This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

Why did the old car have squeaky joints?

It had carthritis.

Why are working conditions at the Tyre shop so poor?

Because the squeaky wheel gets replaced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kindergarten has a class pet, a mouse named Mister Squeaky

Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a serial porn addict and a Christian body builder have in common?

Muscly forearms and a squeaky clean search history

A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."

I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."

The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."

"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were laying in bed

The old man farted and the old lady yelled, "What was that?!" "We're playing football, I just scored six points!" ,yells the man. The old lady won't let him win so she out lets a squeaky teaser. "Six points," says she, "the game is tied." ...and goes back to her knitting. Well, the old m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poop is walking down the street

Poop is walking down the street, blood boiling, ready to beat up Pee, when he meets Shit.

"Where you going?" Shit asks him

"To beat up Pee" he replies

"Can i come?"

"Sure"

So Poop and Shit are both walking down the street to Pee's house, ready to beat him up, when ...

A big muscular man walks in a bar...

and says to the bartender, "let me have a beer" in a squeaky girly voice.

The entire bar roars in laughter and embarrassed man leaves.

He returns the next day, orders a beer again in a high pitched voice and everyone starts laughing. He asks the bartender why everyone's laughing.
...

Man who washes with dog toy

becomes squeaky clean

If a cat catches all the mice on your property...

does that make it squeaky clean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a half empty bar and says to the bartender “If I show you something amazing will you give me a free drink?”

“You know bud,” the world-weary bartender says, “I’ve been in this business for a long, long time and it will take something pretty freaking special to impress me but ...

How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping?

An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.