What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste

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I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.

Some asshole must have my pen.

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Nurse: "Dr, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

Dr, after grabbing thermometer: "dammit, some asshole has my pencil."

My thermometer is attracted to sick people...

He says they’re *sooooooo* hot.

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

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As much as I liked that rectal fever thermometer app on the iPhone...

... on the iPad it's a fucking pain in the ass.

I read a horror story about a thermometer once...

It was chilling

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

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A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

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If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove t...

I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand with a meat thermometer...

I looked at the dial and it said well done, turkey.

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Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.

Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

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An exhausted Nurse walks into a bank after an 18 hour shift...

She grabs a deposit slip, walks up to the teller, reaches into her purse, grabs a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

When she realizes the mistake she looks up at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says *"Well that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"*

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

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During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

“Great!” She says, “Some dick has my pen!”
I told her, “Urethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

An American is calling his Russian friend in the middle of winter.

"Dude I don't get it how you can stand such cold."

"It's not that bad. And we're used to it."

"Still. I saw on TV it's like -70° where you live? Crazy!"

"What? Nyet. It's maybe -30°. Not bad at all."

"Even that would be way too cold for me!"

"Haha you get used to i...

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“Doc....Will I be OK?”

“I’m not sure. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”

“C’mon Doc. You know I don’t do that astrology stuff.”

“Neither do I...but my thermometer broke.”

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During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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My proctologist started to write me a prescription with a thermometer..

When I pointed it out to him, he replied "damnit, some asshole has my pen!"

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I went to the doctor for a bad gout attack

After assessing the severity of my gout, he reached into his coat pocket to grab pen to write me prescription. Instead of a pen, he had a rectal thermometer in his hand. I laughed and pointed. He said, “Oh dear. Appears some asshole has my pen.”

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I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

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A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

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A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

I have just come back from Boots Pharmacy...

...to get a thermometer, but was told they were sold out by 8am that morning. I was told they had plenty of barometers on the shelves, but i said sorry, i don't give in to pressure sales.

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Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer.

Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.

This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.

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A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

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A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

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Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.

"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

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