This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

What's the biggest difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What do you call a male thermometer?

A therdadeter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some Asshole has my pen!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a thermometer and a dick have in common?

That under the armpit they work fine, while inside the butt they work amazingly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.



(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

Just bought one of those infrared thermometers and have been testing it thoroughly.

We’re all fine but the radiator is really sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is walking down the hall when another nurse stops her and asks what she has behind her ear.

She reaches back and pulls out a thermometer, rolling her eyes.
"God damnit, some Asshole's got my pen!"

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

Got a new IR thermometer for work.

Co-worker: is this rectal or oral use?

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astrology: When a thermometer breaks during your rectal examination.

Mercury will be in your anus

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says

"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says

"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"

The man scoffs,

"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"

"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As much as I liked that rectal fever thermometer app on the iPhone...

... on the iPad it's a fucking pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse walks into a bank…

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit....

Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.

Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and then shakes his head. “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

My thermometer is attracted to sick people...

He says they’re *sooooooo* hot.

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

“Great!” She says, “Some dick has my pen!”
I told her, “Urethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.