A cop saw a car weaving all ov

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She b...

I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.

I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

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A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few i...

A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do ...

A man was walking down the street around 3am, obviously drunk, missing a shoe and weaving to and fro, when a policeman spotted him and stopped his car along the curb nearby.

"Good evening sir, would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?" the policeman asked.

Haltingly, the man came over to the police car. "Gooodsh evening occifer, whass the trouble?"

"Well," the officer began, "it seems you're not quite in any condition to be walking along in ...

I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road this morning…

I really should find a safer place to finish this wicker basket…

Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine?

It's a family heirloom.

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 kph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approa...

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A Drunk Went To A Brothel (long)

A drunk, four sheets to the wind, went to a brothel for some sex. Approaching the colorful brothel and stumbling up the steps, he banged on the door demanding to be let in. The madam opened the door and sized up the drunkard, who stood there weaving and red eyed, alcohol wafting from his breath....

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An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road

He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.

Fkn ambulances i swear..

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.


The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.


The bartender tells them a j...

I got pulled over for trying to drive my loom to work today...

The cop said I was weaving all over the road.

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A young boy asks the girl of his dreams to prom.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Just the sight of her turned his stomach into a butterfly exhibit and caused his heart to melt through his chest. She was the sweetest, funniest, and nicest girl he had ever met. She was truly an angel. However, as is the case with most guys when try...

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

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Murphy is leaving the pub for the night.

He gets in the car, pulls out of the car park, and begins driving home on the highway. All of a sudden there's a tree right in the middle of the road, so he swerves out of the way.


"what in the fuck was that?" he says.


A minute later another tree pops up right in front of his f...

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoce...

[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

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3 recent college graduates are looking for a job.

They were in the receptionist's office waiting for their interviews. The first one gets called in.
HR manager: "We are a young growing company and we need people with good powers of observation. I want you to make an observation about anything you see in my office and you tell me all about it"...

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The Cab Driver’s Brother

A cab driver in Los Angeles was picking up a passenger from the airport.

Cab Driver: Where to?
Passenger: Universal Studios. Step on it.

The cab driver speeds past the other cars. He’s weaving through the traffic going well above the speed limit. The passenger is a little concerne...

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon an ancient village.

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon a legendary ancient village. The villagers, who to the man's surprise are still alive and well, lavish him with praise. They think he must be a god! But he must first be tested, just to be sure.

So the chief of the village takes him to a row of ...

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The pope is in Mexico visiting. He lowers the partition and kindly asks if he can drive.....

Driver: Excuse me your excellency?

Pope: I said, would you mind if I drive today?

Driver: B..bu...but, sir I will most certainly loose my job if I did that.

Pope: In all these years I have never driven. I used to enjoy driving so very much. I promise, you will not loose your...

Driving home earlier

I saw a young couple weaving all over the street. I told them 'Go get a loom'

What did Gandalf say to Elrond as he watched him make a basket?

There Hugo Weaving again.

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A friend of mine got stopped by the police the other day...

He was weaving the car a little oddly and they asked him to blow into the tube. He passed them a piece of paper which said "This man is asthmatic, please don't ask him to blow something" signed by doctor.

So the police said "Well, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a blood sample". He...

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Voo-Doo Dick

A man about to go on an extended business trip decided to buy his wife a couple of toys as a surprise. He came home the night before his flight out with a sex toy called Voo-Doo Dick.

"Voo-Doo Dick?" his wife asked. "What is that?"

"You'll see," he smirked. "Just have fun. It's special...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

A Cop Pulls Over a Guy in a Convertible Filled w/ Penguins...

So a motorcycle cop is weaving in and out of traffic and stumbles upon a guy driving a convertible with the top down. In the backseat, he sees 10 penguins. The cop signals for the driver to pull over, and when he approaches the car, he lays into the guy...

"What do you think you are doing? Th...

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A man gets into a taxi

and is surprised to see that his driver is wearing a Darth Vader costume. The man decides not to make a scene, and the driver, in a normal voice, asks "Where to?" The man gives the driver the address of his house, and Darth starts making his way there.

The quickest route involves going on the...

Textile Mill Heist

Earlier today police apprehended a criminal who had loaded an industrial-sized loom and 10 cubic meters of wool onto a truck in an attempted robbery of a local textile factory.

Police became suspicious of the truck when they noticed the driver weaving all over the road.

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