How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

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The nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and said...

"Some asshole has my pen!"

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A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Actually, not much. Except the taste.

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

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If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand with a meat thermometer...

I looked at the dial and it said well done, turkey.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

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During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

“Great!” She says, “Some dick has my pen!”
I told her, “Urethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

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A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Man: Will I be alright doc?

Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.

Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

What do a thermometer and graduated cylinder have in common?

They both have a degree

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

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My proctologist started to write me a prescription with a thermometer..

When I pointed it out to him, he replied "damnit, some asshole has my pen!"

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A man visited the doctor

The doctor checked his temperature with a thermometer, they were having a chat.

The doctor said ‘Mercury is in Uranus’. The patient replied ‘I’m not into that astrology stuff’. The doctor said ‘me neither, my thermometer just broke’

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

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Me: Doc, will I be ok?

Doctor: I doubt it based off the fact that Mercury is in Uranus right now.

Me: I don't believe in all of that astrology stuff.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke in your ass though.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

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I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

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Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer.

Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.

This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.

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A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

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A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the the...

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Doctors pen

While writing a prescription a Doctor notices he has an anal thermometer in place of his pen. When the patient notices and mentions it the doctor replies " I guess some asshole got my pen".

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A doctor pulls out his pad to write when he notices...

...that he’s holding a rectal thermometer. He thinks to himself, “Well, some asshole’s got my pen.”

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A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

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A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

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Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.

"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

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Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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