An EU diplomat, a Chinese diplomat, and a Nigerian diplomat meet at an annual international summit.

They become friends while talking, and the EU diplomat suggests they go spend the summer at his holiday home. So after the summit they fly to Nice, and drive in his car down a gleaming new highway to the EU diplomat's home on the French Riviera. It has six bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a swimming p...

What’s in common between a chair and a table?

They are both not hummus

A friend told me this joke and I almost died...

A mugger points a gun at a man

Mugger: Give me all your money!!
Man: Wait I’m a U.S Congress man!!!
Mugger: Oh, umm in that case give me my money

I use to know a classic rim shot joke, but...umm

tiss

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Therapist: And what do we say when life disappoints us?

Me: Called it!

Therapist: Umm... No.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

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Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence?

Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence...
Students:...

**Student A:** The Grass is DEFINITELY green!
**Teacher:** Well, not exactly. There’s blue grass, and when the grass gets burnt it turns brown. So, try again.


**Student B:** The Sky is DEFINITELY ...

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Exotic Peaches

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says, "EXOTIC PEACHES HERE!" Out of pure curiosity, the man pulls in to see what it's all about.

The owner says, "Welcome, Sir, what's your favorite fruit?"

The man replies, "Umm, well, I guess it would have to be an Orange."
"Ahh, you'...

A blonde was pulled over

When the cop came over to her window he said: license and registration please.
She said: what is a license?
Cop: it’s a card that has your picture on and says that you can drive.
Blonde: ohh that thing, and pulls it out and gives it to him, cop hands it back and then asks: and the registrat...

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A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.

"Where have you been?"

"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

" 'till 3 AM??"

"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

In comes the husband's boss:

"Hi, Umm.. yes, ...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

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A pimp is breaking in his new bitch.

Pimp: Listen. If you wanna be my woman, your gonna have to make me some money.

Hoe: But I've never done anything like this before.

Pimp: Don't worry. You go and put on your sexiest dress and stand under that lamppost. I'll be back here. Any problems. Just come back and tell me, and and...

Who is faster? Superman or the flash?

Umm. The cameraman?...

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in m...

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A guy finds a Genie in a bottle...

**A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"**

*The guy says "Ha, Make it four"*

**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"**

*The guy stumbles "O...

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village...

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"

The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."

The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.

Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and to...

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[NSFW] So I met this girl at a bar...

She was looking at me for a while so I went in and I made my move. I said, "Hi". She said, "Hi."

She said, "Umm... I think you're the father of one of my children."

I was taken aback. I didn't say a word. Then I slowly remembered...

"O wait a minute," I said. "I've always tak...

A guy walks into his wife's bedroom to see her cheating on him with his friend.

He immediately shouts " What's going on here?"

Wife replies "Umm....You got a friend in me?"

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

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A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

Dad: Do you know what sin city is?

Son: Yeah that is Las Vegas.

Dad: Do you know what den city is?

Son: umm no.

Dad: mass over volume.

A pirate walks into a bar.

Orders a double Rum.
Bartender takes a second look at him and says, "Umm.. Sorry but I couldn't help but notice that you have a ships steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants..."
”Aaaarrrr.... Ye'ar correct. It's beeen drivin' me nuts."

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"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"
"Well, let's have a look at i\-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over. "What is it?" "You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt." "Well, pull it out!" The doctor does. "Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."...

A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, “Just give him some Head & Shoulders.” She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, “Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?”

An old lady was stopped for speeding

Police officer: I'm sorry, but I think you were driving a bit too fast?

Old lady: What?! No, that can't be true!

Police officer: Can I see your drivers license?

Old lady: No, I don't have it anymore. I lost it 4 years ago when driving while drunk!

Police officer: Well.. C...

What is a drunk?

A father and son are standing outside talking one day when the son asks his father what a drunk was.

"Well son, do you see those four trees over there? Someone who was drunk would look over there and see eight trees."

"Umm... dad, " the son answers, "there's only two trees over there"

Three men die and go to heaven...

God is waiting for them and asks them to answer a question, as that will decide what kind of car they get to drive.

God asks the men, How long were you married?

Man 1: 20 years
God: Amazing, and how many times did you cheat on your wife?
Man 1: Umm... 5 times...
God : Okay,...

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Dad?

My daughter: Dad, what does “gays” mean?

Me: Well, just like a boy and a girl can love each other, two men can also love each other.

My daughter: So what does “penetrating gays” mean?

Me: Umm, read me the sentence.

My daughter: ‘She stared at him with a penetrating gaze.’

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

I was driving out of the hospital parking ramp...

And I stopped to pay the attendant, an older man.

While he was getting change he casually said “you hear about the actress that was stabbed earlier today?”

I’m like “No! That’s terrible! Who was it?!?”

“Reese... umm... uhhh....”

“Witherspoon?!?”

“NO WITH A KNIFE!!!...

Two sclerotic grannies are coming back from the cinema.

They encounter a grandson of one of them, who asks:
- "Hi grandma, what movie did you watch at the cinema?"
The old lady tries to remember the word she wants to say, but has trouble due to her bad memory, so she tries to guide the boy with the hints.
- "Umm... It's that thing that sticks fr...

Castration

A man comes into the Dr. office and says he needs to have a procedure done. The Dr. asks, what procedure, the man replies "Umm, castration, I need to be castrated or my girlfriend won't marry me!" Puzzled the Dr. asks, "Castrated, do you know what that means?" The man quickly replies, yes I know w...

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God creating spiders

God: give them 8 legs

Servant: umm a little weird but ok

God: and give them 8 eyes

Servant: You need to calm down a li-

God: GIVE IT A BUTT ROPE!

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What happens in Vegas...

A perpetual gambler had a rare turn of luck and hit a 500k jackpot. The casino, determined to get their money back, comped him one of their best luxury suites. Lonely, he was seeking some lady company for the evening. He called down to the concierge’s desk and requested the best looking call girl in...

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Guy is out for a walk and sees a rainbow

He decides to find the end of the rainbow to see if he can really find a pot of gold. So he follows the rainbow to the end, and is surprised to find, rather than a pot, a leprechaun standing there. The leprechaun says, "I'll give you a pot of gold, but there's one condition."

"What's that?" r...

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A guy takes the train home from work one day and meets a man studying logic.

“I’ve never heard of logic, what does that mean? The guy said.

“I’ll explain. Umm, Do you have an aquarium?” He asked.
“Yes I do.” He replied.
“So I assume you have fish in it too, correct?”
“Yeah that’s correct...” he replied.

“That’s logical. Now that means you probably lik...

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A man was swimming in a lake

The lake was in a secluded area, so he decided to swim naked. It was pretty nice and refreshing. But suddenly, as he was swimming around, he felt a hand grabbing his balls and a voice said:

-Two more or two less?

The man, scared of losing both of his balls, said:

-Umm... Two mor...

Crazy Neighbor!

Husband comes home early from work to surprise his wife and finds her naked in the bedroom breathing heavy.

He asks whats going on and she says, "Umm..I think I'm having a heart attack".

OMG - he runs downstairs to call 911 and his daughter yells to him "Daddy! There's a naked man in ...

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Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're gonna go blind

Umm... dad, I'm over here

You have to pay the full cost of a car upfront in Russia...

And even still you had to wait ten years for them to build the car.

A man wanted to buy a car for his family in communist Russia. But he had to pay the full cost upfront. He worked and he worked and eventually he finally earned all the money necessary.

He put all the money he had saved...

A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I hav...

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im...

A forty-seven year old woman see an ad for face cream that makes you instantly look ten years younger.

So she buys the cream, uses it and want to test it and see if people think she is her age or not. So she goes out and get food at McDonald's and says to the young cashier.

"Excuse me sir, how old do you think I am?"

Surprised by the abrupt question the young man smiles and thinks then...

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

A new nun goes to confession....

She is greeted by father John.

Father John: What would you like to confess today

Nun: I am so embarrassed, today I looked at a married man and I wanted to kiss him.

Father John: this is wrong but you are being honest and you understand you have sinned. Please offer 10 Hail Ma...

Dentist: "This is only gonna hurt a little bit ok?"

Kid patient: "Umm ok.."

Dentist: "I've been sleeping with your mom"

While on a walk two men pass a bar...

Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar.

"Let's stop and grab a drink"

"They don't allow pets - let's just keep going"

"Follow my lead"

The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow.

"Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here....

A Man and his Camel

There once was a very strange, lonely man living out in the woods alone. His family has been gone for many years, and has lived most of his life without anyone. He has had no physical contact with people in such a long time, other than going to town every could of months. But he wanted this to chang...

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Damn girl are you syria?

She: Umm No, why?

Me: Because you got a lot of fucking problems but i wanna get involved any way.

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I was with this girl...

So I was with this girl for a little while. The relationship seemed like it was going well. We went everywhere and did everything together. Then one day, out of nowhere, she decides the relationship “isn’t healthy” for her! She just casts me aside like I’m nothing. I was devastated.

I ran i...

A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn’t a good time.

**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?

**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

**Telemarketer:** Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

**Jerry:** Oh, I guess be...

A man walks into a bar with a suitcase..

..and orders a drink. Bored, he opens his suitcase and takes out a piano and sets it on the table. Then he reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man in a tuxedo. The tiny man immediately starts playing the piano.

The bartender is impressed. He says, " Wow! Thats amazing! Where ...

What does this joke mean from jimmy kimmel show?

Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys RUs gift cards. Said kids, “Umm… I guess the whiskey decanter?”

A guy goes to an interview for an entry level position..

HR Manager: "We've done a small background check on you. Your current boss tells us that you have no technical or business skills. You report late to office every day, spend 3 hrs on lunch/breaks, 2 hrs on checking mails and remaining time on useless meetings. Your colleagues also describe you as a ...

A man deals with a problem.

21/11/2015 Wollstonecraft 2.00am. Police received numerous calls in relation to a violent domestic, with reports of a woman screaming hysterically, a man yelling “I’m going to kill you, your dead! Die Die!!”, with the sounds of furniture being tossed around the unit. Numerous police cars responded t...

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Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?

Papa whale: From my penis.

Whale junior: Umm thanks?

Papa whale: You're whalecum

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A grandpa is enjoying some beer on his porch

A grandpa is enjoying some beer on his porch when his grandson walks up to him and asks "grandpa, can I try some beer?"

"Can your dick touch your asshole?" The grandpa replies

"Umm, no?."

"Then you're too young to try this beer"

Later that evening grandpa was enjoying a ...

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A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in t...

I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was.

"Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but fo...

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The 5 Nuns.

5 nuns all died in a plane crash and went to heaven. They appeared at the pearly gates, and was greeted by St. Peter.

"Alright ladies". said St. Peter.
"Before you can enter the gates of heaven, you must place whatever part of your body, that's ever touched a penis, in this bowl of holy...

A gynecologist goes to an all-girl university to give year check-ups

The first girl comes in and undresses. The doctor notices she has a rash on her stomach in the shape of an H, "well that's a weirdly shaped rash."

"Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud he goes to Harvard that he won't take off his letterman's sweater when we make love."

T...

Two rednecks run into each other on a rural country road...

One of them is carrying a big bag with the label "chickens".

The other notices the bag and says "if I guess how many chickens there is in the bag can I have one of them?"

The one holding the bag says "hell if you guess how many chickens im holding in this bag ill give you both of them...

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Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's ...

There's a Mexican trying to be approved for a green card.

There was an illegal Mexican living in Texas for many years and he had recently applied for a green card. He received a phone call one day from the immigration office.

Immigration officer: "Hello sir, we have reviewed your Green Card application and to complete it you need to come to my offic...

A guy calls home

'Hello!?'

'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'

'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'

'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'

'I would but she ju...

April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)

"How's my wife? How's my baby?"

"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."

(Man starts crying)

"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)

(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)
<...

I found a good dad joke

Dad: knock, knock.

Son: who's there?

Dad: Negligence.

Son: umm? Negligence who?

Dad: ...

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An American, a Brit, and a Japanese guy are stranded on a desert Island...

...the American says, "We're great at running the world, so I'll be President of the island." The Brit says, "We do whatever you blokes say, so I'll be Vice President." The American starts drawing out plans to build shelter and explaining them to the Brit. The Japanese guy asks, "Wait, what about me...

A blonde gets in an airplane...

It is a one way flight to New York city and she sits down in the first open seat she sees.
Moments later a man walks up to her and says, "umm, miss that's my seat."
The blonde replies by saying, "Im blonde. Im beautiful and im going to new york."
So the man goes to find a flight attendant ...

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