As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face:

I'm having a stroke.

There are some things you can’t say with a straight face.

...Like “I am having a stroke”

Whenever my mom sees me, she just can’t keep a straight face

Since the stroke.

A joke I heard (it sucks but I still can tell it with a straight face)

So a high schooler needs to get ready for prom, he needs a tux to look good, some flowers to impress his girl, and a limo to bring it all together.

So he goes to the tuxedo rental shop and to his surprise there is a huge line. He gets in line and waits for hours and hours. Finally he gets hi...

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Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live

PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
<...

I was gonna tell a 'hetero' joke for the last day of pride month....

But I couldn't keep a straight face.

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My Service Dog

Just left Walmart where a lady asked me what kind of dog i had. I said a GSD service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she has her face in my dog's face allowing him to lick her......Now with a straight face I said "He is my butt licking ...

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

"I had to keep a straight face."

-my bi friend who's in the closet.

A young man walks into a convience store

He walks to a man in his mid-fifties behind the cash register, placing a crinkled twenty dollar bill on the counter.

The young man asks for change with single bills. The old man chuckles and asks "going to the strip club sonny?"

The young man nods, reaching into his pocket for his wall...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

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I saw this joke and thought it was funny

Gay people either have to laugh at your jokes or have a straight face.

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

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Joe Shitface

Joe Shitface wasn't too happy with his name. All the people around him teased him about it. He couldn't even get a wife because of it. So Joe went to see a judge to have it changed. "Your honor, I can't live like this, I need to change my name". The judge looks at Joe puzzled and asks, "What is your...

Why "almost milk" is called "almond milk"?..........

because nobody can keep a straight face while saying "nut juice".

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So I work at a horse farm and somehow one day at dinner we got on the topic of how big one of the mules dick is.

My father looks me dead in the eye and with a straight face says that’s why your mother calls me an ass all the time

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich...

So a man walks into a bar with an ostrich, and walks up to the counter. “I’ll have a dry martini.” He says. The ostrich said “I’ll have the same.”
They drank their drinks and when it came time to pay, the man puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out exact cash and change for the waitress. She ...

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Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face


Btw I'm not trying to target homos

My parents thought I was joking when I came out to them.

I could not say it with a straight face.

Stalin tells a joke

Stalin decided to tell a joke one day. He gathered his faithful people to the red square and proclaimed that He would now tell a glorious joke. HIS people were curious and said:”well comrade Stalin what is it?”. Stalin, with a straight face said: “Food”. The people were puzzled and said: “Comrade St...

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My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

Why do they call him Lord Vader?

Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.

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Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.


A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.

'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.

"This is magic ...

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

What's the hardest part about a priest and an altar boy doing their ceremony?

Keeping a straight face.

Play golf?

(True story)

Many years ago, I was on a job interview. The guy interviewing me was a big golf lover, and had golf stuff all over his office. He noticed me noticing it and asked if play golf.

Somehow, I came up with the perfect answer. With a [mostly] straight face, I replied, "No, but ...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

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An elderly couple are lying in bed on the night before Thanksgiving...

....and, as per usual, the husband lets out a huge fart. The wife says to him, as she always does, "Hunny, one of these nights you're going to fart your innards out." A few minutes later the husband falls asleep but, due to his constant farting, the wife cannot. She tosses and turns and ends up gett...

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Gay people find everything hilarious

They just don't seem to be able to keep a straight face

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

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A man is walking past a bar when he sees a sign for a challenge to win a free car

He goes inside the bar and asks the bartender what the challenge is to win the free car.

The bartender lays out the challenge. "First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey without making a single face. Second, there is an alligator in the back room with a sore tooth, remove it. Thir...

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff...

...they all die and go to Heaven. As they were approaching the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter comes out to greet them:
"My dear sisters, welcome to Heaven”, said the apostle. The nuns were thrilled to meet him, but he proceeded without delay: “Please form a line while I go back inside to get somethin...

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A guy walks into a bar...

and takes a seat next to a huge jar filled with 5 and 10 dollar bills. The guy asks the bartender what the money is for. The bartender tells the man that he has three tasks and if he does them all he gets the money. The guy asks what the first task is and the bartender pulls out a bottle of Tabasco ...

There was once an ambitious prince...

Born the youngest out of 4 brothers.

There was a heated discussion when all four princes were at an appropriate age for being candidates to the throne. But alas, how unfair fate is as our little prince was bested by his brothers.

At an early age he found himself planting seeds of envy ...

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Alf and Doris have been married for 50 years

Every morning throughout those 50 years Alf has woken himself and Doris up by doing the worlds biggest fart. The violent and clockwork nature of Alf’s farting seemed to be an inhuman ability and Doris constantly warned Alf that one day he would fart his guts right out into his shorts.
&nbsp;...

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I thought this was relevant considering my username... Pretty funny joke :)

Guy walks in a bar, sits and gets a beer. He sees a jar filled with 5$ behind the bar. The barman explains the client needs to put 5$ in the jar to know what it's about. The client pays up, the bartender explains the client will get all the money if he can do 3 things successfully. 1-Drink a shot of...

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So my girlfriend takes me out to this bar the other night...

... and as we're sitting there, she goes up to the bartender and whispers something in his ear.

"What did you tell him?" I ask her.

"Oh," she says. "I asked him to make you this amazing drink. You have to try it."

So we go to the bar and the bartender puts a shot of Baileys, som...

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To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

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A teacher is taking roll call on the first day of class...

A teacher is taking roll call on the first day of class. She has the young students line up outside the classroom single file, and instructs them to enter the classroom one by one and state their name before taking their seat.

The first student enters, and says very plainly, "Booger Nose."...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink and looks to the end of the bar to find a giant glass vase filled with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "What is that big vase of hundreds for?" "Oh that's for our challenge, but nobody can complete it." replies the bar keep. Naturally, the man is curious ...

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Three guys are lost in a jungle

They run into a group of cannibals and out of fear, ask if there is anything they can do to avoid getting eaten. The leader of the cannibal group says, "Bring us back 10 pieces of a certain type of fruit. If you do, we will not only let you live, but tell you how to get out of the jungle and to safe...

So my 5yo kid is mad at the world this evening and he comes up with this masterpiece:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: Nothing.

Me: (struggling to maintain a straight face) Nothing who?

Him: Don't. Say. Anything.

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