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I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

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A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep...

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I ...

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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A woman is sitting alone at a bar when a man approaches her and asks her "Do you wash your pannts with Windex?"

"Uh... no. Why?"

"Because I can see myself in them".

She rolls her eyes, dismisses him and goes back to her drink. A few minutes later another man approaches her. "Do you have a map?"

"Ugh, let me guess... you're getting lost in my eyes? Sorry, heard it before." Dejected, ...

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A guy walks into a bar

He saw a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. She slinks over and leans over the bar, revealing her ample cleavage.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes...

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A father and his really ugly daughter

A really nice father who happens to be a widower and who lives alone with his only child desires to get closer to his twenty-something-daughter. Lately, however, he's been having trouble talking to her, due to her terribly depressive state; basically, his girl wants to meet a man and start a family...

A new lieutenant in the French foreign legion ...

Arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him his quarters, he asks the corporal "the base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?" The corporal replies "on Fridays, they let us use the camels" the lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few week...

A cowboy walks into a saloon

A cowboy walks into a saloon as he's passing through town. As he sits down with his drink he notices a few rough looking locals at a table staring and pointing at him and looking generally unfriendly. He finishes his drink, and not wanting any trouble he decides he'd better get back on the road ag...

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Thomas is an alcoholic...

... every night after work he swings by the bar to sneak in a round or two on his way home. One night in particular he goes a bit too heavy. He realizes this when he closes his tab and gets up to leave and immediately falls on his face. After a couple failed attempts to get up, knowing that he must ...

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So the M25, the M40 and the M1 are drinking in a bar ...

They've had quite a few jars and things are getting pretty rowdy. "Do you remember that time we beat up all those crappy little A-roads?" says the M25 "the A14 had to have engineering works for a week!"

"Yeah, and that time we rumbled with the M5 and M6, that was classic!" pipes up the M40...

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Two guys are in a bar, talking about their wives...

First one says: "So there's this problem between me and my wife, whenever I come home after a night of drinking and get in bed, my wife wakes up really pissed and sends me to the couch!"

Other guy says: "Yeah, happened to me before, but I figured that instead of trying to not make any noise,...

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