The Public Jokes - 50 Hilarious The Public Jokes

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

I was in the public toilets....

... and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”. The voi...

What to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom stall you're in

"We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations."

If they reply "Well what about old friends?", then you really should probably consider if you're decent before letting Gandalf in.

I got told to leave the public baths once for peeing in the water.

I was so shocked I nearly fell in the pool.

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

Once I got kicked out of the public pool.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy, saying, "What if your mom was a...

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I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought t...

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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

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Did you hear about the public masturbater in the camo trenchcoat?

Nobody saw him coming

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In the public washroom

2 teenagers stand at the wash basin, 1st teen washed his hands with soap then dries.

2nd teen washes his hands, uses toilet paper then uses hand sanitizer, at the door he says: My dad told me to was hands then use sanitizer after.

Out came a third guy not even washing anything.

...

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

What did the American say to the guy next to him at the public loo in Paris?

European

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Why was the public masturbator released?

he got off in court

I hate when i have too use the toilet really bad and i have to use the public toilets.

Like i don't want a reminder that i seriously need to clean my house.

Prayer has no place in the public schools

just like facts have no place in organized religion

Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a homicidal chiropractor.

The Chief reports that the best line of defense is to watch your back.

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.”

The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the div...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library

Authorities are at a loss for words

The Kentucky State Fair will take place this year, but will be closed to the public

Doesn’t seem fair to me

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What did the public masturbator say to the bus driver?

"This is where I get off."

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

The new strip club's sign said 'open to the public'.

Until my friends stole the L.

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

House votes 420-0 to release Mueller's report to the public....

See Marijuana brings people together!!!!

What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool?

"I was only practicing my breast stroke"

Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

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One day a hippie gets a ride on the public bus and sees a hot young nun.

He sits down next to her and
promptly asks if she would like to
have Sex, to which she immediately
says NO and walks off the bus.
The Bus Driver leans over and says
"Hey guy I know how to get that nun
to have Sex with you..."
Naturally the Hippie asks, and the
Bus Dri...

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

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A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

Who do Egyptians pray to when the public transportation breaks down?

Anubis

(If you don't get it, say it slower.)

Two men were being led to the gallows in the public square...

The square was packed with people, wagons, vendor's stalls, children and farm animals.

Suddenly, a large bull bellowed loudly and broke loose from it's enclosure. It began rampaging through the crowd, knocking over stalls, running down people, goring anyone who got in it's way. People started...

John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?

Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.

The BBC are setting up a theme park and asked the public what BBC show concept they would most like to ride. The number one survey response was simply...

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

The public pool had to be shut down because they found five drowned blondes in the deep end.

Some kid had put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom.

I went to the public library yesterday looking for that one book about Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.

As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

My boss asked me how many Galaxy Note 7s I ended up selling to the public.

Unfortunately, I couldn't recall.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

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