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They're Jokes

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're sti...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

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What do you a call the sexuality where you are attracted to men and women, but they're not attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

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Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

The mountains aren't just funny, they're

Hill areas

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Did you hear they're remaking The Princess Bride with an all-potato cast?

"Hello, my name is Idaho Montoya. You peeled my father. Prepare to fry."

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

What do the cows do when they're bored ?

Go to the moovies

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

I heard they're not letting Eminem get fully vaccinated.

They told him "you only get one shot."

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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I can't believe they're still together after all that shit!

Looks like my ass cheeks are really inseparable.

I have pretty bad eye floaters, but the doctor said they're innocuous.

Personally, I just don't think he sees the problem.

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Why do tampons think they're better than pads

Because they're stuck up cunts

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

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Did you hear they're recalling Chuck Norris' new toilet paper?

Apparently, it's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anybody.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

So they're going to start shipping Teslas without new car smell. Instead, they're going to have

Elon Musk

They're saying I will never make it as a horse whisperer

But hey, there are always naysayers.

Did you know that they're rebooting the Teletubbies in South-East Asia?

At first I'd read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

Things aren't automatically good just because they're made from natural ingredients

Just look at Ed Gein's lampshade.

Somebody stole my Microsoft office, and they're going to pay.

You have my word.

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Why can't blind people tell when they're done wiping?

Because they can't see shit.

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

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The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The sec...

Wife convinces husband to make a play list for when they're in the bedroom.

Wife: OK what's the first song you want?

Husband: Spiderbait - Black Betty.

Wife: I don't know that one. I look forward to hearing it. What's your next song?

Husband: The playlist doesn't have to be that long.

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

They're finally making a movie about clocks.

It's about time

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They're giving all the old men Viagra over at the old folks home.

It keeps them from rolling out of bed.

They're defunding the Pentagon.

Now it's the Triangle.

Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"

What kind of doctor has to show up whenever they're needed, day or night?

An on-callogist

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Did you see they're turning poop into diesel now?

Turns out you can get pretty far with a load of bullshit.

Why don't Ewoks yell when they're inside?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

What do you call someone who thinks they're right just because they make decisions?

An Ergomaniac.

Did you know? Coi travel in groups of 4 once they're attacked koi a b and c swim away

And the d koi is attacked

Found out they're adding a Priest villager in the new Minecraft update

I really thought the Creeper was sufficient.

[OC] Did you hear about that new Anatomically Correct Elmo doll they're working on?

Before they sell it to the kids, they're gonna give it two test tickles.

On mars, they're surviving using Hydrogen.

It's called H 2.0

Why do women close their eyes when they're getting laid?

Because they can't stand to see a guy having a good time...

Titanic jokes aren't funny anymore. They're so old and outdated.

That ship has sailed a long time ago.

If you play a G, C, and D on a piano, they're the most Christian notes...

...because it's a Gsus chord.

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

Did you know they're gonna release the 10th Fast and Furious movie already?

It's called Fast10 your seatbelts.

Why do the British say they're bri-ish?

Because they drank the all the T

I heard they're making a Tetris movie...

They can't get the script done. Every time they write a line, it disappears.

Where do mediaeval soldiers hang out when they're off duty?

At the knight club

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My Japanese carp recently got a new aquarium, but they're hiding in rocks and not coming out so much.

They're acting a bit koi.

"You have 3 kids, and they're all behaving so well!"

That's because I used to have 4.

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

the say the average redditor doesn't exercise, but they're wrong!

I just spent an hour jumping *to conclusions* and running *my mouth*!

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

How do you identify a female? Easy. They're the only ones that hurt you.

Male mosquitoes on the other hand are basically harmless

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

What do you call twins before they're born?

Wombmates

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Where do boats go when they're sick?

To the boat doc.

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

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At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

I met a Jockey who told me they're dating a Carpenter

I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable

Did you know they're renaming the Nantucket sound?

It's going to be called JFK Jr. Airport

They're out of order.

What does a toilet cubicle and this joke have in common?

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot

Everyone on /r/wallstreetbets is buying uranium in the hope of getting rich, but they're in for a nasty surprise

They're expected to lose 50% of their investment over the next 700 million years.

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

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I asked 100 people what they're Favorite shampoo was!

The most common reply was ''How The Fuck Did You Get In Here!?''

Did you hear that they're broadcasting the World Origami Championships?

It's on paper-view.

Teacher:"Anyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

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Why don't rabbits make noise when they're having sex?

Cotton balls.

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Did you hear they're doing a remake of Dumb and Dumber?

It's on tonight on every major network, tonight at 9.

Apple is introducing robot dogs to the market soon. They're testing one in Mexico right now.

It's called the iChihuahua.

What do accountants do when they're constipated?

They have to work it out with a pencil.

In Alabama, they're not worried about OnlyFans restricting adult content

They use OnlyFams.

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

When they're little, your kids should never be stressed out.

They deserve a chance to be "chill"-dren

What's the hardest part about an ex saying they're HIV positive?

Trying to act surprised

I hear they're trying to make flying fridges

It's a cool concept but I don't think it's going to take off

They're having a real problem with unlicensed food vendors in Seattle.

There's one case where a middle eastern food truck was using organ meat instead of chickpeas!

Yeah, the unlawful falafel was awful offal.

My wife and I are allowed to see other people but only if they're from another country

We're Ethnically Non Monogamous

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

My friend drops French fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They’re dropping like fries.

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

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They're having sex

Little Jhonny and his mama and papa lived in a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. Now with little Johnny being little the parents would send him out into the balcony whenever they wanted to get frisky, to make it seem routine they'd ask him what he saw when he was out. So one Saturday afternoon h...

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

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From my wife: Why did God create orgasms?

So women have something to moan about, even when they're happy.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

They're about to release a braille movie

They're about to release a braille movie, it's tipped to win the best "feel good" movie of the year.

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

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Three men go to hell and they're pissed..

Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
<...

Scientists believe they're very close to curing Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately for the agoraphobics, its just around the corner.

Husband whispers to wife as they're going to sleep

- "Good night, mother of six."
- "Good night, father of one" she replies.

If a person speaks 3 languages, they're trilingual. If they speak 2 languages, they're bilingual. What if they speak 1 language?

They're american.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

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Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

Fuck me that's a big moustache.

I hate people who pretend they're cultured when they talk about Mozart.

I bet they haven't seen any of his paintings.

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.

I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.

Republicans declared they're against mail-in voting.

So Democrats went postal.

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

What do chefs make when they're drunk?

$12.50/hr

Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed?

Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.

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I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

What's a great way to hand someone all the answers they're looking for, only for them to ignore it and ask anyway?

Be a teacher and give a student their syllabus.

They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop.

But I think I'll pass

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

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