UPJOKE
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Twitch Jokes

What is similar about a twitch mod and an a reddit mod?

<message deleted>
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I made a bomb today with the help of my Twitch viewers!

"Wow this really blew up! Thanks guys!"
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Why can't house flies stream on twitch?

Because they would immediately get swatted.
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If grass is to cows what fish is to cats, then what are donations to twitch cam girls?

Food for thot.
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What do you call it when two persons with eyelid twitches meet?

A wink-wink-situation.
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When was the last time the Twitch Streamer got laid?

About a Fortnite ago.
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How does Twitch (Streaming Site) Chat make money?

Kappatalism!
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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

After creating the Nile, God became the first self promoter on twitch.

"Check out my stream!"
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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.
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Why are you always watching other people play video games on Twitch son? Sounds boring.

Anyway, gotta catch the football game on TV.
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How do you recognize a (former) pornstar on twitch?

They are clothed.

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A french twitch streamer shoves an egg up his cat's butt

Can I get un oeuf in chat, please?

How does a Twitch streamer prepare for a convention?

He pax
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Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...
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A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv?

Because in space, no one can hear you stream.
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Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen...
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What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? B...

Why did the tf2 engineer keep twitching?

Because he had turrets
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What does Twitch TV send when someone dies?

.
.
.
.
Thots and players
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A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...
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What concert costs just 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

(heard on a Twitch stream today)
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Ther was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row...

and their time was up.

In a new, enlightened program, the warden gave them a choice of three ways to die.

- To be shot

- To be hanged

- To be injected with the AIDS virus.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)

Th...
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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

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Steve goes to his doctor...

Steve goes to his doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician, "You take some pills, and your problems are history." ...

3 moles were shuffling down a tunnel, when the first one says

"hmmm, I smell honey!"

The second one twitches his nose and says "mmm I'm not sure sure.. It smells more like sugar to me!"

The third mole wrinkles his nose... "nope, it's definitely molasses!"
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Two women talking about sex...

Does your cunt twitch after sex?

No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

A man is sitting in a bar alone...

...after a few beers he needs to visit the restroom.

The restroom is empty except for one man by the urinal (one of those big stainless steel urinals without stalls).

The man walks over to the urinal and starts unzipping his pants.

He glances over at the other man and notices th...
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How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch
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A Man walks into a Bank

He's sweating profusely and looks exhausted

He gets in line and after several minutes is even worse for wear. Sweating, Twitching and Scratching

He finally gets up to the teller and begins talking in a broken, mumbling voice.

The branch manager walks over to check on him and ask...
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What’s all the fuss about Twitch streaming?

Like, comment, subscribe and I’ll tell you
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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

What do you call a voodoo live stream?

Twitch-craft.
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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

Patient's last words

A seriously ill patient is lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask,

Plug the tube. Suddenly, the patient began to twitch and his mouth was squirming. There seems to be something to say. Upon seeing this, the pastor standing nearby bent down and asked softly Said: "Do you want to say somet...
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A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...
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3 jokes instead of 3 layers of cake. Let's go!

What is at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where are all average things made?
The Satisfactory

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly Squats

Enjoy!
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A guy walks into his therapist's office

visibly distraught, nervously shaking and exclaims "I'm a wigwam!" his head tweaks a little, eyes twitch and says "I'm a tepee". Another head twitch "I'm a wigwam!! I'm a tepee!" *twitch* "I'm a wigwam!" ... "I'm a tepee"!

The therapist grabs him firmly by the shoulders and says "Calm down! C...

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Quickie

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I want to have sex with you right now!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggle...

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

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The Dead Rabbit

A while back I was driving across the countryside on my home. I saw a sudden flash of brown from the side of the road and felt something hit the car. I pulled over and saw I had hit rabbit. It's little whiskers were twitching, and I could tell he wasn't going to make it. I was trying to think how to...

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Did you hear about the woman in a coma?

Day 1. So there's a woman in hospital in a coma, the nurse is giving her the daily flannel wash. She cleans the lady down as per usual until she got to her lady parts, she notices the woman's finger twitch as she cleans.

Day 2. The nurse is giving the lady in coma her wash again when a simila...

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Ladies Night Out

3 women were discussing how they each loved a "Well Hung" man, but were amazed at how different their method was for finding one.

The first woman said she knew if a man was confident and secure he definitely was packing a Big Rigg.

The second woman said she liked men that wore tight pa...

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Bubble Butt

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast."
The doctor replies, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later, she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was."
But the doct...

A tiger can jump higher than a three story building.

Tigers have fast twitch muscles in their backs and legs, and buildings cannot jump.
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I hate when people make fun of people with epilepsy

It makes me so mad I shake and twitch with anger
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[OC] One day I went waterfowl hunting...

As I sat still in my boat, I quietly scanned the area. I heard a rustling in the bushes along the shore. As I looked over to where I heard the noise, I saw two beautiful Mallards step out of from the cover of the shrubbery. As they were walking they stopped briefly and started pooping. I knew this w...

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Younger brother saw his older brother masturbating.

He doesn't have knowledge about masturbation, big brother is about to reach climax and is now twitching his eyes from the pleasure. He immediately run to his mother and said "Mom, big brother is committing suicide!", the mother ask how come, and said "He is crushing his balls!".

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...
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A man discovers he has a talent...

A guy discovered one day that if he twitched his left ear he would ejaculate, and if he twitched his right he would pee.

Doctors describe his situation as "easy come, easy go".

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...
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Raisin bread

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and ...
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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

What do you call a fat computer?

A Dell.



--
Credit where credits due. Got this off of some dude's donation on Summ1t's twitch stream:P
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A steed was having sex with a fox

The steed was pumping and carassing, neighing and kissing yet 45 minutes in the fox was still laying there, not moving an inch.

Fed up with the lack of respobse the horse sneers and says: i do all the work and all you do is lay there. Do something so I know you're enjoying it too.

The ...

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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We s...

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An Old couple is having sex..

Right in the middle of it, as the old woman is moaning and twitching, the old man stops suddenly and remains motionless for a good 20 seconds. Then he continues from where left off.

Another minute later, he does the same thing. This goes on for a few more times, till finally the old woman h...

Things you don't want to hear while undergoing an operation

* Did he say the right or left leg?

* I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school.

* Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog!

* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

* Oh no! I just lost my watch.

* Argh! There go the...
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A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his ...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...
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Man sits down for dinner with his kids...

he turns to his first born son and asks him to pass the salt. His first born says "Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay."

The Father's face turns red and his eye starts twitching. He takes a deep breath, exhales and says "Ok son, I respect your life choice."

He then turns to his ...

The rabbit

A man was driving on a back country road as he usually did coming home from work. The February weather was quite cold, but in the distance he saw a car on the side of the road. As he got closer he noticed a woman, however she didn't look hurt, and the car was parked nicely. Puzzled why she was outsi...
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[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...
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The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...
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(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...
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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

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2 men are lost in the desert...

They were arguing in the desert heat over who was responsible when they pondered across a lamp. "Hey, maybe its a genie lamp that will grant us wishes! Quick, try rubbing it!" *the first man rubs the lamp and a magical genie appears*

Genie: Thank you for releasing me! I will grant each of yo...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...
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