UPJOKE
lapsusgenustopazamothobtectomerafamilyimmidaetropicsgonnagottawannadatanywaysyeahlol

Imma Jokes

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

Imma eliminate all the filth in my house

Final dustination

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tonight, imma have sex with a girl who can't see

in other words : she's fucking blind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Italian men

So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious.
One says "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come a...

Girl, imma treat you like I treat my pinky toe

I'm going to bang you on all the furniture all night long

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one peanut say to the other peanut during sex?

Ugh, Imma legume!

Kanye West shows up at Neil Armstrong's memorial service...

and says "Imma let you finish, but Micheal Jackson had one of the best moon walks of ALL TIME"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens wit...

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

"Girl I know you're a push door..."

Because imma try to pull you and then look stupid

What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple?

'Nah imma stay.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jewish coming out

Yosef walks up to his mother.

"Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul."

After a long awkward silence she frowns.

"Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"

My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named...

Imma and Urra.

Two nuts chilling on a tree, one slipped and started to fall...

... The other one said “don’t worry bro, imma Cashew”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

The guardsman, the commissar, and the orks.

Preface: In case you are not familiar with the Warhammer universe, if enough orks believe something, reality will warp to make it so. And no... I am not the author of the joke... Do get over it please.



Once upon a time, there was a fierce battle raging in the jungle between the Imperi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Italians in Heaven

*side note: this joke is kinda long, there is some swearing, and the grammar mistakes are part of it because I'm imitating Italians speaking English.

Three Italian men are standing in front of St. Peter in Heaven. St. Peter says, "before I let you guys in, I would like to know how you got he...

what did will.i.am say when he got turned into a bee

imma bee imma bee

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

What do you call the security outside Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy



aight imma head out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 pregnant ladies in a coffee shop

So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies.

The brunette says to the other 2 that I heard if you have sex on top, your more likely to have a boy

The redhead say oh that must mean I’m likely to have a girl

There was a pause ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the meat.

Also.....


What's similar between dildo and sushi?

Both are meat substitutes.


K imma go, this has been too meaty.

I was all yogad out so I asked my buddy if he was ready to go

He said “Nah imma stay”

Mozart runs into a bar...

He’s scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.

The bartender asks, What’s wrong?!? What happened?!?

Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a “wolf gang” and now “imma dazed!”



(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sad and depressed last year, but i decided to turn that shit around.

This year imma be depressed and sad.

What do you get when you put a duck in a cement mixer ?

Quacks in the pavement !



(Sokay Imma know which door to go though)

Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one o f a kind, phychic cow.

He now has a rare medium well done !

Sokay, Imma let myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on,

They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is carrying something past an old man on his porch...

The old man sees him and says "Boy, what'cha got there?"

"Duck tape old man. Imma catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with no duck tape." says the old man.

The boy doesn't listen and walks on. 5 minutes later the boy comes back with 10 ducks all caught up in the tape a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.

Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could s...

Nicknames

Three woman who were good friends would meet at the laundromat once a week to talk while washing their clothes. All of the woman were dating men named john, so one week they decided to make up nicknames to call their men so that they could tell them apart.

One of the women says, "let's name o...

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Italian, Ukrainian and Newfie on a Lunch Break..

An Italian, a Ukrainian and a Newfie high-rise construction worker were all up on a huge building about to have lunch. They all took a seat and opened up their lunch boxes;

"Mama mia!" Said the Italian "Mya wife! She always give-a me meat-a-balls! If I get meat-a-balls in my lunch tomorrow, I...

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Boudreaux decides to take Thibodeaux hunting...

the night before the big hunt Boudreaux warns Thibodeaux "Say T! We gonna be up dark and early, yea. Don't you go an stay up late now." And of course, Thibodeaux does just that. He stays up until about 3 A.M. Well Boudreaux wakes him up at 4, ready to go. While they're walking around, Thibodeaux say...

A short poem

Imma tell you a short poem.

it goes something like this.

------------------------------------------------------

"I dig.

You dig.

He digs.

she digs.

We dig.

they dig."

------------------------------------

Now the poem is not real...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, “do you need a lift?” The hitchhiker says, “yes thank you” and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

Indian police.

[Please excuse my bad english, I'm still an amateur]

An american man with a briefcase full of illegal drugs was walking through an busy crowd somewhere in Mumbai.

"Sweet! Imma sell this for thousands of dollars"

As he made his way through the crowd, he heard someone screaming, h...

A monkey sits in a tree when a lizard asks..

..."what are you doing?". "I'm rolling a joint" answered the monkey. "Wanna join?"

The lizard joins but after a while the lizard says "I have a strange feeling in my throat.. Imma go down to the river for some water."

On way to the river the lizard feels he smoked a little too much. A...

*Knock Knock* "Homer, It's me Death. I have come for your soul...

...says it right here on my list. I'm working my way up & your next."
Homer: "Ok. Let me get you a beer first. You look tired."

Homer grabs a beer and puts some drugs in it. Gives it to Death and puts him to sleep. Homer takes the list and moves his name to the very top. Death wakes up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman gets perved on while her massive boyfriend is in the restroom

When her giant of a boyfriend returns she tells him that the weird looking guy at the bar had perved on her while he was away.
 

She says that the guy said he wanted to unbutton her blouse and jiggle her big ol’ titties. Her boyfriend stands up and says “right I’m having a word w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an italian man goes to malta

Onna day Imma going to Malta to bigga hotel
In the morning I go downa to eat breakfast,
I tell the waitress I want to pieces of toast,
She brings me only one piece,
I tell her I want to piece,
She sais: "go to the toilet",
I say: "you nounderstand",
I wanna piece on my plate,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two jokes involving the same pot-smoking monkey

**Pot-Smoking Monkey Joke #1:**

So, there's this monkey smoking a joint in a tree in the jungle with his little lizard buddy. The lizard says, "Ooh wee! This is some good shit! My mouth is dry is a hell. Imma run down to the pond and get a drink."

The lizard climbs down the tree, scurr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Super-Diagnostic Machine

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.