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Shining Jokes

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?

Magnets

What do The Shining, Titanic, Game of Thrones, and The Sixth Sense all have in common?

Icy dead people.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

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(mildly NSFW) What is the difference between masturbation and shining your shoes?

When you shine your shoes you get them off -before- you rub them vigorously.

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

I always wanted to see my name in shining lights.

So I changed my name to Exit.

Deleted scene from The Shining

[Jack Nicholson chops into door with axe]

[Shelley Duvall screams]

[Jack Nicholson sticks his head through the hole in the door] HEEEEERE'S JOURNEY!!!

["Any Way You Want It" starts playing]

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

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Three men are stranded on the desert, under the scorching sun they see a shining light in the distance

To their surprise it's a genie lamp.

Desperate as they are all three rub the lamp at the same time.

A genie comes out and says: "Oh-ho! You've awaken me and as thanks I will grant 1 wish to each of you, just jump over these rocks and say what your want as you jump and a pile of what y...

It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates...

When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form.

"Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice.

"Joseph." The old man replies.

"Occupation?" Jesus drone on.

"Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues.

"C...

What would you write on the grave of a knight in shining armor?

RUST IN PEACE

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My favorite book to read on the toilet is "The Shining."

It scares the shit outta me.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

A thief broke into a house one night.

As he was shining his flashlight around looking for valuables he heard a faint voice say, "Jesus knows you're here."

The thief instantly froze but heard nothing else and continued on.

As he was rifling through a jewelry box he then heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he sh...

My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.

I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."

But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

The Theater

very popular film was being shown at the local cinema last week-end &
the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with
a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the
manager.
“I’ll never come back here again,” she complained. “I’ve just
been interfered with.”
A s...

"How much do you love me?" she asked.

I said, "Look into the sky and count the stars. That's how much I love you."

"But the sun is shining!" she said.

"There you go."

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

Two cowboys were patrolling the border between Wyoming and Utah.

Two cowboys were patrolling the border between Wyoming and Utah, one from each state. In the trail ahead they see a shining object so the cowboy from Utah jumps off his horse excitedly and picks it up. He has found a genie's lamp so he gives it a rub and the genie pops out. The genie says, "Since th...

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A commander was fighting a barbarian horde

He created a trap of flammable liquid, which set fire to the enemy cavalry, which promptly retreated towards their fort.

The commander promptly went after them with his own elite cavalry, armour shining in the evening sun.

As the burning horsemen stormed in through the gate, the guards...

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spen...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (a...

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

Husband: Honey,did Stephen King make you?

Wife: why?
Husband: cause you're shining.

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I was driving down the road when I spotted a black man walking along carrying a TV over his shoulder...

...I asked myself, "Is that mine?"

Then I realized, mine was at home shining my shoes!

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv

I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.

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A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

A guy and his girlfriend are at Lover's Leap...

...making out. All of a sudden there is a banging on the car window. He quickly rolls the window down and sees a cop standing there shining his flashlight in the car..



The cop asks, "What are you doing?"



Scared, the guy replies, "Nothing, sir!"



"well, m...

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