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Stabbed Jokes

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

Did you hear about the celebrity who got stabbed her name is Reece something

Witherspoon?

No with a knife

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of...

Did you hear about the swordfight where one guy was stabbed through the heart while the other had their legs cut off near the ankles?

They were both defeeted

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Getting stabbed.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

What do you call someone who's been stabbed 3 times?

An ambulance

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?

It was, uh, Reese...

Witherspoon?

No man, it was with her knife!

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A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

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Just came home and caught my mate shagging my wife, so I stabbed him

My wife said "you carry on like that and you will have no mates left."

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

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What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

Oh no! A robber broke into my house and stabbed me!

But that's ok cus I'm in the living room.

Did you hear Kit Harrington was stabbed while being mugged?

For the watch.

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

I played Oregon trail and made fun of a guy named Terry. He stabbed me...

I died of Dissin'-Terry

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I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

When Jesus was stabbed on the cross

He became even more holey

My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today...

It drew blood

You hear about the guy who got stabbed at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show?

Doctors say he’ll make a full recovery, but the wound will definitely leave a ska

Breaking News:- Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter'

...who stabbed six people recently, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

John Wick stabbed a guy in the shoulder.

He was left with a bad shoulder blade.

I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

Some guy got stabbed in a motel near me last week.

I guess you could call it a bled and breakfast.

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

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