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Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.

Poor guy.

What do you call being stoned, naked and stabbed?

A bargain. The best I ever had.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

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they say the guy who fucked up SEPtember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember as the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th month should get stabbed.

*have i got news for you*

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

A cowboy rides into a small town, hunting a notorious outlaw.

In an effort to figure out where the outlaw might be taking shelter for the night, the cowboy asks the opinion of the local saloon keeper.


The saloon keep says:

"Well, if he's riding northwest I'd put my money on him passing by Gutstab Gulch and-"


"Hold on now, Gut Stab ...

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

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Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Did you hear about the guy who got stabbed over a Rolex?

It was for the watch

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

Oh no! A robber broke into my house and stabbed me!

But that's ok cus I'm in the living room.

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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

Hear about the golfer who stabbed a Mexican?

It was a hole in Juan.

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

My wife called me at work and asked "Do you ever feel a piercing pain across your body as if someone just stabbed a Voodoo doll of you?" Concerned i replied "No".

"How about now?" she asked.

So Keanu Reeves just stabbed someone in the throat in John Wick...

Gasping for air and dying his victims says two last words. "You're breathtaking"

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand with a meat thermometer...

I looked at the dial and it said well done, turkey.

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

Some guy got stabbed in a motel near me last week.

I guess you could call it a bled and breakfast.

My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.

Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!

^(Based on a true story)

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

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LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass...

LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass with a knitting needle tonight.

The motive is unclear, but they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern...

My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today...

It drew blood

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

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What did the Alabama Sheriff say about the black man that was stabbed seventy times?

Worse case of suicide he's ever seen

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I started therapy the other day

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.

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