Thermometer Jokes - 26 Hilarious Thermometer Jokes

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from a Ford automobile joke book published by the Standard Thermometer Company sometime in the 1920s

Boob: They tell me that all Ford cars will be painted red next year.
Simp: How's that?
Boob: The State laws insist that any tin can made to carry gasoline must be painted red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer.

"Oh darn!" he said, "Some asshole has my pen."

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

upvote

downvote

report

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

What do you call an Italian rectal thermometer?

Innuendo

upvote

downvote

report

How tall is the thermometer's Mecury?

Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, while on rounds at the hospital, notices an intern looking at him strangely.

The intern says, "Doctor, you have a thermometer tucked behind your ear." The doctor pulled the thermometer from behind his ear, looked at it and exclaimed, "Damn it, some asshole's got my pencil!"

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

I always use this joke when going to Dr's, or any medical situation. It never fails to get a great laugh.

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a thermometer and a dick have in common?

That under the armpit they work fine, while inside the butt they work amazingly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dick tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your dick
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual sex.
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

Got a new IR thermometer for work.

Co-worker: is this rectal or oral use?

upvote

downvote

report

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

upvote

downvote

report

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

upvote

downvote

report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

upvote

downvote

report

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

upvote

downvote

report

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

upvote

downvote

report

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

upvote

downvote

report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.