The 45+ Best Shoved Jokes

I shoved a woman at the bank I work at

She asked me to check her balance

My wife just shoved a key lime pie in my face and stormed out of the house!

I've been desserted!

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

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Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum…

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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Some say the best part of having kinky sex with a German girl is getting Vienna sausages shoved up your ass.

Others say it’s the wurst part.

My wife came home with flowers, shoved them in my face and said "Look, peonies!"

I told her I didn't need to go, and even if I did I'd rather not.

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

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A man had to be rushed to the ER because he had a 4# dumbbell shoved up his arse….

When they got it out, he grabbed it, shoved it back up his ass and yelled TWO! (And this fam is why you always wipe down the equipment)

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I had an operation on my penis the other day, they shoved a tube down my shaft.

It was very eye opening.

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Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

Got the shaft

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
<...

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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

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I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

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It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

I shoved my daughter into a cardboard box.

I’m just being supportive, she told me she identified as mail.

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

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My boyfriend was always business as usual in the bedroom until he shoved my handbag up my ass.

Now it's purse anal.

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What do you call a telephone pole shoved deep into a rectum?

A shit post.

I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

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My girlfriend accidentally shoved a pair of glasses up my ass...

Now my hindsight is 20/20

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So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

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I shoved some glitter up my arse last night

To see what would happen!

Just found out, pretty shit..

Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

My cross-eyed bull

Did I ever tell you about the cross eyed bull I bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows, at least, that's what I thought.

but a friend comes out and says, “hold on pard’ let me have a look.
them eyes ain’t that bad. Call up a vet. His number's in the book.”

Well I didn't have...

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

A guy came up to me the other day, and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my 'money or my life'.

Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.

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What's long, hard, has "semen" in it, and nobody wants shoved down their throats?

Advertisements.

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

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A man visits a doctor because he shoved an entire lettuce up his butt...

The doctor tells him,

"Hmm, there's a strange rash around your butthole now..."

The man, shocked, replies,

"Oh my god, is it serious?"

The doctor says,

"Serious? That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

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A constipated blonde goes to the doctor, who prescribes her with suppositories.

A week later, the blonde comes back and tells the doctor that she's still constipated.

"Did you take the suppositories like I asked you to?"

"I did, but it didn't work."

"Oh my. This had never happened to one of my patients before. My suppositories have always worked! Why didn't...

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My girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a magician during sex

It was fun until she hid my balls and shoved her rabbit up my ass

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Three explorers lost in a jungle

Sadly they've been found by cannibals, who took them to the village prison. The next day, the village chief, tell them they have to do a challenge if they're willing to survive. First part of it is to collect 10 fruits in the wild and come back for the second part. The first explorer starts his hunt...

Billy got a parrot for his birthday

This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Billy tried very hard to change the bird's manners, but nothing worked. Billy was getting really frusturated. He yelled at it and shook it. The bird just got even angrier and yelled fowl language even more. Finally Billy ...

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A college student returns to his dormitory after visiting a prostitute.

"Hey," the student's roommate says, "how was your... uh, session?"

"I don't know why you recommended her!" the student replies. "She's *literally* crazy!"

"What happened?!" asks the roommate.

"First," the student replies, "she told me to lie on the floor. I did, and then she sto...

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

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at the end of our first date

She says make love to me like they do in the movies
So I shoved it up her ass then came on her face...................................., Turns out we watch different movies

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sailors

A policeman on night patrol near a naval dockyard hears a noise from down a dark alley, he shines his torch down the alley and sees two sailors, one is laid on the ground with his trousers around his ankles and the other has got two fingers shoved up his arse. The policeman says, " What's going on h...

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice. He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged.

The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was ad...

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