UPJOKE

Stop Drinking Jokes

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

My wife told me I should stop drinking wood alcohol.

But I don't see the problem.

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking

just in case I start seeing two of you...

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Molly gets Paddy to stop drinking

Paddy was a terrible drunkard, and Molly had just about had her fill. One day when Paddy was passed out, Molly asked the doctor if he could say something to make him stop drinking. So when Paddy woke up, the doctor said "now Paddy, if you keep drinking like this, your guts are going to fall out an...

Time to stop drinking

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of less. "What's 'less'?" the bartender asks. "I don't know exactly," the guy replies. "But my doctor says I have to start drinking it."

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.

It's going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

I had to stop drinking gin when I became a vegan.

I'm not a Beefeater.

Everyday I keep telling myself: “Chris, you have to stop drinking, it’s becoming a serious problem ”

Thank god my names not Chris

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?

It was making him Moody

Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking, I’ll go into a seizure and die

Oooh I’m shaking

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

After this Covid Pandemic I told myself I really need to stop drinking..

But I dont take advice from a drunk.

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The doctor told me to stop drinking, smoking and having sex

I asked him if it would make me live longer and he said: no, but the time will feel longer.

What did the doctor say to the guy who couldn't seem to stop drinking his own pee?

Urine addict

Everyday I say to myself: Jack you need to stop drinking.

Luckily my name is not jack.

I have decided to stop drinking beer for good.

Now I drink for evil. Bwahahaha.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer

Cause I'm not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

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A teetotaling woman walks into a bar dead set on getting people to stop drinking. She sits next to an older gentleman drinking a beer.

The woman asks, "Excuse me, how many beers do you drink per day?"

"Usually about three."

"And how much do you pay for a beer?"

"Including tip? About $5 per beer."

"How long have you been drinking beer?"

"Oh, about twenty years, I guess."

"So, at three beers ...

Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

They wanted to be Soba...

I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

Every weekend I tell myself, John, you should stop drinking...

Luckily I'm not John.

My doctor told me I need to stop drinking

so he could put the thermometer in my mouth

My wife just told me she's leaving me if I don't stop drinking

I told her " Come on honey just one more drink, and I will help you pack!

A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight

figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

What do you call a a moose who can't stop drinking?

An elkoholic

Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles?

because Happy Hour ended.

My doctor just told me, “If you don’t stop drinking and smoking pot, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat.”

It is the best day of my life.

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[NSFW] A woman goes to a doctor

W: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Dr: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

W: So Doc, what'...

An Old Man Goes In for a Physical...

The doctor concludes his examination and asks the patient if he drinks alcohol.

"I usually have a mimosa in the morning, a glass of wine with dinner, and a can of beer or two before bed."

"Well," says the doctor. "At your age the best thing would be for you to stop drinking entirely."<...

Yesterday my doctor told me, "if you don´t stop drinking, you´ll die." I asked him why.

"Because thats my beer."

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

A man is running late to an interview and is waiting for a taxi outside of his apartment complex.

If he nails the interview it can land him a very high paying job that can change his life.With no taxi in sight the man starts to get desperate. He looks up and says "God please please help me get a taxi. I know I haven't been an exemplary human but please I need this break at this point in my life....

How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?

Tell them you’ve got a joke: “How do you know when it’s time to stop drinking”? If they say “I don’t know”, then they’re an alcoholic.

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There was an alcoholic man in a village

So he seeked help from the village's only doctor.
-"Tell me about your problem", said the doc.
-"I just can't stop drinking and nothing can help me, I am an alcoholic", said helplessly the man.
- "I will fix that!", said the doc and started fucking the alcoholic in the ass.
After it was ...

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Three old men met for breakfast

As they ate the subject of health came up. One man said "I don't know what's going on with my system now but I'm up at least a dozen times a night to pee! Even if I stop drinking HOURS before I try to sleep!"

The number two man said "Well, beats the opposite. I swear, some days I'm stuck sit...

Before going to a party, my dad gave me some advice.

"Son," he said, "I want you to stop drinking at midnight. OK?"

"OK." I sighed, closing the front door.

I came back home at 3:15am, opened the front door, and he was waiting for me on the sofa.

"Alright there, daddy!" I shouted.

"*Daddy*?" he frowned. "You're drunk as a sk...

I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was: "Too drunk."

"Stop drinking on the job, then," I slurred.

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