How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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If a rectal thermometer breaks in your butt

There’s mercury in Uranus

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A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Man: Will I be alright doc?

Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.

Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

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The nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and said...

"Some asshole has my pen!"

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Actually, not much. Except the taste.

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A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

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A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the the...

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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A doctor walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, " hey doc, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

Surprised, the doctor reaches behind his ear and grabs the thermometer.

"Huh," the doctor replies. "I guess some asshole has my pencil."

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During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

β€œGreat!” She says, β€œSome dick has my pen!”
I told her, β€œUrethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

What do a thermometer and graduated cylinder have in common?

They both have a degree

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

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My proctologist started to write me a prescription with a thermometer..

When I pointed it out to him, he replied "damnit, some asshole has my pen!"

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

My thermometer is really inconsistent

It is having varying degrees of success

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A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

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What's the definition of a "sadist"?

A proctologist who keeps their thermometer in the freezer.

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I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

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Galileo Galilei Invented the Thermoscope Which is the Forerunner of the Rectal Thermometer.

Galileo also created the theory of heliocentric orbits by studying near planets like Mercury. This led to the discovery of further planets like Uranus.

This is a man who found two different ways to apply Mercury to Uranus.

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A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

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A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

'Oh great, some arsehole's got my pen.'

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

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Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.

"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some as...

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Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

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A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

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A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

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