As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

How tall is the thermometer's Mecury?

Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.

What's the difference between red and blue thermometers?

The taste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

What's the biggest difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What do you call a male thermometer?

A therdadeter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a thermometer and a dick have in common?

That under the armpit they work fine, while inside the butt they work amazingly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for anal exam.

Man: What’s wrong, is it serious?

Doctor: It’s not looking too good, I’m afraid. Mercury is in Uranus at the moment.

Man: Please, doctor, I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Nor do I! My thermometer just broke.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.



(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astrology: When a thermometer breaks during your rectal examination.

Mercury will be in your anus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Got a new IR thermometer for work.

Co-worker: is this rectal or oral use?

Just bought one of those infrared thermometers and have been testing it thoroughly.

We’re all fine but the radiator is really sick

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

What is the smartest tool?

A thermometer because it has so many degrees

Say aww

Nurse comes out of patients room with the Thermometer behind her ear . Doctor says “do you know you have a rectal thermometer behind ear “.Nurse says “thank you ,now I remember where I left my pen”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As much as I liked that rectal fever thermometer app on the iPhone...

... on the iPad it's a fucking pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An astrologist goes to a doctor

After a few tests he says "Doctor, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says "Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all."

The astrologist exclaims, "What?! You're actually right. I'm shocked that a doctor believes in astrology"

"Oh, not that." replies t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse walks into a bank…

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is walking down the hall when another nurse stops her and asks what she has behind her ear.

She reaches back and pulls out a thermometer, rolling her eyes.
"God damnit, some Asshole's got my pen!"

I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand with a meat thermometer...

I looked at the dial and it said well done, turkey.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit....

Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.

Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and then shakes his head. “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

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