What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM?

Because it’s 10am in Moscow during business hours.

Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets.

Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

What did Donald Trump tweet after hearing there was a rumor going around that he hung himself?

FAKE NOOSE!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's OK, he's just a little racist.

Why are George R R Martin's tweets always so short?

He killed off most of his characters.

A man goes to his doctor complaining “My tweets on Twitter aren’t popular!”

Then the doc said, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

Why are there so many typos in Trumps tweets?

Because he’s Russian.

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

How childish are Trump's tweets?

Let's just say Roy Moore would date them.

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazis were invading America...

The Nazis were invading America and people were panicking. As the troops approached a small American town, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde ran to hide. They came upon three trees and each climbed up a tree to hide.

The Nazis approached the first tree and kicked it, “what’s in this tree?” t...

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.

He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

What did Jaden Smith tweet after math class?

"How can math be real if our "i"s aren't real?"

Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Trump tweet so much?

Because it's hard to talk with Putin's dick in your mouth.

Trump writing a thanksgiving tweet

I love the people of Turkey!``


Related: https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/728297587418247168

Trump's first tweet on his first day as president.

Just visited Area 51. Aliens are real! Government has been lying for too long. Very bad!

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

A cop pulls me over.... again

Cop: Do you know why I'm following you?

Guy: Because you thought my tweets were funny?

Why did the bird go to the restaurant?

Tweet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tweets

What's the difference between a tweet and a twat?

One makes the other.

Catholic Cardinals are...

birds of pray, and the way they tweet little boys is sick, an ill Eagle. If I ever catch one robin the dignity of another child, I’ll be a single crow because there will he attempted murder.

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."

--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.



Credits:Someones Tweet

[Long] Once 5 people were on a plane...

1. Kanye West,
2. Bill Gates,
3. Donald Trump,
4. Joe Biden,
5. and a school girl

Suddenly the plane developed a technical snag and only 4 parachutes were available.

Kanye says, "I am world's greatest talent. I must live." He takes a parachute and jumps.

Gates say...

When birds get married, who do they marry?

Their tweet-hearts.

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who doesn't know Dave?

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice

When I find my tweets are causing trouble

Mother Russia comforts me

Tweeting words of wisdom

Covfefe

What’s Trump’s favorite thing to do on Halloween?

Trick and Tweet.

What do you call a 2 hour old Reddit post?

A tweet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?"

The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior."

Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up.

"Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see a...

Trump is like a bird with Tourettes

He can't control his Tweets

The birds fighting outside remind me of Donald Trump...

No matter how angry they get, the most they can muster is angry sounding tweets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone
4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christma...

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

For every Trump action...

There is a relevant Trump old tweet reaction.

Someone should switch Trump's carrier to Sprint...

Can't tweet with terrible covfefe

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau run a 100-meter race...

Trudeau easily overtakes Trump and wins.

Minutes later, the White House tweets a press note:

"President Trump won prestigious silver in US-Canada race. The Canadian showed up second-to-last."

The Weiner

There once was a Congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill.

Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.



Moral: tweet your meat, lose your seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A birdwatcher and his friend were walking through Central Park.

A bird tweets and the birdwatcher identifies it and then turns to a tree and says, 'There it is.'
His friend says, 'That's amazing. How did you hear that over the noise of all these people around us?'
The birdwatcher says, 'It's all in what you want to hear. Watch.'

He whispers, ...

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar?

Demerara


Source: [This tweet](https://twitter.com/OFalafel/status/428595146905886720) by [@OFalafel on Twitter](https://twitter.com/OFalafel).

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says............

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still...

What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment.

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