UPJOKE
temperaturefahrenheitmercurybarometercelsiusmeat thermometerthermostatrefrigeratorstethoscopeovenmicrowavespeedometerdonenessdegreesfridge

The difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer

is all a matter of taste.

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How do you use a Rectal Thermometer ?

You put the Mercury in Uranus..

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some asshole has my pen!”

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A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

What's the difference between red and blue thermometers?

The taste.

How tall is the thermometer's Mecury?

Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

What do you call a male thermometer?

A therdadeter.

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What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

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"Will I be ok doc?"

"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

"I don't believe in that astrology rubbish."

"Nor do I !! My thermometer just broke."

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A man goes to the doctor for anal exam.

Man: What’s wrong, is it serious?

Doctor: It’s not looking too good, I’m afraid. Mercury is in Uranus at the moment.

Man: Please, doctor, I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Nor do I! My thermometer just broke.

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A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Got a new IR thermometer for work.

Co-worker: is this rectal or oral use?

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.



(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

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I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

Importance

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. S...

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

Just bought one of those infrared thermometers and have been testing it thoroughly.

We’re all fine but the radiator is really sick

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A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...

He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a rectal thermometer.

He says, "Great! Now some asshole has my pen!"

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

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At her annual checkup the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.

She bends over the examining table but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!"

Said the doctor, "That's not my thermometer!"

Just then the woman's husband comes into the room. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands.

"I'm taking your wife's te...

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

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A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

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A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

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Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.

"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

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