What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

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Bear and rabbit

Bear and rabbit are in woods eating berries. Bear ask the rabbit “ when you shit does it stick to your fur” Rabbit say sharply “noooo”.Bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

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A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear was grunting and groaning trying to do his business. This agitated the rabbit who did his business quietly.

After the bear was done grunting and groaning, he looked to the rabbit.

The rabbit, feeling uncomfortable, looked back at the bear and sharply asked, "what?"

The...

So close

I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this truck covered in Trump and confederate flags comes up behind me, but rather than stop, they pulled out...

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The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

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An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Convent Door (long)

The Mother Superior opens the door and the first leprechaun doffs his hat then stammers and stutters, "T-t-t-top o' the mornin' to ye, sister!"

She replies, "Top o' the mornin' to you, Seamus. What can I do for you this morning?"

"W-w-w-w-well, sister, I-I-I-I'd b-be after a-a-a-a-ski...

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"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"

The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."

He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street...

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Spot

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.


The problem develope...

A guy was taking his year end final for his course in university (remember those?)

The time is up, all of the others have handed in their tests, and this one guy keeps on writing. The professor comes over to him and says "Times up! Hand in your test." He ignores this, and keeps writing.
"If you don't hand your paper over now, I'll disqualify your test," says the professor... an...

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A young man was visiting his girlfriends parents for the first time.

As they ate dinner, he felt the need to pass gas, but he held it in quite a while. As the night wore on, he couldn't stand it, so he tried to let out just a little bit.

"Eeeep!"

The girls mother looks sharply at the dog and says "Spot!"

Twenty minutes go by, and he decid...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

A man finally gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.

Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome t...

A priest is riding on a city bus when...

A priest is riding on a city bus when a drunk gets on and sits next to him. He obviously hasn't had a bath while on this binge. The drunk starts reading a newspaper, then puts it down and says, " Hey, Father, what do you think causes arthritis?". The priest is quite annoyed with this guy, and sharp...

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Crap

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

S...

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached d...

Tips for Buying a Car

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy blonde in a tight skirt, stiletto heels, and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought ...

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck.

After putting up with nagging injuries for a couple of weeks, he decided to take the driver to court. During the trial, the driver's lawyer questioned Farmer Joe sharply, "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well I'll tell you what happened at the ac...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

The e-word

A young boy name Ivor had just entered the first grade. Around the middle of his first class, his hand shot up.

"Yes?" Said the teacher.

"Mrs. Pebbleworth," screeched the 8 year old, "Billy called me the e-word!"

"The what now?"

"The e-word!"

"What's the e-word?"<...

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A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a num...

A man runs into a crowded bar and yells “Run! Bad Bob is coming!”

Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.

Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. CRASH! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns ...

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Two strangers discussing religion

So, a woman sits beside a sharply dressed man in a flight to Tokyo.

Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.

"Well, first I’ve got a question for you", said the woman.

"Cow...

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

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Stupid Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a...

There were two whales at a bar.

The first whale says to the second (make whale noises until everyone is a little uncomfortable).

Then the second whale says back to the first (inhale sharply), "Go home Frank. You're drunk."

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The new recruit [Long]

Bob's out with the rest of his army troop on deployment out in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months, the loneliness and sexual frustration starts reeeeeeally getting to him. He even tries subtly beating off in his bunk while the rest of the room's asleep, but gets sharply hissed at from t...

Sam, Harry and Stuttering Joe

Sam, who wanted to impress his friends, bought a new Scooter motorcyle. Deciding he wanted to show off his new toy he drove to meet his friends Harry and Joe. Upon arriving at their usual hangout spot he was greeted by laughter by his two friends who thought a scooter was goofy looking and incapable...

went to confession after a long break

I was feeling depressed, and life wasn't going so well, when walking down the street I passed the church. It had been many years since I went to church, and just as long since I last went to the confessional.
Perhaps, I thought, getting right with god would help fix my life.

I went into th...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny asked his Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using ........ Pussy and Bitch.

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."

"Thanks, Mom."

He then found h...

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits ...

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

Two cowboys lean against the rail at their favorite bar...

...and rate women as they go by.

A beautiful brunette passes. The first cowboy says, "I'll give her a 3." The other cowboy nods.

Next, a hot redhead walks by. The second cowboy looks her up and down and says to the first cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4." The first cowboy no...

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There's a young farmer who really likes tractors... (Shaggy dog story)

One day when ploughing the fields he sees a notice pinned to a tree just outside his land. It read:
*The infamous travelling tractortent has arrived in town! Hundreds of tractors all inside one massive tent! Raffle for a chance to drive a shiny top-of-the-range tractor!*
He didn't have an...

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A man walks into a bar.....

A man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and looks around.
He says” If I can show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen can I get a free drink?”
Bartender replies “I don’t know, I’ve seen some pretty amazing things in my day……sure, if you can top them, free drink on me...

Jack was dying of old age...

...and he was on his death bed. suddenly a delicious smell wafted into the room, a smell Jack knew all too well. "Oh, my loving wife, she knows I am dying and she's cooking my absolute favorite, fresh chocolate chip cookies!"

Shaking badly, he rolls out of bed and lands on the floor, disloca...

An entrepreneurial blonde is looking for some extra cash

So she goes door to door asking people if they have any odd jobs they need done. Around the third house or so, a sharply dressed man answers the door. She inquires about the jobs, and the wheels in his head start turning. He's been meaning to paint the massive porch that takes up the entire rear of ...

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