Shoulda Jokes - 31 Hilarious Shoulda Jokes

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scrawny man with a funny-looking yellow dog walks into a bar.

He sits right next to a great big guy with a great big dog and orders a beer. The big guy takes one look at the funny-looking dog and bursts out laughing! The scrawny guy doesn't say anything, so he says "that's the funniest-looking dog I've ever seen!"

"yep, sure is," the scrawny guy admitte...

What did Beyonce say to the boy who lost his balloon?

If you liked it then you shoulda put a string on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company.

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird."

Th...

There once was a man in prison

Who performed his own circumcision

With cigarettes he paid

And got his own blade

What he shoulda bought was better precision.

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You shoulda seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

A teacher on test day,

Knock knock

Class: Who's there?

Teacher: Boo

Class: Boo Who?

Teacher: No use crying now! You shoulda studied! (Holding up the test papers...)

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

Turns out cigarettes are harmful to children...

I probably shoulda used an ashtray anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey.

He says to the barman, "This dog can talk." The bartender replies, "What? Get outta here." The man with the dog then says, "It's true, I promise!" The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, "Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free...

I keep hearing this SARS-COVID 19-2 thing is really terrible...

...although we really shoulda predicted it, the sequel is always worse than the original

A guy has a talking dog.

He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the do...

A couple has a baby boy born without a body... (A Two-Parter)

***
Part 1
***
After years of trying to conceive, a couple finally manages to have a baby. However, the baby is born with only a head, with no body, arms, or legs. Despite the setback, the couple set out to raise their child as they would any other.

After ten years of challenging ch...

A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.

"No. You've had too much," wife responds.

"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.

"I'm tired of this. Help yourself. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.

Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, and grabs a bot...

A father, feeling sorry for his severely deformed son, decided to take him to the bar...

It was the son's 21st birthday, after all. His deformity was horrible, he was just a head. No arms, no torso, no legs.

At the bar, the father sat him on the table and ordered two beers. As the son finished his first beer ever in his life, a torso popped out. His father was overjoyed and s...

The Patriots

The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, "Self..."

"I shoulda made a sandwich first."

An elderly couple is traveling around the US in their retirement.

On one of their stops, the husband, Sam bought something he always wanted - a pair of cowboy boots. As they settled in for the night in their motel, Sam tried on the boots in the bathroom and came out to show his wife, Marge.

"Notice anything different about me, Marge?"

"Nope," said M...

Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..

The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."

The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all th...

What kind of bug do you find on a long car ride?

An I-shoulda-pede.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were 3 scientists and elephant and a monkey...

The scientists thought it would be scientifically valuable to put a cork up an elephants backside so it couldn't shit, feed it for three months then pull the cork out and measure the results.

They thought this would be dangerous so trained a monkey to pull the cork when a red light went.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two pathologists performing an autopsy

The first one said "You shoulda seen the old granny we got in last night, she was nearly 80 and had a cunt like a pickle"

The other one then said "Wow, did it really look like a pickle?"

"No, but it sure tasted like one"

The Talking Dog version two

A man walks into a bar with a mutt on a leash.

The bartender says "Hey, Mac. We don't allow dogs in here!"

The man says, "But wait, he's a special talking dog. Can we stay if I can prove it?"

The bartender thinks for a second and says, "Fine, prove he can talk and I'll let you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insatiable sexual appetite.

A man with an insatiable appetite for prostitutes is walking down the street with $10 left to his name. He passes a place with blacked out windows offering three X's of entertainment. Thinking "what the hell" he walks in and asks what he can get for a five. The clerk points him to a room and tells ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.