What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

A proctologist pulls a thermometer out from his coat pocket...

Great, now some A**hole has my pen!

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

...and thinks "some asshole's got my pen".

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

Two dudes compering dicks (A joke in metric system)

Two dudes are boasting about their dicks.
The first dude says that his dick is 12.
The other says that it's impressive but his dick is 37.
So how did you measure it up to be 37? - wonders the first dude in disbelief.
The other answers - With Celsius thermometer.

Edit: spelling.

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A doctor walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, " hey doc, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

Surprised, the doctor reaches behind his ear and grabs the thermometer.

"Huh," the doctor replies. "I guess some asshole has my pencil."

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

What do a thermometer and graduated cylinder have in common?

They both have a degree

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

My proctologist started to write me a prescription with a thermometer..

When I pointed it out to him, he replied "damnit, some asshole has my pen!"

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

You might have graduated but I have got many degrees.

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

What's the definition of a "sadist"?

A proctologist who keeps their thermometer in the freezer.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.

"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some as...

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

This joke may contain offensive words. πŸ€”

A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"