UPJOKE
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Stop Smoking Jokes

Why did the cows stop smoking weed

Because it got to the point where the steaks were too high !

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

Do you think my neighbour will ever stop smoking?

I doused the flames hours ago.

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

How do you make your girlfriend stop smoking?

Go slower and use lube

I decided to stop smoking cold turkey...

...and put it on my sandwiches instead.

My doctor smokes a pack-a-day, but he had the nerve to tell me I have to stop smoking.

I guess he took the hippocritic oath when he became a doctor.

My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately.

What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

My wife told me that she’s done talking to me until I stop smoking a pack a day.

So far I’m up to 2 packs a day and getting along peacefully better than ever with her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Foolproof way to stop kids from smoking pot.

Tommy, Jim and Phillip all get caught smoking weed. They get offered a choice, either educate high school kids about the harmful effects of smoking weed or go to jail. In order to fulfill this promise they have to get at least 10 signed statements from kids at the schools they are assigned to that t...

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Joke from my country, hope it translates well

A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls...

That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retr...

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