I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

My doctor smokes a pack-a-day, but he had the nerve to tell me I have to stop smoking.

I guess he took the hippocritic oath when he became a doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

How do you make your girlfriend stop smoking?

Go slower and use lube

I decided to stop smoking cold turkey...

...and put it on my sandwiches instead.

My wife told me that sheโ€™s done talking to me until I stop smoking a pack a day.

So far Iโ€™m up to 2 packs a day and getting along peacefully better than ever with her.

Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle?

Because the steaks were too high...

My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately.

What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

[Long] Foolproof way to stop kids from smoking pot.

Tommy, Jim and Phillip all get caught smoking weed. They get offered a choice, either educate high school kids about the harmful effects of smoking weed or go to jail. In order to fulfill this promise they have to get at least 10 signed statements from kids at the schools they are assigned to that t...

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Joke from my country, hope it translates well

A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"We...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls...

That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retr...

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

A old man and his wife get into a car accident...

They both end up dying and going up to heaven. The man looks around and astounded at how beautiful it is up there. The weather is perfect and he can see that all of his friends are about to go play golf, one of his favorite pastimes. It's everything he could imagine and more.

A man in a white...

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