Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

Did you see Trump's latest tweet?

Neither did I

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s been alleged that I’ve written a series of tweets about the song “I’m Too Sexy”.

I’d like to reassure my followers that I did not write said thread...

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

What happened when the sparrow flew into the electric fan ?

Shredded tweet.

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

Tweet: "There are flat earthers all around the globe"

Posted by: Flat Earth Society.

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

Why are there so many typos in Trumps tweets?

Because he’s Russian.

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

A man goes to his doctor complaining “My tweets on Twitter aren’t popular!”

Then the doc said, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's OK, he's just a little racist.

Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets.

Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader?

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to live like a mountain bluebird

But the way it tweets annoys me so much

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...

...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too

We went out on a date

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

I tweeted a joke about a bombing, and a few hours later a bombing happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren’t friendly.

I guess my joke was too soon.

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

Roses are red, sugar is sweet,

A huge controversy starts
just with a tweet

Why are George R R Martin's tweets always so short?

He killed off most of his characters.

What did Jaden Smith tweet after math class?

"How can math be real if our "i"s aren't real?"

How childish are Trump's tweets?

Let's just say Roy Moore would date them.

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?

"Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Trump tweet so much?

Because it's hard to talk with Putin's dick in your mouth.

Russian activist heavily beaten by Putin's militia

He was refusing to drink his tea

Credit - Spinoza tweet

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tweets

What's the difference between a tweet and a twat?

One makes the other.

Trump writing a thanksgiving tweet

I love the people of Turkey!``


Related: https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/728297587418247168

Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says "ri...

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazis were invading America...

The Nazis were invading America and people were panicking. As the troops approached a small American town, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde ran to hide. They came upon three trees and each climbed up a tree to hide.

The Nazis approached the first tree and kicked it, “what’s in this tree?” t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

[Long] Once 5 people were on a plane...

1. Kanye West,
2. Bill Gates,
3. Donald Trump,
4. Joe Biden,
5. and a school girl

Suddenly the plane developed a technical snag and only 4 parachutes were available.

Kanye says, "I am world's greatest talent. I must live." He takes a parachute and jumps.

Gates say...

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

A 19-year-old teen had to be admitted after he became addicted to social media.

He’s currently being tweeted in hospital.

An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."

--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

A cop pulls me over.... again

Cop: Do you know why I'm following you?

Guy: Because you thought my tweets were funny?

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

When birds get married, who do they marry?

Their tweet-hearts.

BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.



Credits:Someones Tweet

A charity puts out an appeal for medical supplies...

The charity, Concern put out an appeal for medical supplies.

Unfortunately nobody at all came forward.

The charity remained surprisingly upbeat about it, later tweeting:
There is no gauze for Concern.

Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate disappointing people in general. So instead of telling my boss I’m gonna quit...

I’ve been tweeting homophobic and racist epithets for 8 months now, but sadly I’m still here.

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick used be visible from the Space Station

But NASA told me to stop tweeting dick pics at its astronauts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who doesn't know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...

...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.

You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice

When I find my tweets are causing trouble

Mother Russia comforts me

Tweeting words of wisdom

Covfefe

What do you call a 2 hour old Reddit post?

A tweet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmers wife tells him...

"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

He returns with 12 loaves of bread.



@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?"

The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior."

Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up.

"Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see a...

They don't trust the robots, they say you can't trust a machine.

I wonder how long it will take for them to stop tweeting about it.

The president of U.S, Russia, and Mexico are on a plane going to a meeting in the U.N.

The president of U.S, Russia, and Mexico are on a plane going to a meeting in the U.N. They have all brought a crate of their finest spirits to give as gifts. Suddenly the pilot calls out that the plane is too heavy and is going down unless they lose some cargo.

The Russian president takes a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone
4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christma...

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar?

Demerara


Source: [This tweet](https://twitter.com/OFalafel/status/428595146905886720) by [@OFalafel on Twitter](https://twitter.com/OFalafel).

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