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Tweet Jokes

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

What do you call a religious Tweet?

Xcommunicated.

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

Did you see Trump's latest tweet?

Neither did I

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

You can use Twitter to keep up to date with Ross Kemp but you might not enjoy other people’s tweets afterwards because…

It’s a hard actor follow

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

Tweet: "There are flat earthers all around the globe"

Posted by: Flat Earth Society.

I know the Vatican doesn't like modern technology, but when they elect a Pope, why don't they do more tweets?

They are Cardinals, after all.

My parrot was looking a bit sick, so I took him to the veterinarian.

The vet told me he had a Canarial disease.


It's called Chirpees.


He told me not to worry too much, as it's tweetable.

Why are there so many typos in Trumps tweets?

Because he’s Russian.

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

What did Jaden Smith tweet after math class?

"How can math be real if our "i"s aren't real?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tweets

What's the difference between a tweet and a twat?

One makes the other.

What do you give a Budgie with a headache?

Parakeet-amol.



It's the preferred tweet-ment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's OK, he's just a little racist.

What did a Tom Felton fan reply to his tweet saying that he was about to go to sleep in his bed?

"Do you mind if I Slytherin?"

How childish are Trump's tweets?

Let's just say Roy Moore would date them.

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

Why are George R R Martin's tweets always so short?

He killed off most of his characters.

How does Elon Musk’s wife call him to dinner?

“Elon, time tweet!”

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

Me: Ah, listen to those birds tweeting - it's so lovely to share our home with all of nature

Also me: Die you bloody ants, die - how dare you try to invade our private living space!

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...

...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too

James Caan shared this one in his famous Twitter fashion

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

I tweeted a joke about a bombing, and a few hours later a bombing happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren’t friendly.

I guess my joke was too soon.

What happened when the sparrow flew into the electric fan ?

Shredded tweet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets.

Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader?

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazis were invading America...

The Nazis were invading America and people were panicking. As the troops approached a small American town, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde ran to hide. They came upon three trees and each climbed up a tree to hide.

The Nazis approached the first tree and kicked it, “what’s in this tree?” t...

We went out on a date

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

Russian activist heavily beaten by Putin's militia

He was refusing to drink his tea

Credit - Spinoza tweet

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?"

The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior."

Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up.

"Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see a...

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got woken up at half-past four this morning again, by this bird on my windowsill.

I've decided to name it Donald.


Never stops fucking tweeting.

When birds get married, who do they marry?

Their tweet-hearts.

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."

--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...

...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.

Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says "ri...

How do you know when a moron has contracted the Coronavirus?

When he stopped tweeting and went to Walter Reed.

You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice

When I find my tweets are causing trouble

Mother Russia comforts me

Tweeting words of wisdom

Covfefe

[Possibly not Recycled] A man stands at the edge of a pier...

...working up the nerve to throw himself into the water and end it all. A beat cop walking by sees him and lets out a loud tweet on his whistle.

"Hey buddy, what'dya think you're doing?"

"I've had it! I'm done with this life! I'm going to drown myself, here and now!"

"Now hold o...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

What do you call a 2 hour old Reddit post?

A tweet

A 19-year-old teen had to be admitted after he became addicted to social media.

He’s currently being tweeted in hospital.

BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.



Credits:Someones Tweet

Catholic Cardinals are...

birds of pray, and the way they tweet little boys is sick, an ill Eagle. If I ever catch one robin the dignity of another child, I’ll be a single crow because there will he attempted murder.

Two birds, who at once are stoned.

You wouldn't believe the things they're tweeting when they're high!

A double pun

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar?

Demerara


Source: [This tweet](https://twitter.com/OFalafel/status/428595146905886720) by [@OFalafel on Twitter](https://twitter.com/OFalafel).

For every Trump action...

There is a relevant Trump old tweet reaction.

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