UPJOKE
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Dismember Jokes

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

Some people like dismembered hands.

It's just not my Thing

What do you do with a dismembered friend?

Remember them

What did the psychopath say to the dismembered immortal?

You talk too much. Stop while you're a head.

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

What do you called a dismembered nose?

Nobody knows.

It's funny how no one complains when I try to remember something?

But the second I try to DISmember something, everyone calls the cops...

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is talking with his counselors.

One of them asks, "What are your current plans?" The prince says, "I'm going to starve to death a few hundred thousand people in Yemen and dismember one journalist." The counselor asks, "Why the journalist?" "See, no one cares about the people in Yemen."

WWE is postponing their upcoming event in Saudi Arabia until December.

And they are changing the name of the event to December to Dismember.

The police were tracking down a serial killer.

The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

NPR recently started a heavy metal band.

'All Things Dismembered'

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...

He immediately unleashes a vicious roundhouse kick, decapitating a rabbi, a priest, and a Buddhist in one blow. At the next table, he beard-punches a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, killing all three. Three bouncers, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Pollack, were dismembered in seconds.

Ch...

It is the year 2066.

Scientists in the space colony on Mars are testing the feasibility of using animals to navigate the natural landscape. They decide to send a cat in a spacesuit with a radio collar and a camera to roam around.

After a day, they notice the radio collar hasn't been moving in several hours. The s...

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him.

"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"

The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men walk into an Irish bar, one of them pushing a wheelbarrow full of body parts...

When the bartender sees this the bartender exclaims "Jesus Christ, Murphy, what in God's name is that?"

Murphy replies "Don't you recognize me old pal Smitty?"

"Well what the hell happened to him?"

Murphy sighs "Well me and Smitty and Mickey here we're walking down the street ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

Another: Isaac Asimov's "Death of a Foy"

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on Earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (with a name which was pronounced -- as nearly as Earthly throats could make the sounds -- Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.


Every Foy, of course, came to voluntary de...

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