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The Italian Jokes

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”


The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”


The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”


The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”


And so on and so on for hours...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

Why are the Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

Why couldn't the Italian get into his house?

He had gnocchi

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

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The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel....

Don't Miss The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian"

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was ...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

Giorgio, the Italian immigrant...

(long) ...came to the US back in the 1960s before digital photos, cell phones, or computers. He wanted to get a professional photo taken to be sent to his mamma in Italy to show her how well he was doing.

The photographer said he would be at Giorgio’s home at 11:00. But, Giorgio understood 1:...

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

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The Italian Lover..

... a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled...

The Italian Mother

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women int...

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

Why did the Italian cheese maker join a dating app?

He was provolonely.

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An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man wal...

Italian Girl

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And did you ...

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

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Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

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The Italian businessman

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to k...

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Why couldn't the Italian explain himself to the police?

He was handcuffed.

What's the best way to make sure the Italian entry wins a Broadway Trophy?

Rigatoni

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

Why does the Italian chef feel badly about himself?

He has im-pasta syndrome!

Why was the Italian locked out after dinner?

because he had 'gnocchi'

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

The Italian Poker Club

Six retired Italian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni ...

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen...

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..









...Dissa-1

What do you call the Italian slums?

The spaghettos.

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

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A little old Italian man goes to the US patent office.

He sits patiently in the waiting room with a small brown bag in his lap. After about an hour, a young man greets him and invites him into the office.

The worker asks the gentleman why he was there. The Italian man says, “ima gonna show you sumtig. You gonna love it!”.

He opens the bag...

How did the Euro Cup leave Wembley with the Italians?

Via the South Gate

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing which nation is the more intelligent

So the Greek says "we invented sex!"


To which the Italian responds "and we decided to do it with women"

Where does the Italian mafia live?

In the spaghetto

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An Italian, a Mexican, and a Blonde American are working construction.

The three men eat lunch together each day at the top of the building they are constructing.

The Italian opens his lunchbox and exclaims "Seriously!? Spaghetti again? If my wife packs this one more time, I swear I'm jumping off this building."

The Mexican opens his too. "Tacos again? ...

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THE MAN of the Italian house

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, _You Can Be THE MAN of Your House._

Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm...

The Italian wedding Test [Long]

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

What did the Italian farmer name his fascist cow?

Moo-ssolini

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant?

Tapas

The Italian government has imposed strict curfews.

Absolutely no Roman the streets.

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

What is the Italian NRA called?

Prosciutto.

What did the Italian junkie say?

Giovanni Change

What did the Italian with early onset dementia say?

I fuhgoddaboudit!

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed?

So they wouldn't talk in their sleep

What did Anakin order from the Italian bakery?

Only one cannoli.

What sort of beans do they use in the Italian city of Pisa?

Cannellini beans

What food did the Italian wife make before a night of kinky activities?

Fetish-ini

General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".

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The Italian who went to Malta

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, ...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to ...

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An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta

This year there’ll be no disco in ferno

Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven?

He ate too much angel hair

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a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?

It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

What did the Jedi eat after a big dinner at the Italian restaurant?

Only One Cannoli
(My 8 year old just told me this, and I laughed way too hard.)

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