Suffocated Jokes

I was worried he suffered but luckily, it was instant.

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go... read more

Thankfully no one was killed, but a couple people almost suffocated on secondhand smoke.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ... read more

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be ab... read more

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick... read more

Juan asked first, "What killed you?"

"I was locked inside a fridge," Pedro said, "I was cold and trembling, then suffocated after an hour."

"That sucks man," replied Juan. "I got a heart attack and passed away."

"What happened?", asked Pedro.

"As I got... read more

and asks in a high pitch voice, is the owner of the rottweiler who was barking outside here?

A 250lb biker stands up and with a low manly voice says, yes, why do you ask?


The guy with high pitch voice replies, my Chihuahua just killed your dog!

The biker runs out with dis... read more

But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.

He suffocated halfway there

because he was not feeling well.The doctor said that it was a fever nothing else to worry about and gave him medicine.

The next day, the man went to an office tour but work was completed early so he went home without telling his wife to surprise her.

He brought chocolates and flowers w... read more

"Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin"

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho... read more

He's accidentally chops his finger off one day, inspecting a blade.

So the wife bags the finger up and takes him to the hospital. The doctor looks at it and performs micro surgery which re-attaches it like brand new.

Some weeks later the farmer somehow gets his leg chopped off. Panicki... read more

...and are trying to decide who's the most benevolent.

The first leader says "I'm going to solve poverty!" So he tosses bags of money all over the world. He lands at the airport to refuel and he sees a little girl crying outside. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks.

She respon... read more

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”

Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plast... read more

So two lumberjacks were felling trees when the axe slipped and cut off a guys hand. His buddy grabbed the hand, put it in a ziplock bag and rushed to the hospital. The next day, his buddy is back at work, hand reattached. The wonders of modern medicine!

But luck wasn't in his favor, the ex... read more

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill leans... read more

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
... read more

There were once two brothers, Ed and Tom. They owned a butcher shop together, with Tom in the front on the register and Ed in the back chopping meat.

One fine day, Ed is chopping meat in the back when he chops his finger right off. Ed screams:

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH"... read more