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When the Queen takes a majestic shit...

Does she follow it with a royal flush?

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

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A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Today, I followed two majestic birds of pray

They then kicked me out of the nunnery

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If you're on a majestic stallion

If you're on a majestic stallion, chasing after a grizzly bear with your musket loaded, ready to fire, neither gaining nor losing the other, and as you turn your back you see a ferocious lion in hot pink, ready to take you down.....


You should seriously get your drunk ass of that carousel...

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it w...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

Here we see the majestic Woodchuck, also known as a Groundhog which begs the question

How much ground would a ground hog hog if a ground hog could hog ground?

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

A pessimist finished building a majestic slide.

"Things can only go downhill from here."

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An old woman finds a Genie lamp and brings it home...

She decides to polish it and rubs it with a cloth.

*POOF!* a Genie appears

Genie: "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you three wishes. What will they be?"

Old woman, shocked: "Eh...Um.. Err. I GOT IT! Make me a young and rich queen!"

Genie snaps his fingers and she turns...

Two Americans are visiting Rome Colosseum

\- "Look at it. How huge and majestic it is."

\- "Just imagine how great it'll be when they finish building it."

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

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An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.

The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"

"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.

The boy then poin...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

A Woman Goes To Buy A Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

Herds of wild horses roam the banks of narrow Norwegian inlets.

The majestic Fjord Mustangs.

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A young Indian boy and his father are sitting in a teepee. The child asks his father,”Father, how did you decide what to name me and my brothers?”

His father replies,”Well son, as soon as you are born, I hold you in my arms and we walk outside to show you our land. When your eldest brother was born, I see a majestic soaring eagle, so I name him ‘Soaring Eagle’. I took your second brother and we saw a herd of bison, hence the name ‘Brave Bison’...

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

A Holy Car

A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman.

The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks,
“Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”.

The priest proudly says
“Why yes I am!”.

“Well then,” says the s...

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth

She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"


I said "I was at a birth once"


"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.


I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up the...

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So a Bus Full of Nuns is Driving Through The Mountains. . .

When suddenly the driver nods off, and they careen over the edge of a cliff plummeting to their deaths.

When they open their eyes, infront of them stand the majestic pearly gates, and Sainst peter sitting at a desk waiting.

"Okay ladies, listen up, I need to ask each of you a question,...

Thank god.

A man is at a looking to buy a horse, the horse trader leads him to a majestic white stallion.

The horse trader said: "This horse can understand three commands, if you want it to walk, say 'Praise God', if you want it to gallop say 'Thank God' and if you want it to stop say 'Oh My God'. "...

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Old Native American joke

A young Indian boy was curious about how he got his name. He asked the chief, "Chief, how do we get our names?"

The Chief answers him, "We give names by what is outside of the teepee during ones birth.

"When your mom was born, it was a beautiful April day, so we named her BlueSky.
<...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once...

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So the little Native American boy asks his father...

..."Father, how did I get my name?"

His father said, "Son, in our tribe, when a child is born, the father walks outside the teepee and names the child after the first thing he notices. For instance, when your older brother was born, I walked out of the teepee and saw a majestic eagle flying o...

Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing...

Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two.

Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two.

...

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours....

There once lived a puma (mountain lion) in LA.

This particular cat never really identified herself as a puma, she really felt a closer affinity towards tigers. Being in LA, she convinced herself she could chase her dreams and set off on a journey to find herself and realise her identity.

After swimming across the seven seas, she finally g...

OCD Bartender

A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall line...

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A man finds a genie in a bottle

He is granted 1 wish. Being that he is old and has erectile dysfunction he wishes that he might one again achieve the firm erection of his youth. The genie grants his wish on the condition that when he finally decides to get the erection, he has to proclaim 1-2-3! out loud. And then when its time to...

Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.

They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.

When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crysta...

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A Native American emerges with a new born...

A Native American chief emerges from a teepee with a new born in his hands, looks round at the crowd of awaiting people and announces, "this boy shall be known as "Sitting Bull"".

One young man approaches the chief and asks "Chief, why name the boy "Sitting Bull?"

"It is simple. Whe...

French Joke (translated)

A Frenchman, an American, and an Arab are on a hot air balloon.
The hot air ballon wouldn't lift-off as there was too much weight, so the three friends agree on throwing off anything that is plentiful in their respective countries. The rich American goes forth and throws away piles on piles of ...

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Murphy...

...had had a very rough life. He was orphaned at the age of four, and was physically abused at every foster home he lived in. When he made it to high school, he was determined to study hard and make something of himself. But he was a sickly boy, and missed so much school that he didn't graduate.<...

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A guy and his family are on safari...

And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's i...

There was once three kingdoms.

Now the first kingdom was full of people saying "Ehh!" all the time, so without being superbly creative, they called themselves the Kingdom of Ehh. The second kingdom, which farmed bees and their honey as the main form of currency and food, called themselves the Kingdom of Bee. And the third and fin...

Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea

(this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, "hey Moses...you still got da funk?" Moses says "yeah buddy!", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle.
He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, "so how bout you JC? do you st...

If you ever feel like a third wheel, just stop....

You are not a third wheel. You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.

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