UPJOKE
prickgoadprickleacupuncturesewingdry pointpointerpointacerate leafthreadhaystacksuturehypodermicknitting needlesewing needle

Needles Jokes

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

I have a fear of needles.

Being a haystack would suck.

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is mad at me. She was rubbing my shoulders but started poking me with needles.

I was getting mixed massages.

I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk needles

Two drunk needles walk out of the bar. They see an hedgehog walking by and one of them goes:

“Crap, the bus is full. I guess we gotta walk home.”

I'm on pins and needles

I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results of my acupuncture exam.

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

Knitting needle murders

The police are on the hunt for a killer who has been stabbing their victims with knitting needles. The police believe they may be following a pattern.

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

What do you call a pastry made out of needles?

A porcupie

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus

They're pricks

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

Adding an s to the word "needles"...

Is needless.

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane.

They were worried she might knit an afghan.

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

Scientists are using a new geometric formula to produce hypodermic needles that can be used up to ten times before being disposed.

They're calling this new product the "Hypo- ten use"

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

Christmas trees are bad at sewing

They always drop their needles.

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

Why did I name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse?

Because it's just going to die and leave needles everywhere.

*As told to me by David Sedaris while getting a book signed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

I used to be an anti-vaxxer...

I changed my mind after mommy and daddy helped me overcome my fear of needles

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill....

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

What's the difference between anti-vaxxers and vaccines?

Needles actually have a point.

Some call people dying from not vaccinating a needless tragedy…

I call it a Needle-less tragedy

Just once I would like to go to a acupuncturist, lay down on his couch and when he says "how can I help you?"

I'll say "Well I keep getting pins and needles in my leg"

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him,

He says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "abs...

How do you cure a Seattlite of COVID-19?

Space and Needles

My mother just got a sewing machine

Needles to say, she was sattisfied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dentist with a severe toothache. The dentist looked into his mouth and told him he'd have to pull out a rotten tooth. The man said, "Whatever it takes. I can't stand the pain."

The dentist took out a needle and the man
said, "No, I'm scared to death of needles. Can
you use something else to kill the pain?"
The dentist said, "Sure, I'll just give you
some nitrous oxide instead."
The man said, "No can do, Doc. I'm allergic
to gas."
So the dentist gave hi...

What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him.
Via shared needles.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.