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Switched Jokes

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

I almost got switched at birth in the hospital

But then my mother got caught by the nurse

I switched the labels on all my wife's spices.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I switched…

I switched from Cox because they charged to much then I thought to myself another large bill is just on the Verizon

I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.

My Dr. explained that it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

I switched my friends M and N keys

Some might call me a monster. But others may call me a nomster

I finally switched from Internet Explorer to Chrome!

Just kidding, happy April fools day!

I switched my girlfriend’s bed with a trampoline.

She really hit the roof.

My friend drops French fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They’re dropping like fries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

If American football switched to metric

They'd have to convert 4th and inches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having run out of toilet paper, Jack switched to newspapers.

Now you have a well-read Jack ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I switched songs from 'Lazaretto' to 'Barracuda'

Heart on, Jack off

In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

I just recently switched from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor

I guess you could say that it's my new year's resolution

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

You hear about the quarterback who switched teams after being sacked 8 times??

The grass was greener on the other side of defense.

Bono switched from Google to Bing

But he still hasn't found what he's looking for

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Switched Inputs

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immedi...

What did Jesus say when he switched from Intel to AMD?

Do not mourn me for I have Ryzen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twin Switch

A man once dated a woman with a twin. The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.

One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone at work deliberately switched the buttons around on the elevator!

It’s wrong on so many levels.

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but I don't think it's working.

I'm still an asshole.

Mr. Jacob switched into many names until his death...

Jacob was his last name.

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

Did you hear about the cannibal who switched to Spam?

He said it's the greatest thing since sliced Fred

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union...

...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

One thing changed when I switched from teaching math to teaching computer classes.

When students left at the end of class, I used to say, "Calcu-later!" Now I say "CPU later!"

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

My wife and I switched positions to make our night more exciting last night...

so she sat on the couch and I washed dishes.

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