UPJOKE
temperaturefahrenheitmercurybarometercelsiusmeat thermometerthermostatrefrigeratorstethoscopeovenmicrowavespeedometerdegreesfridgealtimeter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

Answer: The taste.

"Do you know where the rectale thermometer is?"

"Is that the one with the weird taste?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who broke the doctor's thermometer?

Some asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you use a Rectal Thermometer ?

You put the Mercury in Uranus..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some asshole has my pen!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

What's the difference between red and blue thermometers?

The taste.

What do you call a male thermometer?

A therdadeter.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said

"I've got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor

A busy doctor is reading a chart by a patient.

The nurse says, “Doctor, you really should not carry a thermometer behind your ear like that.


The doctor takes the thermometer, frowns and says, “Darn! Some asshole has my pen”.

How tall is the thermometer's Mecury?

Not too big, not to small. It's fair in height.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a thermometer and a dick have in common?

That under the armpit they work fine, while inside the butt they work amazingly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my check-up

I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor.....

and stopped to speak to the head nurse.
“Oh doctor,” she said, “you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear.”
“Shit!” cried the doctor. “Some asshole has my pen!”

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.



(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Got a new IR thermometer for work.

Co-worker: is this rectal or oral use?

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for anal exam.

Man: What’s wrong, is it serious?

Doctor: It’s not looking too good, I’m afraid. Mercury is in Uranus at the moment.

Man: Please, doctor, I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Nor do I! My thermometer just broke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some assh...

My thermometer is attracted to sick people...

He says they’re *sooooooo* hot.

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor starts writing up a note when the nurse walks in and says, "Doctor, you can't write anything with a thermometer..."

Doctor looks down and shakes his head.

"Looks like some asshole has my pen again."

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.