Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM?

Because it’s 10am in Moscow during business hours.

Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets.

Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader?

A man goes to his doctor complaining “My tweets on Twitter aren’t popular!”

Then the doc said, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

Why are there so many typos in Trumps tweets?

Because he’s Russian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's OK, he's just a little racist.

Why are George R R Martin's tweets always so short?

He killed off most of his characters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

What did Donald Trump tweet after hearing there was a rumor going around that he hung himself?

FAKE NOOSE!

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.

He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

How childish are Trump's tweets?

Let's just say Roy Moore would date them.

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

What did Jaden Smith tweet after math class?

"How can math be real if our "i"s aren't real?"

An ornithologist reminisces about his past and says,

"I have many egrets."

--
Note: this was an old tweet of mine I changed into my first original joke!

What did Plaxico Burress say when he read Colin Kaepernick's Tweets?

"Man, this guy just keeps shooting himself in the foot".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

Jimmy Kimmel should have Floyd Mayweather read mean tweets after the fight

Oh wait

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

Why did the bird go to the restaurant?

Tweet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tweets

What's the difference between a tweet and a twat?

One makes the other.

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

BLACK SUPERMAN

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.

​

Credits:Someones Tweet

Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?

[Long] Once 5 people were on a plane...

1. Kanye West,
2. Bill Gates,
3. Donald Trump,
4. Joe Biden,
5. and a school girl

Suddenly the plane developed a technical snag and only 4 parachutes were available.

Kanye says, "I am world's greatest talent. I must live." He takes a parachute and jumps.

Gates say...

When birds get married, who do they marry?

Their tweet-hearts.

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

What do you call a 2 hour old Reddit post?

A tweet

A Spic, a Mick, and a Chick walk into a bar.

The Spic says, "Une tequila por favor."
The bar tender gives it to him.
The Mick says "Ah'll 'ave a pint o' Guinness."
The Chick says "Tweet tweet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

You have to read this in Paul McCartney's voice

When I find my tweets are causing trouble

Mother Russia comforts me

Tweeting words of wisdom

Covfefe

The president of U.S, Russia, and Mexico are on a plane going to a meeting in the U.N.

The president of U.S, Russia, and Mexico are on a plane going to a meeting in the U.N. They have all brought a crate of their finest spirits to give as gifts. Suddenly the pilot calls out that the plane is too heavy and is going down unless they lose some cargo.

The Russian president takes a...

Trump is like a bird with Tourettes

He can't control his Tweets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?"

The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior."

Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up.

"Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see a...

The birds fighting outside remind me of Donald Trump...

No matter how angry they get, the most they can muster is angry sounding tweets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone
4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christma...

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

For every Trump action...

There is a relevant Trump old tweet reaction.

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau run a 100-meter race...

Trudeau easily overtakes Trump and wins.

Minutes later, the White House tweets a press note:

"President Trump won prestigious silver in US-Canada race. The Canadian showed up second-to-last."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the road too long.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my fines...

The Weiner

There once was a Congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill.

Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.



Moral: tweet your meat, lose your seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A birdwatcher and his friend were walking through Central Park.

A bird tweets and the birdwatcher identifies it and then turns to a tree and says, 'There it is.'
His friend says, 'That's amazing. How did you hear that over the noise of all these people around us?'
The birdwatcher says, 'It's all in what you want to hear. Watch.'

He whispers, ...

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar?

Demerara


Source: [This tweet](https://twitter.com/OFalafel/status/428595146905886720) by [@OFalafel on Twitter](https://twitter.com/OFalafel).

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says............

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still...

What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment.

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