throws them all away...

I think it's 'cuz he always finishes on the faces.

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

My doctor diagnosed me with eczema but I think they're overreacting

It's just a little rash.

What does a sight-seeing, shapeshifter say when they're being held up at an airport?

"A little faster will ya, I've got places to see and people to be!"

There are 2 types of people in the world: those that apologize when they're wrong

and those I double down on when I'm right.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Why do donkey trailers go faster when they're full?

Because they're hauling ass.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

Sure, they're popular, but I don't like Russian dolls.

They're always so full of themselves, which I think is a pretty unattractive trait.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat... "I do not have a Headache. I do not have a Headache. I do not have a Headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." H...

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

Just a question for people that put the face mask when they're alone in their car,

Do you put the condom when you're alone in bed?

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

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