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Did you know that Hitler was in dire need of a pedicure while he was leader of the third reich?

He was a toe-talon-aryan

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Indian guy is in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.

He's so desperate that he decides to ask Lord Vishnu for help. He goes to the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Vishnu, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Pleas...

A man goes to the doctor and receives a dire diagnosis: you’ll definitely die from this. I’m estimating you should still have around 5

“Five what doctor? Five years? Months? Days???”

4...3...2...

Dire Straits and Chris Rea are getting together.....

......they are calling themselves Dire Rea.

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East..

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Did you hear that Dire Straits are opening a cafe?

They take money for muffins, but the chips are free.

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits...

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” ...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.

Dire times indeed.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

A minister of a church meets with the church council

A minister of a church meets with the church council

The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”.

They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.

The minister ...

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Sexual Exhaustion

The teacher started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition, or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass male student asks , "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" causing the class to burst into l...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

A Journalist is being given a tour of a hospital by the Hospital administrator

They take the elevator to the 3rd floor, which is devoted entirely to eating disorder patients.

The Journalist notices a wedding gown and tuxedo hanging in one room.

"What is the deal with those?" the journalist asks

"Oh" says the administrator "Those are for very dire cases"...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

A secret governmental team was recently discovered...

There are 5 members, all equipped with their own devastating properties:

First is Wall, a bulky tank that has the strength capacity to destroy a brick wall in a single punch. His threatening amount of muscles can make the strongest men run in terror.

Next is Ssss. Nobody knows much abo...

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A zoo bought a female gorilla

About a week after buying a gorilla the zookeepers noticed the gorilla became extremely aggressive. There was nothing they could do to console the gorilla. After awhile even when they fed the gorilla it would refuse to eat and throw its food against the wall.

After this went on for awhile the...

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

Which song does the sperm donor play in repeat?

Dire Straits - Money for Nutting

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[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

A pimp is on the streets trying to pimp out his ladies...

There is one of his ladies in particular who is worried she won't be able to pay her bills and the pimp is also worried for her. So he decides to fancy her up in this beautiful dress and personally take her onto the streets to try to get her a customer. After hours of spruiking to potential customer...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

Grad School Romance

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.


Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to ge...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.

The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

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Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.

Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.

Lady: look carefully, it is me!

Diarrhea sounds exactly how it's described.

Dire rear.

A lonely orca is swimming in the arctic

Normally he doesn't venture this far north, but he figures there's nothing wrong with a longer swim into the frigid waters.

All of sudden he spots the most beautiful girl orca he's ever seen. Too long our poor protagonist has let opportunities pass him by, but not this time. So he gathers his...

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A different kind of doctor

A man was speeding down the local highway, far over the limit as he crossed a bridge. The cop that was hidden to the side raced after him and immediately pulled him over. He walks up to the car window and begins to question the man.

"Where are you headed in such a hurry?" the cop asks

...

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The Leprechaun Nun

Father O'Malley was walking through the fields in Belfast when he looked down and saw a four leaf clover. He picked it and spoke outloud "This must be me lucky day!" Then a Leprechaun came out from behind a tree and stood before him. "Oh it is me lucky day! Do I get a wish now?"

The Leprechau...

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An honest, hardworking husband and wife were at the point of bankruptcy, in desperate need of cash to make ends meet.

The wife suggested that, because the husband was already working three jobs and she had only two, she could work late nights as a prostitute.

The husband expressed concern for her safety but reluctantly
agreed that this was the only way out of their dire circumstances.

So that night...

French joke

French teacher on the difference between dire vs parler. For the warm up, she says "Let's talk about it."

Public toilet problems

A guy with severe diarrhea runs into a public toilet in dire hope of relief. After hearing only "Taken" and "In a minute" from the stalls, he blindly kicks the last stall door open, turns around, pulls his pants down and unleashes the tides within and the brown tsunami stains the walls. After the q...

At the IRS audit

IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' & checks for free.

Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that?

IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits.

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What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

Got Change?

An elderly couple is in financial dire straits. Their pension is running out and things are starting to look desperate.

After several pointless job interviews and attempting to sell some junk from the attic, they reach the sad conclusion that the only hope they have is for the wife to sell h...

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An American Tourist in Japan

An American tourist is in dire need of a toilet while waiting in the lobby of a Japanese hotel. The men's room in the lobby has an enormous line, while the ladies' room is completely empty. Desperate, the man goes up to the manager and says, "I'm sorry, but I really, really need a toilet, would you ...

What's the difference between Walk of Life and Washington state?

One's by Dire Straits, the other's by dryer states.

^badump ^tssss

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